Saturday, May 27, 2006 ♥
june holidays are here..
but lots and lots of work to do. gp reading package, 2 compres, the whole of 10000 words, 6 essay outlines.three maths prelims papers. two chem prelims, nucleic acids, periodicity. bio prelims, bio essay, bio sup summary, e-learning for asexual reproduction, bio tutorial for growth and development. 4 econs case study, all outlines for macroeconomics topics, econs tys.
then i still have 2 consultations for gp, consultation for econs. then i'm going to the guitar camp.
sian-ed. wat a holiday.
yesterday recieved a msg telling us that we have to go back to the nl to get our bio prelim papers and notes ourselves, and becos it would be locked the window is opened for us to climb in.
goodness.
anyway.
my dad bought a new computer, and it's a lot different from our old one. actually i won't mind if we don't have a new comp, i rather that the money is saved for better purposes, which are more important and necessary. well, even tho we have been using the old comp since..eh..very long la. before i was in sec1.
yesterday watched jewel in the palace and in the end there was a prelude, like a clip showing wat will happen during the next episode. again. ren xin bu zhu she tun xiang. and all those evil acts arouse out of a simple word: jealousy.
jealous of those better than you, becos you dun think that they have the zhi ge to be of higher rank or simply be better than you. everyone has jealousy. no matter wat. it's just how jealous you are. like in jewel in the palace, the main evils aren't really bad from the core, they have just been so jealous till it rules their heads and start to do those bu ke ling yu stuffs.
i admit i have been jealous before, but not as extreme as them. i didn't understand how some pple can be this and that, and then start to think bad about them, like think that they are irresponsible and stuff. it actually is because of different viewpoints and personalities, and i can tell that in the environment i am in, pple around me take things so much easier than me, they are not as serious as i am, and that everything is simple to them and can even be a laughing matter.
anyway, i don't want to go into that.
yesterday the new guitar coach came to take a look at us and hear us play. so that we and he can decide whether we want each other as coach and learners.
well. i don't like him. the moment he did smth to annoy me.
i was quite impressed actually, at first when he first stepped in. but he did this one single thing, that made me think that this guy is no hope. no. actually he also said another thing that makes my blood boil even more.
there's nothing wrong with him actually. i'm just against the way he did tt thing.
good government, good ensemble.
i dun think it applies to guitar, and it will never also. cos it started this way, going to be like this, as long as the same cycle takes place.
yes, the pple are capable. so wat if they are. so wat if you can teach single-handedly everyone the skills. and now you complain it's because there aren't enough ppl who are good enough, no one is as good as you to do the same.
i jus want to say that a good guitar player does not necessary equate to a potential good leader. it only shows ability to play the guitar, not even ability to teach. if everyone can teach well, then nie won't exist, will it?
watever it is. since everyone else has no objections to him, it means i'm the only one with a problem, i'm the only one with a different view. which means that i have to change my viewpoints. actually my sis explained to me-that all ccas are like that. i guess so. which means that i have to live with it.
yep. it will be a growing process for me eh. i hope.
♥reflected @ 1:31 PM
Saturday, May 20, 2006 ♥
hmm.
well. i was feeling a bit blue today.
anyway. it's a feeling. that sorta comes in. since yesterday night. jus feel sad and want to cry. but drained out kinda of thing. i guess that happens when ur mind starts wondering..
well. today i watched huo yuan jia. my bro rented the vcd. it was great. the movie's good. touching. but well. it's quite rushed in some parts. overall the story is brought out, and the final moral of the story is clearly pronounced.
yesterday's jewel in the palace made me felt like crying. like when u face the reality again. how many xiao li chang dao hypocrites there are in the world. how many backstabbing and stuff. reality. haiz.
today was njc's funfair, really thought of going but my sis woke up late cos yesterday she stayed out very late to do cip at ntu while jj haveing talent-time there. and she told me i still could have gone ahead myself.
maybe.
reminds me of the acs idol finals. i wanted to go see. but couldn't find someone to go with me cos my sis again has shooting competition that day. but then she told me that i could always go myself. then in the end i heard my class a few ppl going so i decided to go.
my sis dun understand.
i fear. i fear of having the feeling of dread and sadness. where i go somewhere myself and there are lotsa ppl with their own gang of frens and me alone.
i fear of facing that alone again.
even though, i have faced that quite a few times already. even though i told myself it's okay, and hide behind the calm and ok face, i feel upset at myself. i would.
but life's like that. i have learnt that. come to understand that. after a good talk with my mum. some will have more frens than others some will have less. and i have to learn to be stronger. and more independent. it's not easy for me to open my heart easily and thus make frens, cos this is me. i can try to change, but it's hard. i have to learn to live with that. cos tt's how life is.
and i gotta concentrate at wat i have at hand now. tt is my studies. even tho the doctor said that life is not just about studying when i went to see her cos of the flu.life for me now have to be just studies.
