Sunday, December 27, 2015 ♥
December.
It has been a difficult month.
I struggled over whether I wanted to get anyone anything for Christmas. Initially I planned to bake cookies, but it turned out that I was just too busy/tired to do something like that. And then I struggled over if I wanted to get anything for my ex colleagues, and for the little girl. Eventually I did, cos she actually asked me to bring her out for a movie.
A friend's mother died of cancer.
最大的感触却是-留下来的人是最痛苦。
Throughout Christmas, I struggled to keep myself happy with my sister and mother, especially cos my sister put in a lot of effort to bring happiness to us, by bringing us around, to uss, etc. I struggled not to think about him, about how happy he must be, with his gf..
And yesterday, I actually decided to ask him for the picts we took last yr when I cycling with his mum and him. And I guess it will take very long or possibly never to reach me, even though he said 'yea, sure', cos I never was a priority in his life. N I also told him I defriended him on fb, and I decided to friend him back, so it's up to him to accept my free request.. it's childish I know... but to me.. it kinda symbolizes my letting go of the feelings I had for him, and and my ability to just treat him as a friend.
It was today that I had many realizations... and setting out to really let go of many things.
First was that it is clear that he has no feelings for me, and there's totally no point in me dwelling inside the sadness etc of an unrequited love. It is just it is, and there is really no need and it is unhealthy for me to keep 'feeling' for him. He had brought to me many new emotions I've never felt for very long; happiness, anticipation, exhilaration, hope, strength, agonizing pain, sadness, worry, anger, jealousy, disappointment... as if I was human again. And for this, I will be grateful, and for his frienship, I will be thankful.
I have been greedy to hope and ask for more, and I only suffered under the greed.
The second realization has got to do with my job. For very long, I kept thinking of my previous workplace and another job opportunity I gave up... and kept dwelling on the negative points and things I have to accommodate and suffer within my current job and workplace. And it's true, the difficulties I have to face are really not easy... the time and distance traveling, the different values, the cramped space... etc etc.. but if I have decided to stay on, I will only suffer and be unhappy if I continue to work like this.. therefore I will start learning how to cope with various challenging situations, and how to deal with my emotions and try to keep reminding myself to think of the positive points.
Last week I injured my wrist quite badly. Partly cos of my job, partly cos of my previous inactivity and partly cos of yoga. I was lucky... for the tcm Dr really helped to treat the hand, for the tapes really help, and also my current colleague and friend who helped me with the echoes. If I were still at my previous workplace, that hand would have caused much displeasure and dispute.
It was an important lesson, as it reminded me of the challenges in my job and whether I wish to continue 'cut sushi' for the rest of my life. It also reminded me to be thankful for my decision to leave the previous workplace.
It also reminded me to be more careful with myself and take care of myself more. Watch my own limits and know when to push when to stop.
And really, I do need to take care of myself more, love myself, be lenient with myself.
And also, care for those I should really care for more.. my sister, my mother and friends who care for me too.
I hope I will gain more strength and positivity to face life and its challenges..
♥reflected @ 8:03 PM
Monday, December 07, 2015 ♥
These few weeks, I put myself in a lot of stress, a lot of aggression against myself.
I was frustrated at work, impatient and angsty.
After the 'ur pitiful nonexistent bf' event... I had two other friends who met up with me to listen to me, console and counsel me...
Suddenly, I felt as if I had to make some decisions with my life.. Suddenly I felt as if I had to decide how to live the rest of my life. I felt as if I had to decide if I want to be a career woman, focussed on my work and progression and money... or should I continue to wish and try to find a man.. (kinda)... and I was reluctant to give up the possible hope of having a family, reluctant to believe that I can't have that, reluctant to think that I'm not going to be like the rest of the girls of my age, my exclassmates... getting married at my age and pregnant etc.... that I'm not 'normal'...
After talking to the two friends, I sorta made up my mind that I need to work and concentrate on earning money (the rest is up to fate)... and then I started to think that this current job of mine, the job itself and its nature... might just lead me no where.. hence I do need to find something else in the long term.. and therefore.. it started all my stress cos I felt lost and didn't know what to do, where to go, which direction to work on... especially after another two other friends told me that I need to work on my dreams, inspirations, and start building bridges etc...
With all that in mind, somehow I got so caught up in my emotional struggles.. then my friend started to try to get closer to me.. and then my other friends told me to try accepting and experience.. and I started to try.. but eventually I got myself into more stress instead...
Then the previous place which offered me a job before, asked me if I would be interested to come over for an interview.. and I must say I was very tempted... and then I was frustrated.. cos at first I thought i might want to go overseas to work, then I thought you know what, I might just not do echo anymore, cos it's possible that even if I do it for my entire life, I still might get nowhere.... then I was frustrated with some aspects of the current job.. yet I am still very grateful for the current job, and truthfully, there's a lot of stuffs I wouldn't have learnt, if I had never stepped out previously....
Then one evening my mum quarreled with my sis over me meeting up with an insurance agent, which happens to be my friend's brother.. and she left home and no matter how I tried to contact her, she refused to pick up my calls and reply my messages.. It was absolutely frustrating.
And through all these, I was still meeting people for dinners... but I was missing out some yoga classes... And, sighs, yes I was still struggling a little with my still existent or nonexistent (I don't even know now really) feelings about him...
And so I was in so much emotional stress, that I actually had nightmares for consecutive nights... waking up in the mid of the night at 3am... this whole week..
So my sis decided that she needed to talk to me about it.. and her friends to...
And by then I was already quite jaded.. I started to think.. look.. I am really tired of telling people about my problems, and hearing from people what they think I should do about my problems..
Well.. my sis still insisted that I hear her out.. which was ok.. but she felt my impatience and reluctance... I'm not truly feeling so.. I was just jaded.. and after all these days... I have already come to the 'solution' kinda...
So like she was trying to get me to understand, and I also know... is that I can't seem to accept failures, and I get affected by what other people say a lot.. and that I am seriously not coping well... and that I wouldn't even have had the problems if I tried to take everything with a positive light to begin with.. and yes... I know... it's not easy.. sighs to keep trying to be in the light, i told her... and so she said. well you seem to be in the dark far too often and too long.. can you try to do otherwise.. just try to start a day right first, by waking up with a more positive attitude...
And so I was like.... okay.... I know.. I will try....
Sighs.. but I seriously don't wish to let there be another added stress.. like having to TRY to be positive...
So.. oh wells.
The only thing I am actually doing.. is just going to kinda 'let go'. Be patient and less aggressive. Do my yoga, do my meditation.. be more proactive to learn at work, but also not try too hard.. wait... watch.. see.. and observe more.. instead of letting my mind run fast and needlessly.
And relax. Take this time as time off.. and stop thinking of 'rushing somewhere'..
Jia you... you can do it... :)
♥reflected @ 1:19 AM
