Sunday, July 31, 2005 ♥
suddenly, i'm at a loss of dunno wat to say.
stupid tagboard. something wrong with it.
okay...
yesterday went to ctss carnival. spent so much money on food that's all. after that went to the library.
i actually have so much homework to do..
on friday, i started off the day feeling calm and happy, nothing can piss me off.until afternoon, after maths. i started feeling gloomy and sianz..
and nearly just break down during gp becos of someone saying something,and i got gloomier during bio.
school ended. i felt better. then, i discovered i got no money to take bus home. and i called my mum, then i dropped my phone on the ground. and all the ornaments stuff hanging on my phone broke. nothing was left. i just broke my heart(ornament) not long ago, bought stars to replace it, then it ended up like this.. i was like sad sad sad sad. school tt day was like bad bad bad bad. haiz. i was whining to everyone i saw, to thomas, haw yi, tania and joanne. haiz. but i am still upset abt it now..
my dad came to drive me,went to clementi to buy my favorite ban mian, went home watch tv, brought food to jj to my sis. saw her painting there so i offered to help. there were two other girls, eugenia and leann. leann shocked me by introducing herself as wei kong's sis. how small the world is. they were painting some banner for someone since five.
haiz.sianz.
hate pw. hate gp. hate schl. hate everything. sianz.
lalalala....i have to go do work............
♥reflected @ 4:00 PM
Sunday, July 24, 2005 ♥
yesterday i went back to nan hua to get a copy of the book our sec 4 class published. i reached school at 10.40+..and was very dismayed to see noone there. i called siyuan to find out that he and the rest had already left. grr. well but at least i saw two pple there. and i was glad to see them.
SU PHEI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yah. she's back from england.
it wasn't a shock to me...dunno...i was just glad she's back. but yesterday when i saw her..i hadn't much a lot of feelings..it's like she's never gone to england, she has always been in singapore..and i just smiled when i saw her. she's changed. she has new specs and long rebonded hair...when i talk to her, i feel like, she's there, she's not there..like an unfamiliar, yet familiar feeling. the same feeling when i talked to her in the past. i dun noe her well, but i noe her kind of thing..hahaa..but no chance to go out with her together with aipheng and all..yet. dun think we will also..dunno.
and also paul. he's still as short and small sized.
was on my way to the library to return books and thought i lost a book nearly went back to nanhua again to find it. luckily i called home and found out that i actually forgot to bring it..diaong.
i saw mc in the library and i was quite 'omi' when i saw her..
♥reflected @ 6:36 PM
Saturday, July 23, 2005 ♥
Guitar's Concert's over...finally.
It was quite great. I was really happy to see my mum and sis there...It was so much better than during the rehearsals on thursday..
The mcs were cao lame..
I think they are going to lao ba sha to perform today, i dun think i will go.
Yesterday when it ended, i should have been very happy. Instead it turned out lousy. I couldn't find my(my brother's) guitar. everyone displayed their guitars on the stage so that i can look for mine, but yet it wasn't there. there was an extra one, so the coach insisted that it should be mine then, but i was quite sure it wasn't..i was sad and angry, also becos everyone else was happy and had so many friends who came to support them. throughout the whole concert i didn't think..i just ran about, when it was time for me to go on stage i appear...until the end, i was so drained out..i just bursted again..
HaIz...i think pple will find me a nuisance.for crying so much, for getting so agitated and worried for what they deem as a very small matter.
i noe that my dad will sure reprimand me like hell if i 'lost' my guitar. they found out that someone mistook my guitar, they expected that since next week we will still be in school, then just swap next week.yet my dad insist that we go down to tiong bahru to find that person immediately. well, that maybe natural, since the guitar's not mine. he said it himself. if i lost my guitar he wouldn't even care, but now i am 'losing' my brother's guitar...grr can't be bothered anymore.
Here's a list of the pple i want to thank..
First and for most: Sabrina Wee--she's my best friends in guitar, i thank her for caring for me so much, staying so calm when i was practically blowing everyone off, consoling me when i cried or when i feel down...thanks a lot a lot..