i think.
tho, i'm not very capable of applying that knowledge, even after setting my priorities.
enough talk abt tt.
by the way. dunno wat happen to ac this year. the ppl aren't doing very well in sports. they have aready lost netball, hockey, netball girls and rugby. haiz. but i think they did great, cos sports not just about winning, it's the whole team spirit kinda of thing, and i really look up to their strong and tight team spirit and brotherhood kinda of thing, which i feel, is lacking in guitar ensemble. but wat can i say, cos it's only my point of view. some others might think that no, guitar's doing great. but well. i feel that every monday i go for guitar, i dun feel as happy as i did last year. or maybe i never did. as lihao says i'm never happy. well. i've been happy. just that u ppl didn't get to see me happy. sabbie says it's monday blues. but watever.
anyway guitar's camp coming up during the june holidays. i can't stay overnight, but i dun want to go come back go come back tt kind of thing, so troublesome and waste of time. so i'll probably go like 1/2 or one day to see how it goes first. like if i'm happy to be there kinda etc. also cos like it doesn't matter if i'm there or not. dun really think it would make a diff.
like jc said, it doesn't make any point for me to be there. ie. if i quit, it won't make a diff to guit.
but i won't quit. cos i've got no where else to go. and all the while, i have given up a lot to be in guitar already.
i will stay even if it doesn't mean anything. furthermore it's just 1 or 2 months more.
ok.
it's getting late.
have a gd nite everybody.
♥reflected @ 11:01 PM
Thursday, May 11, 2006 ♥
on wed. sajc vs. acjc. rugby semi-finals. at thomson rd, at police academy. i couldn't go down and support.
the whole day i feeling so agitated and gloomy and worried. i sorta knew tt smth bad will happen. but i didn't want to go ask abt the result. cos i wanted to study for bio test. cos i sorta knew that it is tt tt would happen. cos i didn't want to believe it.
anyway.
we lost. or rather, acjc rugby team lost.
the moment esther confirmed my 'belief'. i was. i dunno. not happy. i guess. it was a mixture of dread, sadness and i dunno. totally confused. well. all i can say is tt i'm sorry for hawyi. i guess it was really impt to him. but.
life's like tt. and i guess he's strong and capable to take this blow. somemore he has lotsa frens ard him.
well. nothing much else to say. jus that i thought i lost my pencil, went to buy a new one and found it today. waste my money. hahaa.
and that.
i really want to tell ppl that. jus because u have ur problems all solved, or u have no problems, and that u are happy, does not mean that everyone else is happy. if u r happy does not mean tt ppl cannot be sad. if u can't stand pple being sad. then it's ur own prob. if u have a really happy family it doesn't mean that everyone else has.
think abt the orphans. think abt the ppl in poor places like africa where they dun even have their three meals ensured. and dun give me bullshit tt since there are ppl worse off than u, u shld be happy that u have all they don't.
cos U'll never understand ME wholely and absolutely, when u are not me. and when i dun even really understand myself. and you dunno wat probs i have cos u dun care to noe and i can't tell you. so get off my back.
-----------------
thank you to tilin who chatted with me today..
here by me says:
i noe. it's like i noe all abt wat i shld do and wat not. and wat's impt etc
here by me says:
my mind and heart and wateva jus dun apply wat i noe
tilin says:
tt often happens 2 gal i guess
tilin says:
we tink n worry 2 much
tilin says:
juz let go sometimes
tilin says:
u dun haf 2 'force' urslf 2 tink so much abt wad u wan in life
here by me says:
i dun wan much in life
i jus want a happy family, and tt i can do well in studies and in future a stable income
tilin says:
oh tt's gd
u've it all planned out
tilin says:
so y are u worrying now
tilin says:
juz study 1st
then do e rest ltr
here by me says:
things won't happen the way u want them to be
tilin says:
ya true
bt juz plan 2day
tilin says:
worry tmr
-haiz-
LIFE'S REALLY JUST LIKE THAT.
♥reflected @ 10:25 PM
Saturday, May 06, 2006 ♥
in Sec4..
last year..
the beginning of this year..
looks like me and my sis haven't changed much..since the few years..hahaa..well..i'm not going to put our baby picts here..hahaa.
hmm..sianz..dunno wat to say. well..there'll be no guitar concert this year..quite a waste cos i practised very hard for the songs..and now..haiz. wateva it is. i wasn't there anyway, didn't take part in the voting process for the final no or yes concert thing. i didn't want to be there actually. well well.
anyway. just to end off. i love reading. hahaa. tt's random. but i just finished a book yesterday. by marian keyes, watermelon. her bks are amazing. it's almost like talking to me. hmm.i like sushi for beginners the best. :) and ya. had napfa yesterday. did all 5 stations and 2.4...well wasn't quite very gd. but it was gd enough for me already. okie. off to lunch.
♥reflected @ 12:08 PM
