Monday, March 24, 2014 ♥
Fell really sick last week.. Woke up with stomachache, didn't think much of it.. but I had a lot of backache as well.. then a lot of nausea.. struggled to continue working.. and pulled myself out of office after work to wait for a taxi. The queue for taxi was v long.. and as it was change of shift, many taxis refused to pick up customers.. Finally before my turn.. I suddenly vomited. Yep, all my insides just suddenly came out.. it was really horrible.. at that moment, I felt slightly better actually, but I was pretty shaken.. luckily, the taxi came just right then.. Went home and vomited again... What followed was days of diarrhea, and bloating and pain.. Didn't go to work for 3 days...
Yep it was really horrible.
And it was also the deciding factors that pushed me to set up my mind to quit my current job. I can't quit it right away though, I really need to find a new job first. Sighs.
We've moved to the new centre, and together with it, there's increase in workload..
And a lot of physical pain.
I like the job that I do, I'm proud of it. Unfortunately, there's just too much pain. And i'm not the only one with the pain.
Hope a good job offer comes.. and hope there are better things ahead? I don't know.. sighs.
Had a long dinner with two friends from yoga class - my yoga teacher and a girl who came to know me during the class and started to keep in contact with me more and went out with me for movies and such. She's much younger, 7 years younger, and she's full of life, cheerful and adventurous. We had a very expensive dinner (expected it to be ex, but not that ex.. :X) at sakae sushi after class. We ended up chatting about my life decisions, her life perceptions and my yoga teacher's route to becoming a yoga teacher, and some random stuffs about politics etc.
Told them about my decision regarding my job, both are as supportive as some of my colleagues, and my mum and sister.
My yoga teacher asked me about my intentions for my job search. He asked me why choose the same kinda job if it's the job scope that is causing me pain? I told him I actually liked my job scope, just that it's too heavy a workload here.. He asked me if I ever thought of becoming a yoga teacher.. I told him that I have. Just that my mum is not supportive of the idea.. sighs.. so..
I'm not so sure of what the future lies ahead for me..
I just know now that I need to give less of my 100% at work and take care of myself more..
I can only hope for the best.
Ganbatte...
I hope to find that guiding light.. that will help me and bring me onto the path to more happiness..
♥reflected @ 12:18 AM
Sunday, March 02, 2014 ♥
27 Jan 2014 was the last day of my bond.. which means I'm free to go if I really want to now..
At first I was just mildly happy that 'Oh yeah.. I've finished my bond'... and was instead, more worried, anxious, vexed and frustrated over what my future would be. With my constant back, shoulder and head aches, and my mum's worry and nagging.. It felt like I really had to start thinking of a way out.
Perhaps I am getting a little too comfortable with my position at my workplace.. (not like I have any high position nor high pay..) It's just that it took much time for me to get recognised for the work I do and my capability. I do know though, that what I know is actually not a a lot.. and there are still far many things that I can learn.
At the moment.. my final decision, after much thought.. was to wait until the big move is over.. in the mean time.. there's still stuffs I want to learn.. and besides, I am still hoping to see if I could try the hammock yoga.. which I intend to register in probably March.. so I don't want myself to have all my time thinking about my work just yet.
Besides that I have actually only few options to choose from. So.. I've tried to simply them into only two: 1. Register for ARDMS exam and start studying hard for it 2. Learn ppm. Even so, these are just my thoughts. Cos at the end of the day, I think my boss still has the final say. So... hmms. I came to the conclusion that either I really fight and get myself in trouble and probably get what I want.. or I just wait for things to happen...
Eventually, I guess I just want to do my job.. and do well at it.
Let's just see how things go first...
_____________________________
I left this post hanging.. and forgot about it..
This few weeks have been quite stressful and tiring for me cos of the coming big move.. And this week, I reached my breaking point.
All the physical pain, mental torture.. pushed me to the edge. And at the edge... I tripped.. and fell.
I was in internal turmoil.. fighting to keep conscious, fighting to keep right in mind..Breaking down at work.. being upset, angry and helpless... together with all the physical pain.. I finally gave in and was down with 2 days of MC.
