reflections

Friday, August 24, 2007 ♥

wah lao.

this is sorta like. hmm. stressful.

this week is quite another stressful week. damn sian-edning.

tutorials are coming nxt wk. OmG.

okay. at first i wanted to start by talking about the crap confusion i got myself in just bcos of smth called the d&d. but i changed my mind, i'll shall do the usual kind of narrating again.. so that it sorta sounds more systematic.

on monday, woke up damn late almost 1 hr later than what i was supposed to, rushed to eat breakfast changed and took a cab with sis to schl, got caught in the damn traffic, and ended up in schl still late, almost the same time i could have gotten if we had taken the bus instead. waste money.

on tuesday, went to schl to swim.

on wednesday, had IT lecture which was omg again. and so was bio lect which was worse.

on thursday, we had the crazy cycle again. and all the lectures were damn omg. damn stressful. hardly understand anything.

uni sucks. cos i dun understand anything. and nobody explains, nobody cares if you understand or not. which is shit.

today was damn bad. i think the worse day of the week. we had practical. supposedly 2-6, but ended at 7. know why? cos it was damn shit.
we were expected to read our pract notes b4 we came, which i did, TWICE, but couldn't understand a crap bit. and then we had to do like so many things, smears, stains, listen to TA talking chim and un-understandable stuffs that i find it almost impossible to absorb, and the worst thing, to observe and try to record. i hate this especially becos you totally have no f-ing idea wat to expect, you dunno if u r observing correctly etc. i hate microscopes. i hate microbiology. i hate science. dun ask me why i entered science.
and the GUYS. wah lao. i thought i have seen the worse of men already. apparently the whoever wants us to keep knowing BAD humans. damn ungentlemanly. damn selfish.
wah lao. i hate reports.
it's kinda crappy. esp when me and my sis are like living in the same house, sharing the comp? like how to not compare notes and stuff and end up writing the same thing? but we aren't supposed to do that cos we will end up failing if we do. RARH.
and then there is damn extra guy. wah lao. pls understand ur responsibilities lah. stop trying to chat up the girls la. and pls. you're one of the blind ones too la pls. HEN XIA leh!

so we ended abt 7, the last 2 students to walk out of the lab. and decided we need to find food. msged seniors asked them if want to eat, but they couldn't. so we decided tt we shall megabites. but wth. there were lots of ppl there and they even booked the megabites and disallowed us food.

so eventually me and sis had to go canteen to hope for a stall which hasn't closed yet (cos we didn't want to have to stop anywhere) and luckily there was, and we even had quite a filling dinner.

first time. after so long. i blog so much abt wat has been happening. minus the v personal stuffs still it's a lot.

wat else ya.

some emotional confusion.

cos of this thing called d&d and some family matters. all sums abt maturity.

wat i always conclude to others is that everything is a growing up process and it's puberty.(which sometimes sound so quite crap, but in fact it's quite true)

how mature am i? how mature have i been when i try to understand my family and try to fit in and try to calm things down/give advice/break things up/trying to sound wise.
how mature am i? certainly i am not mature (i realised this fr my sis) cos i thought of going to d&d. with my family's condition like this. i am most certainly childish to think of playing and going out.
how mature am i? certainly i am not cos i can spend so long confusing and irritating myself up with the d&d. and not yet come to a conclusion.

maybe i shld change the qn to how childish am i instead huh. but i thought i was mature enough. giving that i have been working so much and sometimes to the extent that i almost do nothing except work.
but i guess. i am immature. esp in handling issues. and i have made mistakes.
why. am i so then. i thought.. but. apparently.

then one day (i think was yesterday) i was thinking abt msn. how fake and realy it seems. 'virtual reality'. cos i was thinking of a person. and telling my sis abt it. and tt wasn't the first time i thought of it.
thow explained tt because it's virtual, ppl are able to let down their guard and crap practically alot and talk easily. cos of the nonexistence ties, it's easy to just lose it.

like what happened to me. how strange it is. to have thought that having to get to know . was the best thing in 2006 and abt 3 months later everything can just change. probably it didn't change at all, cos all was a fake and there were no ties no base no foundation to talk about etc etc. not to mention feelings. probably it did change becos it was all true, just that real reality that happens in real life took more precedence or smth.

anyway. i think i'm going to like end here now.
type too much le. first time after so long. probably abt a yr? more than tt even.

but anyway uni really sux.
it's damn stressful.

i miss my korean shows. hah. by the way.
changed the music on my blog again. and if u're listening, dun try to understand the words, you won't. dun just follow the melody either. listen. listen to the orchestra, the violin esp, the drums. and esp. the electric guitar.

damn nice.

somebody commented tt the font's really small. maybe i shall change my template one day. maybe. maybe one day i get super tired of the current one tt i have been using for so long alr. let's just see.

oh and by the way. uni totally sux.