Secondly, my sis and mum for supporting me.sis: yeah, you always think you are the calm, composed, mature thinker and speaker, but sometimes, you shld watch what and how much you say. but nevertheless, i want to thank you for coming and support me. thanks to my mum who was ill and still came..love ya lots.
thirdly, my dad for waiting for almost 4 and 1/2 hrs to drive us home..
fourthly, the guitar members for caring for me when i was so upset over the guitar, sorry i made a nuisance of myself.Thank you xiu jun, joanne, jc,xi yang, kiankee, yonghong(uncle),adam,jade,xiu jun's friend( sorry i dunno ur name--the one who help us a lot and arranged us to our rows to get us ready for our turn),etc etc every single peson who helped me and cared for me...and you pple did a real great job for the concert. especially the juniors. we did it! you pple were wonderful, great learners, considerate, and...yup so much goodness..haha! we juniors rock!(we showed 'em..heehee)The seniors did a marvellous job too.
Thank you Yen nee, for coming to support us and caring for me and for the flower. you were always there..haha
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE ELSE I DIDN'T MENTION..THERE'S TOO MANY I WANT TO THANK...THANK YOU TO PPLE WHO CAME, THANK YOU PPLE WHO HELPED OUT FOR THE CONCERT..
♥reflected @ 2:01 PM
Friday, July 15, 2005 ♥
Thank you...miss you pple so much..
Yesterday i cried so much during guitar until i was so tired i actually wanted to pon school today. in the end i didn't. but it was finally the time i bursted out. every single thing. every single thing that has piled up within me..
everything. about class. about guitar. about acjc. about my regret of staying. about my disappointment in guitar. about my disappointment in the school. about missing nanhua.
the first thing, which is the thing that always catalysed my crying, is guitar, and my disappointment in it. in the first three months, i felt a belonging to guitar. i felt guitar as a whole ensemble. we went thr. the syf together, and had loads of fun. but now, i feel that all i my hopes for guitar are falling apart. i no longer can speak out and want my way out of things in guitar. and the way the splitted guitar ensemble into seniors and juniors has upsetted me a lot. seniors are not the j2s, they are the people who can play the instrument well. they are the pple who can read the score and play immediately they look at it. juniors are mainly the 2nd intakers of guitar. and i'm in the juniors. the pple who can't play and self-teach. i feel that my first three months are wasted. that i fell back to nothingness.
i had hoped tt guitar ensemble will be a source of my happiness, and friendship. i had thought i would be able to be proud and tell pple tt i am from acjc guitar ensemble. i dun need pple to tell me that they understand how i feel. i dun need pple to tell me abt how other ccas like choir and drama are worse, tt cca politics are very natural & it lives no matter wat. I dun need pple to tell me abt how other schools are more terrible. i jus need pple to sit with me and tell me tt: i care. i'm here.tt's enough.
that guitar stuff led to my thinking of my staying in the school after three months. i hadn't do really well enough during the prelims, causing me to land in acjc, and i had thought tt i can switch to nj after the 3 months. in the end, i joined guitar, i thought tt the school is as bad as i thought, that guitar could be a worthy reason for me to stay. and my perception of the pple was wrong.
my dad had wanted me to go to nj. my mum told me, tt i can choose to stay, but dun regret.
i always thought that my decision to stay wasn't wrong, and tt the people here are quite good. until, wat wen yan told me after the rugby match, until wat happened last week. i'm afraid that i will regret staying, scared tt guitar isn't tt worth to stay for.
everything led to my discovery of how i have changed and become so slack, and how i can't stand me.
that led to nanhua. how i can't fit in well here cos i'm a very good nanhuarian. how some other pple can fit in. which also drifts off to stuff about my class. i find it hard to confide to my current classmates and schoolmates. it's not a thing about trust. it's abt me. it's me who is finding hard to put everything down in words and speak to pple.tt's why everybody asked me why i was crying last thurs, and yet i simply shook my head and continued crying non-stop.
