Saturday, October 27, 2012 ♥
Sighs! no yoga lesson today! and i didn't know.. cos i didn't register for the course until today.. and so i was already at the door of the studio, waiting with another girl, wondering why all the rest are late... until i watsapped ppl and realised that there isn't class today. sighs. the people there are kinda messed up and confused on their own. the dates of starting etc are all wrong, and they are the least bothered. sighs. people nowadays.. almost everywhere i go, i see people working half-heartedly, which makes me miss that nice bus driver who greeted each and every passenger who boarded and alighted the bus 'good morning', and 'good bye'. either everyone's really tired with their work, or they belong to some other generation different from mine. luckily the guy still said sorry to me for messing things up.. at least the image wasn't all shattered and too bad.
and so i did some yoga on my own at home, cos i really needed it.. my mind was a bit too cluttered, with pple from work, with my own issues, mostly wondering how to deal with some people.. which was kinda ridiculous.. cos i was simply clouding my mind with my own thinking. haha. and so i really needed to do some yoga, and to help myself, cos my mind was really busy, i turned on some soothing music and did some poses and stuffs.
unfortunately, i bruised myself quite badly though doing the bow pose as shown below, on the left side of my pelvic bone - its quite a huge bump, and it's now all purple and ugly. sighs. haha. imagine in future i go for the tougher training! even more ugly bruises! haha..
however, i was sorta relieved after a while of grumbling, that there wasn't yoga, cos i was in sorta turmoil wondering whether I should ask certain things, whether I should say certain things.. so in a way, fate has advised me to lie low and rest.
so yep.
i do have some thinking to do. at first, i was quite reluctant and resistant, cos i didn't want to use my brain juice on thinking how i should react to certain things, thinking how i should reply to certain people. it's as if here someone is interrupting my nice little bubble, and breaking into my comfy rhythm. dislike that. but my sis kept reminding me that i should always rmbr to take things in a more positive manner. indeed, i have to keep reminding myself that in whatever kind of situation, no matter what circumstances, i have to have an open mind. draw myself back down to earth, calm myself to still waters, be quiet, so that i can hear, so that i can think clearly and do things properly, what a better version of me will do.
"Live like a lotus;
It lives in water,
But the water touches it not."
To be able to see more things clearly, it is always better to be the observer. (旁观者清) so i have to rmbr how to rotate myself and become the observer.
will be taking up more lessons, including skating -intermediate, hopefully i get to learn more things and become better at it. actually, quite a good sum of my salary is spent on taking lessons.. sighs.. but they are things i like to do, so i hope in a way, i am learning to live my own life.
work has been getting on okay, just that sighs, i seem to be separated with my shifu already. sians. i wish i have my shifu with me, so that things are easier, i can just do my job, she'll help me check, and then i don't have to communicate with other people. sighs.
haiz.
during the week, i discovered certain things, supposed to be normal cos it's the nature of things at work, yet i was still kinda surprised. the first was that a small issue (needless to say, involving me) was blown up and almost everyone knew about it, when for me, it was a very meaningless and minute issue. i was a little annoyed when i heard about it being unnecessarily talked about, and blown up. people actually could put themselves together and gossip about it. sighs.
the second thing was that, indeed there can be a lot of injustice around. it will be cliche if i say the world is always unfair.. but nevertheless, to hear about it, see it and experience it, it's like getting the truth hit your face kinda. that's why i realised, it's probably another reason why subconciously, i chose to do a lot of my things on my own, and not expect others to help anymore.
which is, another reason why (or even more reason why), I really need to be careful about what i do and what i say.
extra careful. now.
sighs.
i think i will more or less concentrate on my own work, and try to kinda hide from everyone now. heheees.
gees.
i'm kinda worried. cos i'm put to do portable one session next week. on my own somemore. god. NOOOOOO!!!! There is no way i can do that! I am not ready to be independent, i haven't done the test, noooo........... (x.x)
Sighs. which makes me kinda sians too. like... i want to do my job well, strive for the best in all i can do... but i also dun want to be deemed as good either... what a conflict i am.
like my sis says - i am a 1+1 = 1+1, never 2. lol. that's why it's so hard to find a balance, she was trying to tell me yesterday.
i need a break mans. a break from my work, a break from all people!
how i wish i can go do some travel yoga.. like in bali, or some nice place with beautiful scenery and relaxing atmosphere...
i really love my little bubble and inner peace. =)
okies, i am going to slack a little more, then go study, and then run in the evening and do a bit of planning. woots.
i can still live in my bubble, i realise. as long as i want to, i can always choose to =) no one can disrupt me. =)
♥reflected @ 11:30 PM
Monday, October 22, 2012 ♥
sighs..
haven't run for two weeks alr.. and didn't run this week either. i really have to get back to my running! hmms. maybe tmr? if i come back earlier from work and go for a run? tt'll be great..
sighs. already missed 3 lessons of yoga sessions alr.. which makes that about 20 bucks. which is enough for me to get a taxi ride to work, or some new clothes, or top up my ezlink card, or a few lunches... sighs.
