Sunday, November 25, 2012 ♥
another day of revelations...
something to be happy about i guess.
just that.. sometimes.. it can be kinda depressing, cos you just keep finding that you're still hopping at the spot and still dunno this and that... i need to choose to think the other way - that i AM growing up. and i should be happy and proud that i am discovering new things, accept that it IS a never ending journey of trying (like how my sis told me), never ending journey of learning. i will only become complacent if i think that what i know is enough, but the actual fact that i need to keep reminding myself is that - there's a lot more.
YET. as i need to acknowledge the fact, i have to tell myself - there is actually nothing to worry about. cos there is nothing. tomorrow has yet to come so it is nothing. why worry or fear? yesterday has passed so it is no more. why dwell in it?
Be brave, open and daring. It's no longer about giving other people chances - it's giving myself the chance. Life is short! Why worry so much? Why think so much? Wait till it comes then worry!
Yep. I have wasted a lot of energy doing all these unnecessary thinking. Wasted a lot of energy trying to fit to everyone, thinking that i am trying to accomodate everyone.
It is ME time.
I have been buried for too long.
It is time to believe in myself and trust that i am capable.
The first emotions i felt was fear, shock and alarm. what am i going to do? what to do?
come to think of it.
it was the same emotions i felt 4 months ago, when I truly discovered, know and accepted my perfectionist character as part of me. haha. oh wells.. kinda different revelation this time. this time i realised another character of me - hahaha. LOL. come to think of it too, the personality test i did during my interview- really is quite accurate. yes. and so i found out that i am always trying to accomodate everybody and suit everyone.. and sorta lost my character and me, when in fact that is part of me.. haha
so.. now..it's time for a better, stronger version of me!
HAHA. which was what my yoga teacher told me before too.
My turn now - to take charge of my life, my thoughts and how it will be. Just try! just experience, just go! Funny these words I have heard before too - from my sis, and from gabriel (who is back!! haha)
Then the question is - now that i know, what do i do? haha. Yep I asked myself this and was a bit hmm..lost.. oh ya.. now what huh? haha. Actually the answer is simple. Just don't say no! Things that I think difficult, think again and may be I can try! Things that I contemplated and didn't want to try, just think again, probably I can! =)
so...i am looking forward to my first class tmr! yeahhh!
and i hope to plan some kinda of holiday for sis and i =)
♥reflected @ 6:26 PM
Tuesday, November 20, 2012 ♥
=)
i think.. i had quite an awesome birthday celebration this year.
haha. yep. it was pretty tiring actually. and a lot of money spent too. it was held at Onsight Climbing Gym on 11/11/2012. My sister was the main organiser of the event, i just did a lot of other work.. like settling the food, buying all the gifts for our friends and wrapping them. i will always rmbr how i stayed up until 4am to wrap all those presents LOL. and then buying the cakes.. a lot of prep work.
Somehow glad that my sis still insisted on having it. Glad that my friends who came for the party were all sporty and enthusiastic. love those who replied without any bit of hesistation that they will come, when we sent out the invite, even before we stated the venue and time. will always rmbr them - what it really means by 感动.
yep. so even though it was really tiring, and a bit annoying cos the staff didn't do certain things properly.. like didn't clear out the fridge when they said they will, and squeeze our stuff in and as a result sorta destroyed our cakes... =( but... it was still great. haha. even though we didn't get to climb ourselves.. the guests were the awesomest group of pple.. =) haha
for the actual birthday.. we went out for lunch at the new mall at bouna vista, called Star Vista. I think the concept is pretty awesome, cos it's open air.. and that's really cool. cos it's really open air! no air con (only certain stores have in-store air con) - but i really like it.. just wonder if it'll be as cool on those terrifying hot summer days. our birthday was a cold, rainy day. we had lunch at paradise tea place, and ice cream at pinnochio. really ate a lot. hahah
and that makes almost a whole week of break from work =) i just slack slack slack.... haha
which is actually not what i planned to do initially, cos i really had to study. pple at my work place already emailed us a notification to inform us that our exams will be coming up. =X chams la.. haven't been studying la...
a break from work was really great. at first i was kinda worried when i went back to work yesterday, that i would be very blur and need time to get back to the work rhythm.. turns out.. i am a true workaholic. HAHA. yep. cos it wasn't too difficult i realise.