i finally understand truely why i'm crying. it's because of my stubborness, and incapability of facing and accepting reality and truth, and instead, keep running away from everything. i can't accept that i'm staying in this sku, that everything isn't going the way i want it to be. i can't accept the ways how i changed. i can't face it when pple ignore me. i can't face it when pple cannot understand me and wat i say. tt's why when i try talk to pple in sku, i'll open my mouth, start to say something, but stop halfway and not continue.i seldom do things on impulse and i think so much before saying and doing anything.i think of wat the other party will say and do if i do or say something, then i don't feel like doing or saying anything i actually wanted.so complicated and confusing.
guitar concert is next fri, my whole class, not a single person bought a ticket from me. so depressing.
for the guitar concert, it's called Colours of Life and i actually hoped that the girls can wear white tops and diff colored skirts, cos it's nice. in the end, we are wearing black pants and coloured long sleeved shirts, joanne's idea. the concert is in lt4, and sabrina and i want to decorate it so tt it'll be nicer, but i think they dun want...wat's more depressing is tt there's this song called elbimbo, i really can't play well, i can't switch chords fast enough and cannot keep up, yet they insist that we play it and if we really can't play then, then we jus dun go on stage.tt's crap. waste our time.we as in the juniors and me. there's another 2 songs that are easier, and i already can play them already. and yet the other juniors dun want to play them. i dun understand.
on the program. they put there 'seniors'. they already lefted us out, the moment they splitted us up into seniors and juniors. tt's was wat i told xiujun. my first three months? gosh..i keep telling myself..i dunno wat i m doing in acjc. i dunno wat i m doing in guitar. i dunno why i feel like i'm wasting my own time..
-----------------
i should look ahead.
i shall work hard.
i shall put my concentration on my studies.
blabber blabber blabber...
i crapped out everything!!!!!!!!
YEAH!!!!!
♥reflected @ 8:51 PM
Tuesday, July 12, 2005 ♥
i feel like crap.
pple love to treat me like shit.
.
and i act like a piece of shit.
i'm childish and immature. i noe that. i ve been telling myself that i should think before i do anything, i should think before saying anything...
guitar concert is next friday.
yet. we are no where. not playing as an ensemble yet. not every song is learned. not every one is clear. what we are doing? i myself am getting slacker, i myself am becoming more and more xin hui yi len.
okay i noe it. pple hate me. cos i complain a lot. i noe it. i can blab and blab non-stop about how the day is bad for me, what i did wrong. if not, i might not blab anything, keep myself shut and dun say anything. either pple hate me cos i talk and complain too much or cos i show tt i'm not happy, but dun explain..
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shut up. i'm going to tell myself. i'm not going to allow myself say wrong things again. i shall also not show any emotion to anyone, so that no one needs to ask, i do not need to answer. plus, pple seldom care anymore. i'm used to being ignored.
-------
♥reflected @ 8:41 PM
Friday, July 08, 2005 ♥
today wasn't a good day either.
i ve a headache and is still hot on my temper...still quite angry thr.out the day.
i think maybe i need lots of sleep..i'm too tired and get agitated easily.
i just came back home not long ago, about 9.30 p.m.after schl i was angry again, and ended up grumbling and yelling into my sister's ears thr. the phone. in the end, i went to jj and waited for her all the way until 6.30, totally one hour larhz, and was damn pissed by michelle. she went back with her boyfren to jj, and as i walked into the school, i was questioned by the guard, then while i was explaining to the guard the two pple, just walked off away. in front of me. leaving me there to manage the guard and explain for them, and they just left like tt.
okay, truthfully, i shld have known. since sec2, i already didn't consider her a fren anymore. i knew her thr eldds.
when my sis finally came from shooting( she was choosing her pistol and they were announcing the new comittee members..she's the new treasurer) i was so tired and suffering from my headache, neckache and eyes are closing and in pain...we finally went to jp to have dinner..and walked around. and saw michelle with her boyfren and pissed me off. grr.
