Friday, April 27, 2007 ♥
today's not a very good day.
i'm very tired.
i learnt a lesson today, but then i'm not sure if i will actually practise what i learnt.
i do wish that i can stop being so emotionally involved in what i am doing as it makes my life hell, and that i can be more confident of mysef and stop trying to change for anybody.
wah lao. damn tired. my eyes closing le...
zzzZ
♥reflected @ 11:26 PM
Friday, April 20, 2007 ♥
Sometimes i wonder.. if i die.
would it help decrease my parents' burden? it would be less a person to feed.. i would want to do so, if it really could help.
but if die.. i would be wasting my 18 years of life, and my parents' money that was spent on me for these 18 years.
so all i can think of, is just to work and work and work and earn as much money as i can.
yesterday, my mum was telling me that i look terrible..my eye bags and dark circles etc.
and made me think again that.. i never really looked at the mirror and think about how i good/ bad i look, other than knowing i'm fat, before. and think again.. about not knowing what i am doing with my life.
it's the time when i feel lost again. other than knowing that i'm trying to work hard and complete all my responsibilities...i never really think about anything esle. even now..
i am worried about my dad.. cos my mum kept asking me what to do. and i really dunno. there are so many what ifs. how can i know.. i'm not confident of anything at all.. everything is out of my control. that's why i really really really want to take medicine. but again, it's not in my control..and i am totally helpless. and i am really unhappy when those people who are able to qualify for it decides to compete with me for a place in another course that i really am interested and hope to get in.
i fear of so many things. but i really can't face them. i really don't know how to. i'm just running away. once i hit them face into face, i'll just break. i think i will.
that's why i don't think i'm strong at all. i'm really cowardly. i don't even know how to face people.
i think i'm just lost. not that i would find a way out any soon. but one day i will. i guess.
i just hope. whoever's up there. please be fair to us. please.
i'm really waiting for a qing tian...
♥reflected @ 8:52 PM
Sunday, April 15, 2007 ♥
this week i didn't go visit my dad, only went today, after work. so actually, this week was less tiring, and i even had chance to do some personal stuffs and relax. just that didn't really have the chance to go online.
i finished up my lesson plans for the coming week on friday itself, so that i have less to do. however still have quite a lot of stuffs. cos i found additional work, which just started today.
just hope that i won't have to do reflections again this week, cos don't really like to do extra stuffs like that. reason being, i don't really like to tell other people what i feel about what i am doing and my classes. if i really can't deal with anything and need help, i'll be sure to ask. but well. it's a must, so i will do it well and truthfully.
Today i actually wanted to catch The Last Samurai on tv, cos it's one of my favourite movies, but didn't get to do so, cos after work was about 3, came home for lunch, emailed some people, then went out to visit my dad. just got back home about 9.30. cos after dinner outside, i dragged my mum and sis to buy myself a shoe cos my shoe broke. i shouldn't have huh. cos mum was really unhappy. and then i really wanted to watch the movie. also, mum and sis kept asking me to buy some really pretty and sweet and so not for me to go to work shoes. anyways. i was really stressed just now, about having to buy shoes. cos in my mind, i just thought that i'm like super broke now..and they kept asking me to quicken up....etc etc.
anyway, i was super upset just now. even on the bus, i really felt like breaking down. i felt as if i'm working so hard, but not appreciated, or just not satisfying. yes, i do know that the much i'm earning is not enough for living expenses and everything, not to say about uni fees. but really. i'm working damn hard. the way to comfort me, it's not to tell me to quit. alright? cos if i do, i am just going to kill myself feeling so frustrated not only becos i have no money, but also other pple constantly telling me we have no money.
okay. i just let off some steam. the thing that some ppl misunderstand is that they think that i'm stressed from work. but seriously no. yes, at the beginning i admit, i was really really stressed. but now, no. i've gotten quite good at what i am doing, and i'm not that stressed already. what i am stressed about is not exactly work anymore.
sometimes, i really do feel a bit lost, not sure of which direction i am heading; and really, like hope for someone to just care for me. just like magically appear and care for me the very moment i'm breaking down.
and the sad thing is that i am so confident that magical person will never appear, and in the end, i always try to pull myself up. well. that's supposed to be good right. hmm.
i always think back and wonder what if. what if this and that.. of course, i do know what ifs don't exist.
guess what. i think i'm so tired i'm blabbering nonsense already. and my eyes are closing already.
hope everyone else's doing fine...
♥reflected @ 10:41 PM
Thursday, April 05, 2007 ♥
about a week passed? more than 1 week i think... but in one way it felt very long, but in another way, it felt very short. reason being, there has been many things going on.. and going on fast.
things are picking up speed.. or maybe it's just because i'm working too hard, and also pushing others too hard.. and then doing so many things at one time..
so it felt as if i have went through a lot, experienced a lot within these two weeks, and as if i have been working there for months already, when i only just began. what i can say is that i really have learnt a lot, and will keep on learning much more. it's taxing, definitely. there's so much to do.. but when you see the efforts that the other parties are also beginning to try put in, it feels great. being appreciated, accepted and liked by pple for what i have done, so much hard work i put in, feels great.
my dad's condition has improved quite a bit, i believe.. but it will still take some time.. i think.. anxiety from him and from my mum frightens me.. so much so that i have already chosen to deny my fear. but.
the only way I know. it's keep working hard. so i shall work and work, hard. there will be more problems..but i'm not the brave kind who thinks abt all of them immediately. so ..
i'm really tired. barely having enough sleep.. i even turned up late for work one day. at nights, when i finally get home and start to do all the necessary work for the next day, my eyelids keep shutting now and then.. i'm not even thinking properly as i type now..
tmr's gd friday..
i hope life will become better.
ok. yup.
i realised the more i;m going to type.. i will fall asleep even faster..
zzZZ
ok i jus woke up in front of the comp. i dozed off halfway for 20 mins.. my sis woke me.
i just want to say.. Thank you- to those who helped, cared and shown concern and encourage to me.. ppl like my sister. sorry i ever made comments about you that you didn't like..but you did help me in ways you dunno.. 'snow'- sorry about me having no time, and really thanks for caring..mo- i hope u're well now..but u most proably can't see this, hope ur comp gets well soon too.. xclassmates from yrs ago.. fel- thanks for reading my blog and giving me encouragements, teachers..
really. thank you. they mean a lot to me.
yup..zzz.
♥reflected @ 11:39 PM