The first day when I was at home.. I felt the effects still.. I was anxious and worried.. I get easily stressed and upset.. I felt breathless and had difficulty with focusing.. I was giddy and confused. At that moment - I knew it. That I was not careful, and fell into the dark hole again. So I did what I only knew of doing, went to the temple to pray, and later treat my physical pain. So I went home with a horrible-looking back, and a bag of medications. One hour of acupuncture and cupping.. my back looked not only horrible, it looked horrifying.
On Friday.. I rested more.. sleep and cared for my back.. thought over things...
At those moments, I told myself that I need to quit. I need to find a new job. It has tortured me too much, it is not worth it at all.
But as I sit here, though I am mindful of those feelings I had, the knowledge of how this work can really harm, with my colleagues who also have the same physical pain, if not worse.. I start to think otherwise again.. that I might still have to stay.. cos of the staff benefits, cos of my knowledge, cos of the doctors, cos of their trusts that I have gained...
The physical pain still - is really one big hurdle.
I have had xrays done, and was found to have reversal of cervical lordosis. Daily muscular pain from neck, shoulders, back and weekly migraines... I have seen ortho.. who also told me that I have joint hypermobility or hyperlaxity syndrome, which also explains my back pain since young, and my elbow to go out of alignment often when I overstretch my arm during echo.
So.. I'm in the wrong job he says.. haha.. he told me that maybe it would have been better if I was born an acrobat.. haha..
The most important take home message from him was that I really need to keep a healthy lifestyle and build up some muscle to protect my joints as they're more prone to injuries.
Sighs..
Going back to work tomorrow.. and before I step into office again.. I need to set my mind right.
Like my sis says, there's no point you get sick then you cry and get all hurt, then go back.. work hard for a while, and get sick and all depressed again.. it's a vicious cycle. Yes, it is.
I can't change the environment, no matter how much I dislike it, no matter how bad it is.
The only way is to change me. I haven't been able to change myself much.. I've just been trying to work hard..and produce work.. and for a while.. i forgot myself and drowned myself with work.. Occasionally I get all revved up and become all critical about the situation.. which doesn't help me at all, probably get myself into trouble only.
If I can't decide to change my environment by moving out.. but it might not do be any good if all environments are the same.. and this I realised when I thought about my sis..about the jobs available.. the only thing left is me.
I need to change me. Not in a way to suit the environment, not in a way that is not me anymore, but just a better me that can live easier for my own sake. Cos come to think of it.. the way I am now.. dealing with my in charge area, and having a hard time at it.. it reminds me of how I was during my AC days.. trying to be the ass. class rep.
So. yep. I need to change. Let go. Live life easier. Worry less. Care less.
What for work so hard?
I came out with my superman theory some weeks ago.. I can actually be v efficient.. I can accomplish all the duties on my own given one day. And I make sure every thing runs well, everything works.. So much so that my colleagues have less to do and nothing to worry. But one day, superman gets tired too. Superman wants a break and wish that someone will cover him. Besides, Superman has no extra pay doing more. And neither do I have super powers at all. Occasionally, I grumble, complain about others not doing the work.. Actually it's cos I was trying to be superman, and now I realise that, I do not need to be Superman. There's no need for superman actually. Cos life will continue without Superman, the rest of the world will not cry if Superman's no longer around.. they'll probably just complain when work is not as well done etc..
So no more superman. I don't need to be superman, don't need to do the superman thing. I'll just do my work .
Cos my life shall not be only about work. It'll be more than work.
So to a better, stronger me... Ganbatte!
My arm was very sore.. since monday.. and somehow I manage to click my elbow back into place yesterday during yoga.. and ta-da it finally feels a lot better. My back, shoulders and triceps still feel a little sore..
I'm grateful.. to come to learn yoga. I'm sorry to have missed out last Monday's class..
I am looking forward to setting my little place for meditation.. and doing more yoga as much as I can, every day.
♥reflected @ 3:38 PM