saw wen hui and tungni oso..
haiz..i must learn to keep myself calm at all times..
i need sleep. lots of sleep...
tomorrow got guitar from 8am to 6pm, i think i will go at 10 and leave at 5+ of smth, i dun wan to waste my time there...haiz.
i failed my gp and chem.
just barely passed my bio, econs and maths. maths is the most terrible one. my maths teacher came to me to give me my paper and said:' i can suffer heart attack marking your paper.' i looked thr. my paper. and nearly fainted myself. i turned the pages. 'good' 'very good' 'good' 'very good' all over.( i think the tcher must have thought...this girl good can get an a)..until..question 10, 11, 12, 13. empty. totally empty. yar. if i'm the tcher i oso dunno whether to cry or not...terrible. i ve no sense of time management. either tt, or i lack practise. maybe it's both...
haiz.
♥reflected @ 10:13 PM
Thursday, July 07, 2005 ♥
They dug my heart out, threw it onto the ground, and stomped on it.
My eyes are swollen and tired.
After nearly an entire day of crying.
I cried on Tues and i did yesterday too.
Today it escalated so high i couldn't stand it anymore.
i just bursted. like a long-awaited volcanic eruption. and my tears flowed like a a waterfall non-stop.
i wasn't actually going to erupt in school. i didn't intend to.
__________________________________
yesterday i had so much anger in me, which piled on today.
wat my sis says: why am i caring so much about 'respect'. y do i expect pple to respect me, when i myself do noe actually, that i won't receive the respect i wished for? it doesn't exists, and i take it too seriously. why do i help pple, when i noe that when i need help, it won't be as easy to get it?
yesterday i lent hawyi, a guy in my class my maths tutorials 11,12,13. Then clarice and jia yi asked me if they can borrow them from him, during their free periods. I agreed. Another person asked if i can lend my book reviews. Today another person looks thr my file and i photocopied my stuff to give the person.
Guitar has made me feel sad everytime since syf ended, since the outing ended. since the preparation for concert started. since the time i suddenly feel that our guitar ensemble is no longer an ensemble anymore. since the time they divided us into senior and junior according whether we can play the instrument or not, not according to our service and loyalty to guitar. ever since i felt my sense of belonging to guitar faltered. ever since i felt that i'm no longer close to the guitar pple anymore. and i no longer find myself laughing during the practises and having fun.
today. during gp lesson. i saw andrew coping furiously. i looked carefully and i saw that he was actually coping my tutorial. i was shocked. utterly shocked. i asked him: is tt mine? n he said yes and continued copying.
that was the catalyst.
right after the bell rang, i just went over to hawyi, and started screaming and yelling at him. asking him why he lent other pple my tutorials without asking me and showing me any respect. and then i walked out with my gp tcher stunned and shocked. i went walking down the stairs with esther, yelling and shouting non-stop.
i didn't even now my tutorials are like circulated around the class?
it was pe period.
i sat down there and started crying. crying non-stop. crying my whole life out of me. crying like i've never cried before. non-stop. totally non-stop. i just couldn't stand everything.
and everything just came to me. like a tsunami. everything about class, about guitar, about school, about family, about my exams, about everything.
everyone came asked me if i'm okay..and tried to get me to talk..but i just continued crying. for a whole period. a whole 40 mins. i just kept on crying. i thought i ve cried enough.
haw yi was so shocked, dunno wat the hell he has done wrong and wanted to talk the problem out. he said he was just being nice to other pple who can't do their work and don't understand why i react tt way.oh. so be nice to them and treat me like a piece of shit? i noe, they expect me to laugh and smile when i see andrew copying my stuff, but no, i didn't. andrew came and apologized but i scared him off- they said i looked very angry. seriously, i thought i have cried enough. let out enough stress in me, let out enough steam.