i have already cut down on my taxi rides.. the previous week, i managed to take the bus and train to work, and this week only twice. i really do need to try to get back to even better rhythm and energy, so that i can reach work earlier and hopefully, also be more alert. not to forget - to save money from taking cab. tt i really should avoid doing.
compared to the times back then, when i was still schooling and just started working, i was watching dramas and still managed to get myself in proper rhythm... i guess i am older now. haha. nevertheless i am determined to maintain my fitness, or even better, become more fit and stronger. altho.. yep, i have been missing out my running and rollerblading - to be ashamed of - but! it is never too late to get back to them. i just need to organise myself better. esp so cos i intend to study harder and also save up more for future plans.
i met up with my insurance agent, and he was introducing some sorta financial plan to me... and i did my calculations and realised that my spending has not been a lot, yet the amount i manage to save is also not a lot. i mean salary wise, i can't do much.. (even tho my agent was suggesting to me, how about try another career? LOL) so i am going to try my best to use my hard earned money even more wisely. spend on what i really want, and try to spend less on certain things. things like transport - definitely have to wake up earlier to avoid having to take cab. things like food - try to eat less? hahhhaa... tt i've been thinking about, wondering how i can save up on food. previously i could spend less, cos can buy from houseman, but now i have so little time for lunch, i buy stuffs from the nearer places which unfortunately, sell more expensive food. as for dinner... i even cut down on my subways.. try to go back home for dinner on certain days, and sometimes try to settle with my mueslis. but then.. when you eat out with somebody else... tend to have to spend more.. sighs.. which is what i don't like, cos food is like just 'food' - so kinda think that eating ex is quite wasteful.
anyways.. work has been quite okay.. been trying to do my stuffs well, not only for the sake of my shifu, but also for the drs, for the customers, and for myself. so i have been trying to practise all the good stuff that i have learnt and put them together. i hope that i can continuously improve as well, in quality and in speed. to do that, i also need to study more. i am trying to do so, and altho it's baby little steps and progress is slow, i am determined to strive hard.
besides that, i am also learning how to deal and work with people all the time. how to present my thoughts better, and talk to people better. no doubt, at certain times the 'demanding' me will pop out, at certain times the 'grouchy' me will appear.. the 'i dunno why i have to do this while this person can totally heck' me will come out... haha.. i am still learning to find my grounding better. to keep myself down, climb back to earth and breathe my heart out.
tho sometimes puzzling, i have found that i am learning to be comfortable in my own bubble more. previously, it affects me.. kinda like makes me feel left out when i go out with certain frens who i'm not really on the same frequency with them.. but now i feel i am growing to be comfortable with my own silence and simply watch and observe the things around, happy to be part of it yet not really part of it kinda. i think certain pple might find me awkward still, kinda like a thorn out of the crowd..? but i am still trying, and am learning to like my own silence. undeniably, i will probably be seen as even more withdrawn, but i am still learning how not to be so concerned about what others view of me anymore.
i started to first understand this, when i first realised my own noise - when my yoga teacher first showed me what was my noise - by a simple action - silencing me with another sound - music. and that was when i learnt that my noise was the one that actually disturbed the calmness i have within me. so slowly, i started to learn to enjoy the silence. in the beginning it was simply because i had no time to eat with my colleagues, so i packet my lunch, found my favourite place to eat my lunch in my lovely silence - and started to wonder if this was smth worrying. after that, i realised that i can still manage the 'silence' when i am with others. even tho it's not all the time - cos the talkative me might sometimes pop out when í get excited.. haha but nevertheless, i learn to feel happy about it, the warmth of it, and yet not too much and simply observe the happiness.
there are times i know i am not up to the level.. kinda. like yesterday. i wasn't able to find my comfy bubble. even after practising the breath of fire - 'kapalapathi breath' - i didn't manage to find the tranquility i felt before. even when i was lying in nirvasana, my thoughts still ran about, and i couldn't stop them or empty my brain. that was when i realised - i didn't have to keep trying very hard - consciously try to put them to rest. initially, i tried. by concentrating on my breathing. then i realised what i could do. just let go. i just let my mind run as it liked yesterday, knowing that i wasn't up to it just yesterday, i could do better next time, and i shall just rest and observe where my thoughts go. haha and just as i thought - it was work. haha. i guess.. i have been really working hard.. hees.
hopefully, next week i'll do even better. =)
sorta 'discussed' a bit about my imbalances with the yoga teacher yesterday, and listened to him advise a fellow student regarding imbalances that resulted in her neck problems, trying to explain to her that the solution is a long term one, and the target is the base. he was pondering aloud later, if he could perhaps start a series that works on that for the new class next week, yet he was contemplative if students can understand that the pain that they may feel after that, is actually a benefit, and not a harmful result of the yoga stretches he will be teaching. i told him i understand his point, cos i personally went thr that.
