Sunday, September 30, 2012 ♥
I'm not sure since when... but I suddenly had the notion of taking up pole dancing. What attracts me to it, is the strength and fitness required - and yep the results of toning and abs. hahaa. But what deters me.. is how pole dancing has always been protrayed, and also how the attire has to be.. sighs. So I'm playing with the idea in my brain for quite a while.. pondering about it. What I know for sure, is that I love yoga. I really love yoga.. I could do yoga every day.. haha. The thing is,I still have on my schedule - to continue practise my rollerblading and also keep running. So if I do take up pole dancing - that will be another thing to add, besides working - which I haven't yet been stable at,cos I really do need to study, and never really do. hahah -big sighs! Other than having to set aside money for it.. I have to train properly.. travel.. spend energy.. and also consider about the attire issue.. I have more than 2 weeks to ponder about it.
Will be missing 2 weeks of yoga sessions again! Next week cos I will be going to the mass yoga at ECP, the following week, he's got reservist. hmmpfh.
I enjoyed yesterday's yoga session. Very much. Haha. Really. Before the session, as I was walking towards the studio, asking myself what kind of attitude am I going to bring into the class, what kind of feelings am I going to bring along with? And, I actually came to the conclusion that I should just go in and don't think so much. LOL. haha. I decided that there's no need to really ask myself what kind of attitude I'm going to have - I will just have to go in, start doing, and follow however I feel. And - it was great. I found myself just relaxing, enjoying my class and having fun. haaha.
Yesterday, we practised smth called 'Kapalabhati Breath' - a cleansing breath; 'kapalabhati' refers to 'skull'. Basically, you take quick breaths out, focusing on the breathing out, using diaphragm and nose. At the end of a series, you hold onto your breath and feel. It was great, an awesome experience. It felt really great - my brain totally felt empty - I was simply left with a shell.. and I dun even think I want to breathe.. haha it felt like bliss. The feeling was so awesome, I felt like I could just drown in it or get addicted to it. Hahaa. But it was a challenge for me when my consciousness distracted me, - urging me to hold onto this good feeling. hahaa
There were moments I was kinda distracted-- haha.. yawning at times, then some kids next door were learning english pronunciation "action", "session", etc etc. LOL. and I was kana caught 'eavesdropping' also. hahaa.
So after all that fun, I really thought that I could just yoga the entire day. hahaa. It felt really great to have found smth that I truly like, and feel passionate for. Unlike how I always feel like I'm struggling with guitar.
This week.. work was quite okay, cos I only had one session of portable. hees. phew! Had less trouble with people too. hees. BUT really need to study lar. sighs.
On wednesday watched the fierce wife again, this time with my sis. And still enjoyed it. haha =)
Coming week's work schedule took a turn - i'm back to doing some of the older stuffs I used to do.. well.. I guess it's quite alright... give my wrist and shoulders, and eyes a bit of rest =) just that it might be just as, if not, more tiring, cos will have to keep myself on feet and keep working.
Met with some friends on friday for dinner. Heard about the proposal. haha. wow. really nice. I actually do feel happy for her, that she is going to enter another stage of life with her bf.. just that. wow. more people around me are getting married.. now no longer as stunned as before, but still a bit.. how to say? 感叹 that I feel that I'm not even that great at my job yet.. while pple are already moving on to another stage of life.
nevertheless. I am quite happy with my current lifestyle - work and yoga, + running and rollerblading. hahaha..
=)
♥reflected @ 3:02 PM
Sunday, September 23, 2012 ♥
YEAH!!! woots!
=) haha. i just signed up for the above event! Yep, although.. yes a bit sad that i'll have to miss two yoga sessions, if i go for the event.. BUT i'd rather not regret giving such an event a miss. hehees. so yep! looking forward to joining the mass yoga session. I mean, yepp.. it might be sians cos yoga.. is like every one just doing their own yoga. but then i'm really kinda interested in the idea of doing yoga with other yogis in the outdoors with symphonic music behind! woots. =) haaha
anyways. these days haven't been feeling very well.. physically. My postural blood pressure changes are quite strong.. v easy to get giddy spells.. but still ok..
learning to do portable now.. it's really tough, cos we have to get ourselves into all sorts of twisted postures in order to get the images we want.. sometimes i really try very hard.. in hope to get all the images required. sighs.. and really it's horrible cos after the session i will be like really in pain.. for two days i had nerve compressions even when i walked.. at my hip area.. together with back pain, arm, shoulder and wrist pains.. it's really tough. what makes things worse is the people you work with give u lotsa unnecessary stress and trouble.