♥reflected @ 11:14 PM

Tuesday, August 14, 2007 ♥

actually.

i had wanted to post a new post.
then i thought, aiya just edit the old one.
then i thought, aiya might as well.

anyway. yesterday was first day of schl and already i'm very stressed. just the beginning and i'm feeling damn stressed.

absolutely worried. about balloting. about lecture notes. about money.

yup. money. feel damn stressed up.

if only 5 months ago. if only 5 months ago. my dad hasn't gotten stroke.
if only 6 months ago. if only 6 months ago. i had successfully pushed my dad to seeing a doctor.
if only 2 months ago. if only then. after my dad had the stroke. he didn't have any extra depression and stuffs. if only he had been so motivated and perserved and exercised and recovered.

if only 19 years ago, i wasn't borned to this world.
if only 25+ years ago, my parents hadn't married each other.
if they hadn't known each other, if my mum hadn't tolerated all those stuffs.

IFFFFF

this is damn sianed-ing. cos i actually i started typing this post like 7pm. but i had to stop halfway for my bro and my sis to use the comp, and i went discovering more of my notes bla bla bla

i am so damn stressed up.

wah lao. i can't stand myself le.

it makes me even more stressed to talk to pple who are not stressed at all, and they can't emphathise with how you feel.

tsk.

ok. i think i'm just going to end here, with a nice song, w.r.t the previous post.

♥reflected @ 8:06 PM

Thursday, August 09, 2007 ♥

today's national day.

finally. i'm free at home one day. BUT. the moment i start sitting down and try to do my own stuff, people start yapping at me and telling me to do this and do that.

i feel damn shit now. argh.

ok. yeah. thanks. wat am i supposed to do? change? oh wow. if changing was so easy i won't still be the same rite. so i am crap. i am a crap person with a crap character. nobody will like me. i'm bad girl with bad mouth and bad personality. thanks. i appreciate it. and yea i know i need improvements and changes but. how do you change yourself. these kinda things are like in-born and subconscious? and they grew stronger cos the so little times at home are like so 'comforting and nice' such that i am 'supposed to understand mankind and fit into the 'reality' which does not actually have any 'real' substance by being one of this 'fake reality'? i can't smile when i'm sad, but i am sorry if i always bring my unhappiness unto others when i am sad/angry/unhappy/not happy/not feeling well/tired/not sporting/not supportive/not passionate/wat some call 'pms-ing', (maybe not too sorry cos eventually these 'unhappiness' that i bring to others come back to me in the end, cos pple will just decide that this girl is damn 'attitude/emo/pms-ive/irritating' and dislike/hate/ignore/ me, and me will end up damn sad/alone kinda, but no one will feel any bit of sorry for me cos they would think 'wat you bring unto others bring unto you' or smth like tt. understanding and caring, thinking of the reason of the person's sadness/unhappiness/watever --these DON'T happen. THESE, i repeat, DON'T happen in reality. Normally/usually/in fact/commonly people would just accept the things on the surface and love to do stereotyping and labelling of people. and this refers to all people. whether said or unsaid, it happens and a response is made following this 'impression'. kind alike the body's nervous system huh.

rarh. i hate always sounding so angsty on my blog. not that it matters.

anyway. back to 'life'.

i'm very sunburnt on my chest and shoulders, from yesterday's sentosa trip. our og was gd yesterday. we tied 2 games and won 4 other games. a large improvement from last week's not so active mood (which again, may be my fault). but anyway yesterday was actually me and my sis's last day at the sow cos we have work to do. but it doesn't make a diff cos it's not like tt was the graduation outing or smth. nxt monday is officially the first day of schl. haiz.

preallocation of modules and bidding, and balloting. all these kinda sucks.

HAIZ. damn sian.

when are things going to be better? or rather when are things going to seem better?

i should start learning from now eh, to be more silent and quiet. but then this contradicts the point that you need to...
rarh. forget it.
ok. so instead i should just keep reminding myself that i really should and have to think carefully before i open my mouth eh. hopefully i will be able to do that and that me the bad girl will improve and the world will like me more.

i should be less sarcastic too huh. haiz.

ok. tt's all now. here's some picts of my og.

this from the first day of the camp, with the entire full force.

this from the fic. again, i'm wearing the turtleneck.heez. we had to wear formal casual for the event so yup. i like turtlenecks..but only have this one.

k. yup. BYE.

♥reflected @ 1:21 PM

Friday, August 03, 2007 ♥

ok.

i am damn tired.

but then i have to help a fren answer her questions first.

as to why am i tired.

been to a camp, just came back today cos tmr(or rather, today) have other commitments, (which is a bit sad now, cos we're only starting to heat up, but then a lot of ppl r alr leaving bsides us)

camp. hasn't been good. not very good. had quite a bit of prob trying to see how some ppl view certain priorities very different. had a bit of digestive probs like quite some others but i wasn't even sure of myself and caused be unease the entire day and thus unhappiness. but i think i have quite nice ogls. i like the guy ogls more tho.

i am so damn tired. my eyes are closing. the first day i didn't get any sleep cos the entire lt was damn noisy with so many ppl snoring. the 2nd day didn't get enough sleep cos it was too damn cold.

ok. NOW. i'm damn tired. bye.

♥reflected @ 11:57 PM