reflections

Thursday, June 28, 2007 ♥

i've been thinking for quite some time. what i wanted to write. yesterday i went down alone all the way to orchard for an interview, but i didn't get the job. yesterday i was sad the entire day, but not becos i didn't get the job, i could already feel and predict that i won't get the job, cos the interviewer? she didn't even ask me for my documents.

anyway. i really hope i can get a job soon.
i've been watching a korean show on youtube. as i said b4, spring waltz. i really like it. it's super nice, touching, silent yet exciting. hard to explain. but it's just so touching. it's a love story but it's not the simple cliche love stories.

i've been confused about family stuffs again. essentially abt my dad. i've been very vexed about studies again. essentially the school fees loans and everything. haven't managed to come to any conclusion yet.

so. yup. what i've planned to write.

i once missed a boat. even though it seemed so obvious that the boat was there for me to get on. but i was so blinded, i didn't see the boat. and the person on the boat, didn't ask me to get on either.

i once got onto another boat. but this boat's a different one. it changed course. but the person didn't ask me to get on either. i was also not supposed to get on. but becos it's different, it's changed course.

i once nearly stepped onto yet another boat. the person on this one, didn't ask me to get on, didn't look inviting. one foot was inside and the other was still on land. i didn't ask if i could get on. it was a boat, that gave me much confusion.

but time has passed. the tide has come. waves pushed on. the boats all have moved on. and went further, further away from me.

i have had so much thought of the first boat, it was only after more than a year i clearly felt the boat, but i've missed it, and it has gone so far away from me, such that not only has it gone further away, another has gotten onto it.i always wanted to ask directly, why? but i never did.

the previous night i had a sad dream. about all these boats. i was having a rough time, running and running. i was thirsty and tired, and the only thing i felt like doing, was to just lie down, sleep away and just let go. i kept stopping and wanting to lie down and sleep.

then i saw the last. he saw me but did he? cos he left without addressing me.

i saw the second. he came, ran with me, beside me, for just a short moment. that's why. i know that the boat has changed.

finally i saw the first. by then i was already lying on the ground. he was occupied with things regarding his fellow mate on board, but he came. he came and picked me up, settled me on my feet, told me keep running. and left.

these boats. all of them. they are far from me. the last being the furthest, yet sometimes not too far. the second for being different, the first being the one most regretful.
but i thank them. for being, for having been, part of my life. even though they've gone so far away.

that's all. long boring story i say.

the last thing. i think i'm moving on. with them or without them. thinking or not thinking about them. even if i'm not moving, i'll be floating.

life is so hard. but it goes on. because to end it, is even harder.
I wish my dad can understand that.

I wish i have my mum's strength.
I wish my family has all that strength.

btw. i've been thinking about the previous anonymous comment too- 'There's a saying..we do not falter because we are weak..but rather because we think we are strong'
if u're the person who left this comment, pls explain. cos i can't figure out what you really mean or what this saying really mean. thanks.

and lastly.
i really love spring waltz.

♥reflected @ 11:23 PM

Friday, June 22, 2007 ♥

didn't think of writing anything. cos i am damn busy, thousands of scripts to mark.

but i really love this song. and can't find it to put it here, so can only put this mv.
i love this show. spring waltz. it's so. touching. and so silent. it's slow and exciting at the same time. damn nice.

anyway. world's not much brighter. still trying to find a new job.. but i'm feeling better. i think.

ok. gtg now.

♥reflected @ 11:37 PM

Saturday, June 16, 2007 ♥

i'm tired.

my work contract has ended. but i have more than a hundred scripts to mark. and it's going to take damn long cos firstly, i haven't really started and keep to marking consistently, and 2ndly, it's essay writing and responses stuffs like that. it takes damn long to read each piece of writing and decide how many marks you want to give.

and worse. i have a deadline. but i'm not progressing at all.

no work means no money. die.

i've not been doing much. but i have been staying up late for days and days. for no good reason, just cramp myself with all sorts of recre stuff. watch youtube talk to pple online. just not doing what i am supposed to be doing.

and how's my dad.. not very well. tt's all i can say.

and i've been burning big holes in my pocket not for recrea stuffs pls. i hate pple thinking i waste my money. cos i never. i hate shopping. i hate window shopping. i only like window shopping occasionally alone.

i'm very tired. emotionally tired too. i noe that's what a lot of pple say they feel. i just feel totally vexed. frustrated. confused. don't know what to do. i want to give up. i'm even on the way of giving up. but i feel damn guilty. cos i shouldn't.

why and how can some pple believe and put in total faith in smth? why and how can they find so many excuses for the failures/ and so on so on.

this is LIFE? don't joke with me.

i've changed. or have i? i changed back to my ownself maybe.. the me 2 years ago? or i. dunno.

the sad thing is. it's true. i never joke.

but i used to. quite a lot. even if other pple can't understand, i still used to make jokes.

but now. i think i don't. have i changed?

i know one thing though.

i'm never strong. i'm a coward. a damn coward who runs and hides away from the truth. i'm not going to live under an illusion that i'm strong cos i have so many things happening. i am coward. i have so little courage. so little courage to have faith and believe.

♥reflected @ 12:36 AM

Friday, June 01, 2007 ♥

i just hate life.

actually i didn't want to blog, but then because i want to listen to the new songs i've gotten, but then i have no one to talk to. so might as well.

everyone leads a different life. everyone has a different mind, different mindsets, different ways of thinking.

that's why many people say that noone will truly understand how you feel.

even if it's the same experiences.

that's why if i write here and say that my life is damn hard now. i can expect the response smth like: everyone's else's life is hard at times; life is always unfair; life has its ups and downs.

sometimes.. throughout the years things like that keep happening, your frens/family try to encourage you.. but it seems so cliche so fake so identical so ironical. but that's how it is.

it's hard to feel a person's heart. it's hard to feel a person's real character, esp when you yourself might not even know which one's the real you.

life is just a whole huge mess that sometimes you want to get out yet you can't. life is something that drags and drags. death is the easy way out? or is it? but i believe that it doesn't just stop there.

i realise that these questions on life never end. i dun even believe that religious people can be so sure in whatever they believe in, maybe because i haven't really chosen to believe in smth yet. but there's always so much doubts.

as i always say.

life. it's a growing up process that by hook or crook you still have to experience, no matter how bad or how good it is- even tho some claim that it can be good cos it depends on your ownself.

i hope i would be able to find a good job soon. i just learnt today that i will be doing a week or more of FREE labour. :( haiz.

♥reflected @ 11:36 PM