Saturday, March 19, 2016 ♥
How time flies. It's already March.
So Chinese New Year came and went, and so did Valentine's day. And a good friend's wedding.
A week after cny, I had tried to ask him out to meet... and it was an embarrassing event. I waited for so long, and there was no reply, until it was late and he said he couldn't make it. And that was after he cut 2 of my calls. I do not know why I allowed myself to be treated so; I have disgraced myself and women's dignity.
I spent valentine's day with my friend of 10yrs. I've been trying to bring our relationship up to another level, yet it's just not getting there yet. I have no strong physical attraction to him, unlike how I felt to the other guy.
I have been working hard, dealing with the increased workload and new things to do, with the new clinic... it felt like the times I was in nhc.. nowadays I don't even have time to think about the 'working relationships'.... most of the time I was just working. Perhaps it helped to distract me, altho I do wish to learn new stuffs etc.... I still lack the courage and clear direction to go ahead, and messing up my own emotions isn't good, yet I know running away is bad as well.
I was one of the bridesmaids at Huishan's wedding. And I was a embarrassment too. I went back to work halfday, and then made it a big deal showing my tired face, and then looking all sorrowful at a gd fren's wedding cos someone destroyed my swans (I made for the reception table), and I had to sit in front of one of the brothers (the most geeky and hard to converse one), away from my ex colleagues, and feeling sad tt everyone's happily attached etc.... yep. So I was wallowing in my own self pity at a good friend's wedding. What kind of friend am I?
And so one of the other brothers caught my eye, he also came to be a trial subject for treadmill echo to train me, after I failed in begging for people to help me... (yet another disgrace of myself... how real and sad it felt, that nobody, no one person, even your family would help u. I actually took the first step. And yesterday over a meal with some of the excolleagues, when I realised that one of the other brothers took tt step to contact another girl.... and right then and there... I felt it again. I felt shameless, and that I am heading into another episode of throwing my heated face as someone else's cold ass... why do some girls get pursued... why do the guys I like just don't like me? And then while I was at all these crap... I dun even know what to make out of my relationship with 200pound.
I watched 'how to be single' and the bring home message was kinda like 'find yourself, love yourself and love will find you'...
Sighs. Easy said. Why do other ppl get to 'find themselves' together? And I find myself in shit all the time alone.
I know I'm whining and complaining again.
Let this be my outlet for complaints and whining, for I've come to understand and learn that, they are not desirable behavior in the society and especially at work.
I don't want to go through another episode of unrequited love again. I'm not ready for another heart break.
I went for a mri for my lumbar yesterday. It's a mixture of many feeling. But the result was normal. Well, I guess it is good to know I'm normal, and don't have a slipped disc. But the sad thing is now, every one starts to think I imagined my physical pains and it's all psychological. Or it's yoga. Sighs.
All in all, I still really don't know what I want in life or what I want to do....
I'm just working hard.
♥reflected @ 1:50 PM
