reflections

Saturday, March 28, 2009 ♥

it seems like.. every week, there'll be days that i will wallow in melancholy.

this wk. was a tiring week.

and there'll be pple who think, while i myself agree and am quite displeased with myself, that my time table this sem is quite slack, yet it seems that often almost daily i sleep really late and attend lectures late and fall asleep at times. it could be body clock malfunctioning, too comfortable with slacking, or something to do with stress, or maybe negative peer pressure.

but i am still trying i guess. despite feeling really kinda pessismistic and discouraged.

sometimes, occasionally, quite many times.

i'm reminded of the things i try, tried, failed, or just purely didn't go any where.

i'm reminded of the people i know, knew, liked, drifted further and further to some where. else.

i'm reminded of the places i went, lingered, got changed, then realised i belong no where.

home. school. work.

probably it was just. more added sadness when some random pple dropped by and asked so how it's going, and i replied, oh yeah.. hmm. nothing's going. i gave up.

there isn't much to give up i guess. probably i just knew already in heart, that i could never be sucessful at those things. i'm not up to them.

or probably because i have doubts hence i didn't go the entire way out. and there's tt. the inferiority complex. inconfidence. or what i thought.

facing reality.

wat's the reality? how is it real?

living life?

i tried convincing myself that everyone's lives are just simply different. world is never fair.

my sis complained once, that it sucks when u're trying to look for some encouragement and comforting words when u feel sad and pitiful, and pple reply by telling u that they're are equally sad/ worse off/ other pple ard being more worse off.

but that's the way it is.

that's why i always think that, every person just simply puts himself the first, worry and feel sad for himself first. and that everyone wallows in their own self pity.

while i'm sure there are pple out there exclaiming Nooooooooo!

and start stretching out their hands and try to introduce you to things like religion, help groups, counselling. and like that really solves the problem.

it sounds more like. group pitying each other. sympathy for each other. so let's forget about them and rejoice about other things that may be present and think that how good the world can be.

and ironically, that sounds almost like running away from reality, finding some other things to do other than facing the real problem itself. sorta like how sometimes i just wish i could put my entire body in water and wade away and block all sounds and life outside. sorta like how i watch tv/drama shows/ and read. then i realise i have been reading all the while in sec schl up to jc, was i already trying to hide from truth then? have i already known since then? or how some other pple like to play a lot games, be it computer or sports.

that sounds like everybody runs away from facing life in many different ways, or am i just being too biased, generalizing too much?

everyone has problems i guess.

and sometimes. they just can't be solved.

anyways.

i have 2 more projects/presentations, 1 report and 3 more tests to go. in these coming few weeks leading to the reading weeks then btt and the final exams for this sem.

been working on the diet analysis project since wednesday due yesterday.

thursday woke up at 8.30am, went to school for lessons, came home and not sleep until 6.30am on saturday. woke up 9am to go to school for lessons, stayed in school to finish up, reached home near 9pm, didn't get to sleep until about 1.30 am. and today woke up at 8am to go to work. and phew i was just right on dot today, wasn't late again, so that my boss didn't complain again.

work was another thing that got me really low. really disappointed and discouraged. it certainly doesn't help when ur boss puts u down in front of everyone at a so called 'casual' gathering. but i'm not complaining, cos i'm quite convinced that i'm really as bad as they say. any other encouragements seem like excuses. it also doesn't help when u're told to just quit and find other place doing the same kinda job, when u know really that doesn't work, u need it.

i guess.

something's changed in me.

i dunno if i'm stronger or weaker.

i just know that i don't seem to have much perserverence that i thought i had in the past.

i dunno if i'm more independent.

i just know that i cannot depend on other people.

i feel that in time to come, when i read this again, i might think that this is really childish. or probably by then, still, nothing has changed.

i'm probably just emoing. but i'm definitely not pmsing. that i know for certain.

probably its just me.

too narrow.

i should properly open my eyes bigger and see bigger things, more things.

i'm probably just enclosed in my little world.