i sorta wondered after that, and actually begin working on a msg to explain my ideas. but then smth stopped me. i was doubting his intention and if he is ready to listen to me, just as how he previously thought i wasn't ready to hear him. actually so was he, i now realise, but indeed, we all have more to learn from each other. so i thought, i could just wait and see. if it really frustrates him.. if he really does have intention to try to do smth new - or perhaps it is me who's wrong and he actually does know.
it reminded me of how different every teacher's teaching style can be so different, mostly due to their own ideals and perceptions. his perception was to encourage us to feel ourselves and learn through self discovery. while - there was this amazing yoga teacher at 'yoga by the sea' - she taught the entire 2500+ of all by simply saying. she didn't demonstrate like most yoga teachers do - she didn't get into the pose herself, but simply described and told us where to go - we found our direction. that was really guidance i felt.
that was what stopped me midway during my msg- if my teacher thinks he wants to learn how to guide us more, perhaps i will sense it more and then it's time i can propose my thoughts to him.
nothing's wrong about how he teaches actually. just that it isn't appealing i guess. most people come to yoga class because of reasons like de-stressing or just to exercise..or like me- my initial intention was to lose weight and find some physical activity. rarely, beginners will come in saying 'i am here, because i want to learn about myself'. which means, many people come into the class with expectations as how i did previously - expecting to sweat, expecting to do some workout. this explains how some students tend to ask 'why can't i do this', or 'what stuffs can help me with this' - quick remedies.
so, what i think is - two ways to work it. the first way - how i think he thinks (haha) - those who are really interested, will continue on the journey and find the path. the second way - how it possibly could be - attract them to stay and learn to find the journery, which is harder.. in a way.. cos ít requires effort and there can be disappointments when you forget and start to gain expectations cos you put in effort. what i mean is, to show people the possible path - is to first help them understand what they are feeling, by feeding them what they want first, then leading them to learn how to feel and start to get interested in themselves.
but i think i need to wait and see.
a conscious reminder to myself -
"满招损，谦受益"
no matter with my opinions, or with my work.
even tho i have become more independent during my work, i think i need to consciously remind myself that i am always still lacking and don't become complacent.
i must always remember that.
hmms.
been trying to watch "The Third Hospital". it's not so easy to follow though.. it's quite interesting - about tradition han medicine vs. modern medicine. quite cool, but until now i have only managed to watch 4 episodes.
watched S.O.P Queen yesterday. Quite sad to see that ming dao has dropped from his previous main role standing... and surprised to see some 'old actors' (as in whom i thought disappeared since i last saw them years back in taiwan idol dramas during my time). glad to still like qiao en, and that i can actually see that it's really an idol drama complete with princess and prince idea, but still enjoy the show. haha. let's see how the story goes! unfortunately it's 同步首播 i think.. so it'll be hard kinda hard to follow...
okies, it's getting kinda late! need to go wash up, see if i can still study a bit more before i go to bed..
Ganbatte for the new week ahead!
♥reflected @ 1:01 AM
Sunday, October 07, 2012 ♥
woots!
so. yesterday was Yoga By the Sea 2012.
and yep it was quite an enriching experience, doing yoga with 2499 other people. hahas. yep. it was like a marathon yoga kinda. 20 yoga instructors back to back with only short break in between half of them. haha. different styles of teaching fr diff instructors as well. i'm glad i lasted thr the enitire workout.
there were really pro people, very flexible and can do all the tough poses.. and there were ah mas with white hair and doing good.. there were people totally new to yoga too..
yep it felt great. to be there, although at first i was quite unhappy cos two persons came squeeze into the space next to me, and asked me to move more.. sighs.. and everybody was just doing their yoga.. so was i.. but it still felt ok.. cos i actually managed to do my own yoga tho it was quite squeezy.. lucky me too, cos i got a ride there with two other yoga mates, and got a ride home from my sis =) nice.
funny me got myself lost on fri. haha.. i wanted to go check out the pole studios.. i asked my way there and for the way back i just tried walking on my own to see the other studio and somehow i just felt that i was walking further and further and i couldn't recognise the place... and my phone's gps doesn't work.. i was just o.O at myself.. to get lost in my homeland in the tiny space..luckily, i still had google maps. how to go overseas like that?
sighs. i still am a bit contemplative about picking up pole. sighs.
anyways. work has been really tiring. cos every day i come home, all i can do is sleep. it's horrible. completely no life. just work, sleep, wake up, rush to work. sighs.
i'm near the end of clocking the cases i require.. and my shifu was asking me when my exam will be.. so i was like =X NO WAY. i'm so not ready to take a test. no way do i want to be independent yet. nnnnooooooooooo!!
hahah. yep tts was exactly how i felt.
there's a lot of stuffs that i do not know, don't understand.. so no way can i go for a test like this. totally not good enough.
tts why. i really should pull up my socks man!!!
start studying.
gosh.
i am already looking at where to go for holidays.. in december..
LOL. really want a nice break though!
okies. i should really go start studying before i fall asleep again. sighs. i already feel sleepy.
♥reflected @ 4:11 PM
