Tuesday, August 25, 2015 ♥
It's now near the end of august and before we know it, it's going to be September.
After I left my former workplace, I was still kinda stuck for a period of time, coupled with my unrequited love.. I was in a period of depression. The so-called 'quarter-life crisis' - the sudden notion of ultimate failure, having lived for 26 years of life, but with little to almost nothing to my name - no house, no job, no husband or kids, no boyfriend, not much money... no accomplishments of note. It's shocking, depressing and just oh so sad and pitiful.
What made it so difficult was that I had sorta developed a dependency on the friend/my crush. It's been so many years since I have had a crush on anyone. And it was really tough. Being so old already, yet these emotions were still kinda new to me... I was like a childish old woman whining like a girl so often to him. And it took me really long to learn to accept the fact that not only that he has no feelings for me, he has also found the 'one', his special girl, who isn't me.
It took me really long to realize what kinda of lousy woman I have become, clinging onto the unwanted love. It took me time as well, to realize that I have lost my 'steam', my strength and self confidence; in fact I was totally begging for people to like me, begging for people to approve of me, think that I am a kind and good employee, I do good echoes.. etc etc... and all that because of my previous workplace and this unrequited love.
I didn't used to be like that. I can be a strong willed person, charismatic, confident, bright and cheerful woman. But I have to also recognize, no matter how 'ugly' I was... it had been part of me, I have to be responsible for the choices I made, the feelings I decided to put in. There is no point blaming on the past, or anybody.
And so today, I have decided to let go. I have decided to let go of all these that has passed, the feelings I had.. and be clear and focused, on moving forward. I will take all of them in my stride, and be grateful as well, for these are memorable life lessons. All of them were challenges in life, and I am now past them :).
Some people in my previous workplace told me they were simply waiting to see when my fire will die out, because when I first started working, I was like a young ambitious tiger - fierce and demanding, some were offended, some sniggered at me, some were afraid of me... and honestly I did die out. I was caged up and beaten, worn and discouraged, with low self-esteem and self-worth... and all that took toil on both my physical and emotional fitness.. and eventually I lost and came out. And for the longest time, I remained in my depressed state... but know what?
The tiger is now out of the cage :) (to be more accurate, I'm a dragon... teehees) I am now not only free, but also smarter with all the lessons I have learnt. Now, I'm moving forward, charging up my fire, and sharpening my skills. I will make good use of this break to gear up and gain more knowledge, so as to be a better person.
It feels good, that I'm finally seeing the light.
It took very long though...I think I was pretty depressed for a while. I hit rock bottom when I nearly got cheated of my money. When I decided to leave my work, I looked very much towards starting a yoga teacher training course. I had put all my hope into it, wanting to use it to help me get over my crush, my sadness over my job etc, as well as to make me become stronger and recover from my back problems. Unfortunately, a week before the date of the course, they called me and told me that they only had a student, me, so they are unable to start. They came up with an alternative, teaching me some yoga therapy, yoga philosophy and paranayama at a different cost, then do the weekend yoga teacher training course. Which I didnt take up. I was really devastated, cos I had thought that it was the thing for me to do... it felt like my rope had been cut. At the same time, I was struggling with all my emotions, my crush telling me that he'll support me but I have to know it's only as friends etc.... and then the next thing I knew, the cheque the studio gave me for my course fees refund was bounced. After many days and calling, in shock and disbelief that they might cheat me of my money, I found out that they had post dated the cheque and indeed the attempt was true. It was fortunate that I still managed to get the money back in cash, but I was very much disappointed and disheartened as I thought that they were very nice and honest people; I had enjoyed the number of free meditation classes with them. It was really an important lesson learnt... that even in Singapore, as safe as we are, people can't all be trusted, and I have to be careful. It is really sad still, cos I already have trust issues sometimes.. though I easily give people parts of my heart.
Through these period of rest, I spent most of my time reading. There are some yoga books, some Chinese books, some cardio stuffs, some philosophy books. It is said that 读万卷书不如行万里路, but I'm not a traveler... so I can only spend my time reading, in hope to gain some wisdom. Many people feel that I should use this time to play, enjoy life, go travelling etc... but for me... 我已经在做我喜欢的事了. And that is, yoga, read, and think. Besides, 业精于勤荒于嬉. I feel that this time I have, I need to use it to my advantage, and gear myself up sufficiently.
What finally brought me through my stages of depression?
I watched a bit of the Korean drama which was on TV, 'My love from another star'. It helped me recognize that I truly fell for my crush, and was suffering the symptoms of rejection. Being straightforward with him, facing my emotions right in the face, acknowledging the fact that yes I liked him, but he does not feel anything for me at all, was difficult. I went through the various stages: 1. Anger 2. Depression 3. Begging 4. Acceptance, becoming stronger and moving on. I was in stages 2 and 3 for very long.
What finally pulled me through was a movie '迷城'. It made me realize that sometimes or many times actually, life goes haywire, it gives you shit... and you end up struggling and suffering... all these are meant to teach you things.. you gain different experiences, you learn different emotions.. you tackle them and climb over these difficulties and obstacles. And this is life. For some people, life is all about enjoying... enjoying life and every moment - 'live life to its fullest' they say. But for me, life is all about suffering. There is suffering everywhere. Everybody suffers, suffering is inevitable. No matter how a person may smile happily, he or she may also be suffering inside. Life is suffering so that we understand how to live, so that we learn to treasure the moments of happiness, as well as the people around us. The ultimate truth - that we will all die at the end, and alone. We suffer when we forget the true people's we need to care for, we suffer when we forget ourselves, when we become greedy, sometimes arrogant.. selfish.. and we will suffer so that we learn.
Amongst the people in my previous workplace, I will miss a few of them the most, including Chuah man. He told me this sentence - off-handedly, yet which meant a lot to me - 'learning is forever'. Indeed, learning is lifelong.
Other than that, I woke up this morning and saw a post on facebook.
It was a good reminder to me... that I was just wasting my time away feeling sad for one person who doesn't even deserve my love and tears anymore. Haven't I cried enough? Haven't I felt sad long enough? Why am I wasting my time also thinking about my previous workplace anymore? What is past, is past. Let them be, let them go.
So I did my morning yoga practice, and ended up with a short mantra sequence. 'Let go of my feelings for him. Let go of my jealousy of her. Let go of what cannot be. Let go of my regrets I had at my previous workplace. Let go. Let go.' And through my open palm and released fingers... I let go of all that doesn't serve me well anymore. I let go of all that was passed. And enjoyed that moment of release and realization that I have finally made it to the end of one journey of darkness, and am in the light now. And the source of light, is myself.
I hope to remember this always, and every time I falter, it will not be too long again for me to find the light in me once more.
Namaste.
I will continue to pray and meditate for peace, for wisdom and for clear vision.
:)
♥reflected @ 3:44 PM