♥reflected @ 10:29 PM

Sunday, March 15, 2009 ♥

its like march 15 already. time flies.

have been slacking a lot i think.. although these 3 wks had to work harder a bit cos of ch presentation and all the mid terms. which are not done yet. still got 2 more midterms on the way nxt wk, then 1 more presentation, 1 essay, 2 more cas and a quiz... that's like until finals. woa.

starting to dislike ch2291 even more. haiz.

anyways. work is getting more and more tiring. considering the fact that going there by bus is damn hard cos will have to wake up earlier and 99 comes like really long intervals which sux, cos we always end up late, and even later cos we always get into taxi drivers who drive us elsewhere other than where we intend to go. which totally sux, cos not only have to feel sorta threatened my boss, also have to hear my mum nag again.

moments thr out the week, i had been quite pissed off, frustrated.. by things in school or people in general, or just plain stress, sometimes i wonder if i'll become depressed, which i am not going to be so cos there's like so many things to do. being depressed means not being able to do much just wallowing in your own world kinda like somebody i always try to avoid facing every day who refuses to do smth else. like.

anyways.
work is really getting more and more tiring, cos students increased, student types increased, different syllabus, jump topics, different standards in just one class. and no choice i have to follow throughout, and in order to help them, and also becos i'd feel it to be unfair if i just ignore those other than majority, i split the class and like teach two different things to two different groups of pple in one class. as a result i speed up things, then i worry abt them understanding. kinda. crap right. and facing people who talk only of their stuffs other than the work at hand...it's tiring, esp a grp. but i guess it's better than silence. at least they are willing to talk to me i guess. but oh wells.

i was quite upset for a while. low morale and all.
sorta deeply integrated into me. like a hidden wound.
but it's life. i mean i can quit, try some other place, and it'll be the same. cos it's still me. i guess.

anyway i pity kids nowadays- studies are not the only important part, cca takes up a lot too. today they complained to me about their march 1 wk hols is all used up for remedials, camps and ccas. which is really crazy.

which reminds me that i had really wanted to join a cca this sem. and when i actually decided to, the person spent nearly a month to reply until now, i no longer am interested again. which is kinda ridiculous cos u still gotta pay membership. for? but oh wells.

last saturday i was damn beat. like. same work all the way until nearly 5.30, took the bus to jurong point, switch to travel down pioneer and then all the way to pasir ris. it was a damn long ride. tried to sleep on the mrt a bit. went to aloha loyang where hannah's 21st early bdae pary was held. hang about for abt 1 hr with sis and left. same took mrt back also. damn tiring. like standing throut the entire day, sit for nearly 2hrs, then walk here and there. by the time i got home, i was so tired that the moment i put my bag down, i laid on the floor and fell asleep. like with the clothes unchanged, the makeup everything and my glasses. i just fell asleep from like 11.30pm straight to 2.30am. after i woke up then i realised i had fallen asleep, so had to drag my feet to wash up. i guess. going out after work is not a really good idea after all.

last friday i had baked an apple crumble for her, but i wasn't really happy abt the taste. cos it's sorta turned softer after i brought to school, so it's no longer that crunchy. even though it looked even more pretty than previous attempts.

i'm falling asleep when i'm typing this already.

hmm.

been slacking. watching shows online.

1st. 败犬女王

2nd. Mei chan's butler

3rd. Boys over flowers (korean version of meteor garden)

was disappointed over the 2nd iljimae, so didn't continue watching it.

been listening to more korean songs.

bobby kim's more blues, rap hiphop;

东方神起 (dbsk)

and shinee. (shinee's really young, like 18/19?)

been watching movies on tv.

casino royale. (very interesting and complex plot)

van helsing. (watched it like 4 times already -underworld is v much different altho it's same main actress and abt vampire)

today: reign of fire.

wait. he's the guy fr this?

super different.

i hope i dun watch this tmr:

cos like there's midterm on monday. =(. which i haven't started studying yet at all. but watching it on tv and vcd is like v different. cos its like big and clear on tv. =(. haiz.

yup i'll end here. my eye lids are getting really heavy now..

♥reflected @ 1:10 AM