The sunday before the previous week, i tried to make carrot cake. not the chinese one, but the english cake. and.. failed. sighs. all because of my carelessness. it was the moment that reminded me why i had such a difficult time during my fyp. it was that moment i realised what made me and why i tend to make mistakes. i overlook small details. always aim to finish quickly yet hoping everything to be good. haha.
well i made pesto pasta on sunday and it was great, i think! of course, it probably won't be so without my mum's help. haha. but sorta glad that i went thr all odds to find the basil leaves.. finally found it at jcube's cold storage.
i think it's time to awaken myself.
i think i probably have been 'lazy' during yoga. and i'm sorta glad i found that out. what i mean is that, during yoga, there were times i convince myself that i'm tired and as a result is less, if not, not aware of myself during yoga - meaning I can lose myself during yoga - forget my presence and feelings, just totally empty shell and empty brain, empty concsiousness. This is the time where i should pull my consciousness back in and learn to observe carefully and with more alert. If not, yoga will become just an avenue for me to spend time and stone on my saturdays. and it probably won't benefit me more than it could.
sad that rollerblading (intermediate) has been cancelled, cos lack of pple. sighs. but i'm looking forward to my first pole lesson on monday =) i hope i'll find love for it and continue on until i'm pro at it. yeahs.
yesterday, i had this realisation. that work is taking too much of me, and i'm not going to continue like this anymore. being so drained out every single day, i have no energy to take care of myself properly at all. so much so, i'm sick every where.. problem areas every where. sighs. and i had to see various doctors and spend so much money to get all of them treated.
so yup. i need to totally change my lifestyle and live properly. and treat myself nicely.
and get ready..
to find my dream.
and then work towards it. =)
♥reflected @ 12:43 PM
Wednesday, November 07, 2012 ♥
Choice.
Is my dilemma.
Lack of confidence.
Is my problem.
Faith.
Should be my solution.
Yet.
Doubt.
Is my distraction.
All in all, yes it's kinda true.. i live in a vicious cycle, called - me.
How funny it seems.. that i am constantly living in my own confusion. It is how my life seems to be.. I am in search of myself, and realise.. sometimes, myself is what i choose to be.. yet what i choose to be, seems to be dependent on what i want to be.. yet what i want to be.. depends on what i'd like to be.. and i guess that's where the unsurety comes in.. do i feel happy the way i am?
at least, a small improvement made... at least.. it is less of how i want others to view me, or how others affect me..
that's why a strong sense of faith is important to keep one going the direction he or she is heading. that's why sometimes religious pple tend to have a clear vision and mission or sense of life kinda.. i think?
the reason why i thought of this is, today my bubble got poked a bit. saw pple from my workplace leaving together.. probably going out together.. pple clique-ing together, eat and chat together...
I'm not an outgoing person to begin with (do I want to be outgoing?), i guess i'm kinda used to not being one outgoing person...and lately.. i have gotten quite used to, and comfortable in my little bubble.
of course, one cannot always just live in their own little bubble, cos living in society and in the world, you sorta need to participate in the working of the world, and need to venture out and talk to pple. unfortunately, i'm not tactful with words nor am i easy with words.. as a result, before i can catch myself, i tend to say the wrong things in the wrong manner... in the end, pple sorta misunderstand me, and i tend to decide to draw back to my little bubble so that i can prevent myself from saying wrong things again.
i guess, i have a lot to learn.
the art of living, the art of working, and the art of speaking in different situations.
i guess, i am still new to the working world.. still new to the adulthood, when i haven't really gotten to live my teenage hood or youth well..
that's why, i've been trying to find stuffs i want to try out and do, and dun let time pass away like that, yet i haven't really been very proactive either.
i keep saying that i want to work hard, study hard and do my part better, yet i always end up.. resting, or rather slacking. haha.
i think that's also probably part of the reason why, i have this kinda 'generation gap' or sorts.. with everyone. i think probably in others' eyes, it's probably like i've built a wall around me and i'm kinda living within in a fortress kinda... but in fact, i'm just trying hard to do my own stuffs well.
i was pretty upset last week.. esp last friday, when all the confusion, coupled with people at work.. i sorta felt very frustrated. mostly cos i lack confidence in me and my decisions.
hopefully one day, i'll be okay, and kinda find my path.. and then my life would be larger than just yoga and work. hopefully more things of the world, no longer just 'i'. and then, even the tone and content of my blog may change a little.
i think for now... i can only try and see how.
ganbatte!
♥reflected @ 12:26 AM