after that one day, i actually came to the conclusion that after i serve my bond, i will really have to consider abt staying or quiting. i'm really glad tho, cos i got a message very clearly, and i will simply continue to do my job properly, my best and just focus on what i am supposed to and can do.. at least for every 'now' at work.
there was a time near the end of one study i was doing, i felt my right hand turn numb. my fingers went numb..and it was shaking as i typed my report. sighs. apparently i am not the only one i realised. not only that, i also felt my vision getting a bit affected as well. can you imagine? all the harm my work is doing to me? plus tt day i probably was blasted point-blank by x-ray.. sighs. all tt risks really tempt me to quit eh. haha. sighs. but i will be sticking ard.. haha cos.. how to say, i probably dunno what else i can do.. and i still kinda like my job..
anyways. yesterday i was doing yoga.. and kinda freaked out.. cos suddenly my left eye felt really painful.. and my fingers became numb.. so yep.. felt uncomfortable for a while.. then started to tear a bit.. cos i was kinda worried and freaked out. so i just rested myself for a while.. waited until it went away, then continue with my yoga. sighs. i think smth's not quite good with my blood circulation.. i guess. i'm not going to freak myself out letting my mind wonder to other things. it's probably just cos i exerted myself too much at one point of time i guess.
but somehow.. i had this sudden realisation... which was kinda.. weird.. cos i would think that it's quite good to be able to find this out myself..no doubt a bit slow. i realised that i had been doing yoga, very focused, thinking that i am in my own bubble. indeed i was.. in my own bubble, just concentrating on my yoga. Concentrating on my breath, my intention to move according to my breath and stretching... so much so.. that i forgot smth. I forgot to feel. I realised that when I tried to stop my brain from functioning, from wondering to think about other stuffs.. I forgot to open my senses- i only closed them up. as a result, i forgot to feel.. i only just breathed and stretched. just doing yoga with my motion and breath. so... it's time now. that i feel. so yesterday, after that incident, i realised that with slowing down of my breath and movements - i kinda.. can wake my senses up, in fact. To slowly say hi to my body and listen to what they are telling me.
i sorta realised this.. when the yoga teacher asked me since when i felt tt numbness.. and i was like hmm i dunno.. i was just focused on... then i realised.. what was i focusing on? he said, 'you were focusing.. but not focusing on your feelings?'
Yep. so some credit does go to him for helping me find that out, altho he probably didn't know.. or don't need to know.
So eventually i sorta had this msg...in my brain, as i continued with my yoga.. in the next session.. that I don't really need to be there anymore... cos at the moment.. I felt like I am like not going to follow the rhythm in the class... I am just going to follow my own and feel on my own.. which I probably can..at home or anywhere..
But then I also realised.. that..I can still continue the class... cos there's still much more to learn from the class.. I believe that there is still more that he can teach me in future lessons. Also, I hope that in future, I might be able to not only thrive in my little bubble..but also follow the bigger bubble of the class led by our instructor.. if there is the bubble there - i guess that is what a yoga class can be... but i guess.. that bubble's existence.. is a thing of question, in the first place. haha.. i guess probably in future, when I'm even better and more ready.. then i can probably move on to join other people's bubble.. then i'll see where i can move on to.
so going to the mass yoga session - i think first thing to rmbr - is not to bring any expectations along - which i guess i tend to do, at times.
i am kinda glad.. actually.. to be able to find out more things about myself.. taking little steps forward.. and 'inward'. Working with some really incredulous people, though they made me suffer for days, actually also kinda trained my patience and also open up my mind and see more than just the current situation - such that I can see where my stand is and what i should do or rather, can do and can feel.
i love this pict - cos it kinda depicts how i feel as i continue to grow.
so with all these thoughts...
i found out another thing as well.
these people.. that i come to know of, come to interact with, at this stage of life.. the role they play in my life.. the role i make them play in my life - is really up to me. my customers will have to stay as customers; my colleagues as colleagues; and my yoga teacher - my yoga teacher. i suddenly realise that i can start to draw away my connection with my yoga teacher. i suddenly realised that, yes although i can consider him a friend and mentor - the role he has chosen to play, and i for him to play - shall stop as simply a teacher whom i go to, to learn about yoga.. only on my days of yoga sessions. cos i have also come to learn that his bubble does not include me, that his social circle and pyramid is already set. as for my colleagues - yep. they will stay as people at my workplace- i shall not let them affect my feelings tt much, in my workplace, even more when i'm out of my workplace.
my feelings are mine. mine to keep and mine to let go of.
after my yoga.. i went to watch a movie on my own.
i thought i really needed smth to console myself, to cheer myself and to encourage myself. altho, i am really sorry to my sister for not waiting for her.. but i dun mind watching it again. it's not bad! like it =) haha.