i thought i'm okay already. after school, i went with joanne, weiqi and thomas to the cafe in school to eat my dinner. and i was still laughing with them. then i went for guitar with them. in the beginning i was still okay. i proceeded to teach the new j1s the songs. until a girl did something wrong. and said something wrong. that made me angry again. i was so angry, i walked out of the lt, sat myself in the oldham wing and tried to come down. after a while i went back, listened to words that angered me even more, and left, with the posters for the concert and black paper to canteen and started cutting and pasting. i spent the whole guitar practice time pasting. at about 7.45 plus i went back. just in time to hear who is our new commitee members. everything happened as i expected.
in the end, i went home without saying bye to anyone. i sat in my dad's car, and started crying again. i just cried.
and now i am so tired. i do not feel like caring about anything anymore...i just want to shut myself.
♥reflected @ 9:37 PM
Monday, July 04, 2005 ♥
i was thinking..how stupid and amazing it is. i have been in the same class with suphei since my very very first day of school in nan hua. together with her, we first entered 1/4 then both got switched into 1/3. from then on, every morning during ensembly, she has been standing in front of me ever since. all the while until the last day of school in nan hua. from 1/3 to 2/3 to 3/3 and 4/3.
only when we were in 3/3 then we became friends. wierd. we should have known each other for very long, yet only became good friends two years ago.
wierd.
i have been thinking and keep thinking of my life. in ac. my choice to stay in ac. my choice of not going another jc.
and hopelessly feeling some regret for staying.
i have always thought that i could stay in ac because of guitar ensemble, but since after syf, after our guitar outing, i always thought that the idea would not falter, but it did. and it could be because i wasn't hardworking enough.
i keep thinking that i should have followed what my father had told me to. go to njc and jjc. i should have followed what my classmates kept telling me: that acjc is not my place, that i don't belong there...that njc is where i should be, that i would be better off there.
yup yup.
and pple have told me. that i shouldn't look back anymore. because i can't do anything more. everything is fixed and i can't change anything. that the most i can do is try to accept my life here in ac. and make it good for myself. stop thinking negatively and think on the bright side. that acjc cannot be that bad for me.
it's not the school. the school's good.
it's me. i think.
argh...crap crap crap.
i ve also thinking that my sis should have come to ac with me. at least i'm quite sure that we will be in the same class, i will be her friend and she be mine. we would be even doing pw together...
hahaha.yup.
tomorrow's back to school. and back to the hectic life..even more hectic because i'll have to stay back almost everyday for guitar practice.
sianz.
maybe i should stop thinking. about anything. just concentrate on my studies. yes. that's the important thing. u have to decide how your own life goes in the end..i guess...
♥reflected @ 8:18 PM
Friday, July 01, 2005 ♥
The term exams finally ended today.
I despise myself. i despise how i have changed.
and i wish i can revert back to the way i was in the first three months in ac, the way i lived my life, the person in nanhua secondary school.
I changed much. i feel the change. i can't stop it, i want to but, i ve no determination strong enough.
I was more hardworking than i am now. and i noe it. i want me to change for the better not the worse. i slack almost every single day now. during the term exams i nearly slack every time. i had a whole free day on tuesday, and yet i didn't make use of it. every night, i sleep at 1plus. becos i only start studying at nine. i dun understand y i just can't concentrate. i noe i should be studying. i noe i should be working hard. i noe. i noe wat i should do, and i should not be the way i am now. i noe it and i really want to change it. but i can't.
i have to have my own determination. i have to. cos noone's going to push me. no one's going to tell me that you are going to do this or going to do that. no one can command my brain wat to do except me.
So. i must step back into my conciousness. i must fix the system properly and not live my life like i am dreaming. i must be the commander. for i am the only sailor on top this ship on a long voyage to anywhere i decide to. ultimately, every thing will result because of my own decisions.
i have been dreaming my days off, totally letting other people beside to move forward so far ahead of me, while i have been following them so slowy, dragging me along.
..........
i just crapped. crapped every crap i have been thinking for quite some while.
TERMS OVER...
a new beginning for me shall come.
♥reflected @ 8:04 PM
