Sunday, February 21, 2010 ♥
i was just saying in the last post that the house comp had some problem, the next day, it completely crashed and did not turn on at all. damn sians.
but then now there's a new comp.
which is kinda. hmm.
cos it's a dilemma regarding the feelings i should have about it. cos. well it's complicated.
today i went through briefly, an argumentative essay question with my students - "Who have to deal with more problems, the young or the adults?" and it got me thinking quite a bit, and i had to stop myself from talking too much on it.
possible stands: 1. young have more problems 2. adults have more problems 3. they both have equal amount (quantity/quality) of problems.
and i came up with another stand - that technically the adults seem to have more problems, but their problems actually do impact the young and cause them to have their problems. (or smth along those lines)
Somehow, i have thought about this. but then parents do play a big part in creating the problems for their kids. it's hard not to blame my parents, while i do still care for them at the same time.
i know that one should not blame any other for the things that happen to oneself. but then it's damn hard. cos.
i think. i have scolded myself many times, for not studying harder, not thinking harder, not scoring, and everything. but then. it made me lose a lot of confidence in myself. and i think there's still a big portion of me in this way.
there are many times i think about it, about how i used to do things, how i used to be considerably good in my studies and so on. and then compare that to what and where i am now. which is really kinda depressing. Although i tried to tell myself it's not entirely my fault, it's what the adults did that led me and my sis into this situation.. then again i start looking down on myself.. cos i know that there are people who can be in more difficult situations, but still do well. so like. how come i'm not one of them?
its damn easy to blame the people around me. to run away. to give up.
but it's also damn hard. to be standing on that line. hovering. pondering. hesistating. unusure of what to do and what is to come.
there's nothing. to make me focus on one thing.
i would like to focus on my studies.. but it so hard. it's easy to blame it on family, blame it on work..
there's nothing to make and help me focus on that. but i can't balance them well either.
if i could, i would and will be that pillar, that person to help my sis focus too.
if we could, we will be able to help each other focus. but because both of us are facing the same problem, both of us lack the ability to give up all and just focus on studies, or maybe we simply lack the true opportunities unlike others, to focus on just one thing.
it makes me. anxious and worried, and 彷徨无助.
i can't find the courage. or the perserverence any more.
i wish we could do better. can we? are we able to?
we are 21 years already.
3rd year in university.
but.. our lives from 18 years old to now...seem all blurry.
i'm not ready to jump into another different situation.
it doesn't help that every day we get reminded somehow.
there are still things that i hold onto which i should properly let go.
i grew up sometimes thinking i'm a baggage. now i feel like i have a lot of baggage.
there were once i thought that its possible. possible to work towards ur dreams. then i realised dreams would only stay as dreams.
i wish i was just a normal innocent kid, having nothing to worry or care about..
anyways.
chinese new year... this year.. wasn't very good..
it was actually more on the bad side.
except for the one day when some good friends came over and spent time with us.
i'm grateful for them.
♥reflected @ 1:25 AM
Sunday, February 07, 2010 ♥
smth's wrong with the house comp again =(
i was just flipping through some pages of my sec 4 chinese journal, cos my sis had borrowed it and let her student read it. and i realised some of the pieces that i wrote, as in really wrote, were quite grumbly and emo. oh no. i must have been vexed all the way since young... oh well.
anyways.
i realised that my work do affect me a lot.
like. for example, last year, i got very affected and upset after some of the tuition classes. not only that, i lost quite a lot of confidence in myself and my teaching. so much so that i felt very upset and guilty that i was still doing tuition for the sake of money and that i wasn't good enough for the students.
till now, i think i haven't gained back enough confidence yet either.
i understand what my sis mentioned to me before - that you can only try your best, and that you are just a tuition teacher.
but. ya. it still affected me a lot, and i think as a result, my own studies got affected too. altogether with my morale and so on.
this year i've got quite a number of new students. and again, i was affected by quite much, cos this sem is especially stressful. there is a possibility that i might graduate this sem, but if i'm able to, it'll be good to do honours. nevertheless, we've already started to look at what kind of jobs we can do. and that includes attending a moe talk organised by the math society and also the career fair.
after the moe talk, i thought that i had quite a bit of passion (do i?) to teach the sec schl level. but last saturday made me question myself again, cos i was upset by some of the students' behaviour that really drove me to the situation that i thought i just couldn't do or say anything. yet today (or yesterday), they seemed to have changed (or did they?) on their own accord that made me feel as if they were still ok. i mean they listened to me? i was surprised actually... i mean as compared to the havoc they created in a later class next door... i was kinda mystified. i thought i had sorta gained some kinda of 'ground' with them.
then later... i started to rethink about it again... have doubts here and there..
i think.. it's hard to believe in anything.. haiz.
anyways. work is getting tiring. cos now my work starts from 9.30 am and ends at 6.30 pm with a few breaks in between. and i worry for the one week (i hope there won't be... but oh well) that we have to work that hours for saturday and the same hours for the sunday, cos next week is cny and that means that there won't be lessons, but my boss says need to do make up lessons.. haiz.
throughout these few weeks of school..
there have been several things to think about...
lack of time...
and i worry for the coming weeks.
cos more labs are coming up.. more projects.. more reports.. more cas..
i worry for our health..
cos we're really not young anymore, but i can't seem to find time to go do some proper exercise. yet sis is right. we work so hard to earn money and also try to save the money that we earn, yet. there are times that we want to avoid and that is to spend money on our health cos we had worked ourselves so much and in the end cause our health to suffer instead. and then. yet again, it's not like we're doing particularly well in our studies as well, and instead it's the otherwise.
in that way, i guessed i haven't changed very much from secondary school... cos i still am vexed almost all the time by these many things, if not even more vexed. or maybe life is always full of troubles and stuffs to vex about, so it's not a matter of change or choice.
its really easy to say- oh you have a choice wat!
but do we really?
haiz.
♥reflected @ 2:08 AM