A quote from the movie, which I like-
"幸福，需要冒险"
alrights.. i need to go and study! haven't been study conscientiously.. sighs.
要加油哦!!
♥reflected @ 5:26 PM
Monday, September 17, 2012 ♥
yoga class has been postponed for these two weeks. last week was because the yoga teacher had to go for reservist (LOL) and this week was cos the studio was occupied for some other activity. it was my good luck then.. hahaha cos i had to miss these two sessions. last week i had to attend the sing valve at Grand Copthorne hotel and this week was our DnD at Marina Bay Sands. awesome right? hahaa cos i would have hated to miss yoga lessons.. although.. i still can do at home..
i got to try out two yoga sessions at true fitness last week though. the first one was called dynamic yoga... it was meant for more advanced yogis.. so luckily i have some background to begin with.. it was tough poses.. but all in all, i didn't like it much. cos it was mainly transitions from downward dog to some tough pose then to downward dog then to some other chim pose and it was tiring on my arm.. esp with my weakened arm from previous injury and now work..so it was just a lot of stress on my arm. another reason i didn't like it was that everyone was more or less working on the poses themselves already (assuming that everyone is experienced).. there were a lot of people trying to do the poses. may i emphasize - "Trying". i felt like i was struggling to put my breath through and focus and tt i didn't like the feeling. so .. yep. not a great experience.. and when i finally got into it and started to sweat.. it was the end already... sighs. the second lesson was Slow yoga, or 'yin yoga', so to speak. indeed it was slow..and really kinda tough. we get twisted into a pose and had to stay in the pose for 5 minutes. so that really takes a lot of focus and quieting down.. which was really.. tough. haha.. so i'm really glad to find out that i really like my own yoga class. Hhahaa =P
anyways.. these two weeks have been kinda tough.. cos i felt like i was walking on ice all the time.. so afraid of stepping on some people's feet.. it was really kinda stressful.. i just wish.. for everything to be smooth and peaceful. the thing is, i don't fight for it, yet someone does it for me.. and it's for me, i'm grateful.. but.. it makes some other people unhappy.. SIGHS. big SIGHS. nevertheless, we can't possibly please everyone i guess. just hope that i will be able to live through all that calmly, and still smiling.
i think part of me still naively hopes for that 人性本善, which is really silly.. esp cos when i was much younger, my mum already taught me otherwise. i think.. i should stop hoping that.. not because i should start believing that 人性本恶, but more because i think i should just focus on myself.. and work myself properly.. cos there's no point i be concerned about other people's character. yup i hope i do rmbr this, cos i find myself easily steered to think about what others think quite easily, though less now.
today's supposed to be a study day.. but in the end, it has become another slacking day.. haha. oh wells.. dnd was afterall, last night.. so i just took time to sleep... (esp cos i had a horrible sleep last night; woke up with neck pains and headache).. and upload photos, look at photos.. haha sighs. i couldn't really believe that i have graduated and it's been more than one year since my last DnD (Life Sciences' DnD 2011) - i thought that was this year somemore! lol.. yep. time really flies. anyways.. i didn't wear a dress.. although my first intention was to wear a long dress which i bought.. but my mum and sis both thought that it was too casual.. i wore a brown jumper.. i'm really glad i made that choice and bought that pair of shoes, cos they're really comfortable. although even up till now when it's over, my mum didn't favour my outfit. sighs.. but i still liked my outfit.. haha
after the event, some of the doctors invited to some drinks.. and we just shared gossip.. unfortunately, the take home message i got was.. that.. we are just technicians, and they probably want to get to know some of us because we are after all, 'useful' at times. i wanted to try and keep the good impressions of some of them.. but it is really unfortunate that, i probably will have this message etched in my brain....... haha.. sighs.. this is after all, the working world.
anyways~! i miss yoga! and my yoga teacher! LOL. haha i miss the after session chats.. and the advise that i can reflect and think about.. but i do know that i have to work on them myself, at times. i should really try to set aside some time to sit down quietly..
but i really do have to study more too!!! time is like so little! like omgosh, soon i will be having my exams i think! that thought is really horrifying.. =S i think most importantly cos i want very much to know more of what these things that i'm taking are.. and making correct decisions is so important..
tmr.. a new week starts! ganbatte!! hope things get better!!
♥reflected @ 2:34 AM
Sunday, September 02, 2012 ♥
=)
good to start the day by blogging.. and then can leave the rest of the day to studying (hopefully hahaha)
anyways this week was quite eventful..sorta?
kana scolded by a colleague whom i thought could be a fren or at least a closer colleague, and when my senior heard about it superficially, almost immediately concluded that it must have been my own fault.. which probably is.. sighs. cos my self restraint and control isn't that power yet.. so there are times when the dominant, loud, demanding and persistent me will pop out.. questioning, doubting and talking in a stern and irritating voice.. as a result.. i offended quite a number of people this week.. no doubt, i had my reasons as well.. and i guess some perhaps can empathize with me.. but i feel that more will be against me instead..so yup.. it is indeed my own fault if more people dislike me..
sighs.
there were many times i felt that being human is so tough.. 做人很难.. the times i feel apprehensive before talking.. or after speaking.. worried that i have said smth wrong.. or offended pple.. or feel tired and apologetic to have said smth.. and try hard to set things right again kinda... it makes me really want to retreat back to my own little bubble and just live my own life, stay out of the things around me.. just observe and let others busy among themselves...and havoc..
and actually i sorta have already started to do more of that - of silencing myself and enjoying myself in my solitude and resting sphere - my own orbital and bubble.. there were times i was kinda worried..haha cos as a result i seem to have become even more introvert and antisocial kinda.. and tt doesn't seem too healthy..
i talked to my mentor about it.. i sorta regard my yoga teacher as my 'mentor' and shifu now.. haha.. lol.. yep so i asked for his opinions.. and i'm glad that he feels that the behaviour is actually 'approvable' -maybe tt's not the right word.. hmm.. it's not that there's a right or wrong.. or i'm seeking someone's approval or agreement.. it's just that sometimes i need someone to tell me - yep you're on the right path.. don't worry just head on; you're doing good. and so, it was good to know that i'm alright.. and it's kinda good. so i can continue to see it in positive light and continue to enjoy myself in my own world and listen to my own vibe and feel the things around me more..
and i'm glad also that i seem to have 'improve' slightly.. cos now i can retract back.. or realize my mistakes.. instead of just blindly say things and then affect other people while still thinking that it should be tt way.. (which sometimes, may be.. cos i still strive for perfection in certain things..) i am able to see that some things are already perfect on their own.. i feel that i have become more observant and less proactive..
it's also okay i guess. just have faith.. if there are to be more true frens.. for me to know.. i'll find them along my path.. or they'll find me.. even in my little bubble.. (haha so my mum can stop worrying that her daughter is not going out to make frens or find a bf.. haha - i guess, she probably dun care tt much.. actually.. sighs)
so i will stop. not saying i'll totally avoid people or not answering pple; tt'll be too extreme. i'll stop making conscious effort or try hard to talk to people or make frens with others..
'like a pyramid', he says, your frens, your social circle, the people around me will ascend the pyramid and sorta narrow down to the true ones - the quality ones - the ones to keep close to your heart.
i'm glad to have learn a lot.. through yoga and my readings.. but there's much more too learn. many times.. through my practise.. i feel imbalances.. i feel some things wrong.. i feel weirdness.. but i can't pinpoint exactly what.. it will take years - so i was told.. patience and time and intention.. i'll just have to continue on this path and be ready to accept and learn what is given to me along the way.. one thing i quite feel, is that these physical imbalances actually might just reflect my own personality and life as well.. so.. i'll wait and see..
work this week.. other than the two incidents.. was sorta.. okay.. just kinda tiring.. cos i was a bit sick.. and the weather was kinda weird.. sometimes hot.. and sometimes as if i was in a freezer..
there was one incident.. that i did echo on a patient.. until i cried.. cos.. i felt really sick and awful.. cos of my blocked breathing.. i felt my qi stuck and probably me emotions stuck as well.. so at the moment the only way tt seemed to be able to rescue me was to let out and cry.. and i didn't really intend or want to do that, cos many eyes are looking, for all you know.. but i just teared..
the case was quite tough..and took me a lot of effort and time.. i tried and kept trying.. not becos my face wasn't thick enough to go seek help.. more like i didn't feel like giving up and just ask for help--cos help is sometimes kinda hard to get.. so in a way.. yep probably my face is indeed not thick enough? haha.. so i tried very hard.. till my body ached and my qi got stuck everywhere..
sighs.
i hope i meet less people like this and have better luck most of the time. which sorta worries me.. cos my boss has put us in a session of portable with our shifus... so i have this feeling that they might just push us forward to do portable already... and portable can be really very frightening.. i think .. =( sighs..
but what has to come.. has to come.. anyways.
anyways.. again, i'm told that in future, work will be even more tough.. sighs. hopefully i can become better and more efficient so that i'll be able to take things in my stride. which means i do need to study more so that i am more aware of what i am doing and am in more knowledge of what the data i'm collecting are and what they mean.
Ganbatte!!
Namaste~
♥reflected @ 2:11 PM
