Tuesday, January 29, 2008 ♥
a few years ago about more than 8 years ago..when i was still a v young child. i had a few episodes of breathing probs. kinda like fainting and all. like hyperventilating.
throughout the rest of the years till now, nothing as such happened again. until very early this morning after midnight.
yesterday night was a real terrible night. when the adults start their furious fights again. and while i wanted to study my stuffs, discuss with sis about econs, then read the textbook for gem1008 for todays test, i had to spent the time involving myself in the chaos. and finally when i get the chance to settle down it's already past 11pm, and somehow i caught a flu. and so i was sneezing and was really tired. and so i went on to discuss the econs tutorial with sis and i was losing energy..feeling tired. after a while, i really couldn't take it, i lie down to sleep for a while..after i woke up, my flu stopped and i wanted to start read the textbook.
but. my earhole got swollen and bled again. and so. my sis was helping to me to put some antiseptic or sorts. and halfway while she was doing that i started feeling nauseous and breathless. and so i started losing colour and warmth and started heaving and stuff and hyperventilating etc. and so my sis got really scared and worried and then woke my mum and then after i stopped and managed to breathe my fingers feeling numb and all, my mum insisted on bringing me to a doctor and was lucky that my bro woke up and drove us there.
and so. after the q&a the doc cldn't explain, and so i had an ecg done at 3am. which was kinda scary. cos there were like clips and a lot of wires. and so he analysed that my ecg doesn't look very normal, wrote a memo/referral and told me to go the hospital and see a heart specialist at the A&E in case the little abnormality may be smth not good. but after mum explained to me and told me not to worry saying its most likely bcos of my lack of sleep and i agreed i thought yup. nothing. but when i woke up from my precious 4 hrs of sleep (which was so hard to fall into cos my head and eyes were throbbing) to go to school she asked me for the better go make an appointment. and so. yup. let me think. am i going to do that?
theres like tons and tons of stuffs to do, and i just realised today that my cny will really be not v good, bcos of lab reports and group project and textbooks and tutorials and lect notes, and of course how unhappy the atmosphere is like at home, and so cny would be not good. HAIZ.
and so. this is the first time i have 2 posts for the same week.
hmm.
lucky i still managed to do the test.
and sorry that i made my sis and mum worry, grateful that bro woke up to drive us there even tho it was ard 2.30am. lucky there was still a doctor.
i like my previous post more. cos there are picts. so do look at them! =)
hope the rest of the week will be good. esp cos theres going to be lab on fri and lab on following mon, and work officially starts this wk for me.
hmm.
♥reflected @ 4:11 PM
Sunday, January 27, 2008 ♥
hello！
竟然可以用华文打字。神奇吧。其实也不是很神奇。神奇的是以前，必须要拥有什么软件才可以打华文字，现在只需要调整一下电脑的程式就可以了！
虽然有了华文字输入的管道，应该不会代表我会一直用华文写我的部落格，应为我毕竟已经习惯用英文了。况且因为工作和学校的需要，我必须把握好双语，所以不希望因为常只用英文或华文来写作而导致其中一个语言的水准降低。
yup. so.
becos i'm teaching english, and then taking an eng mod tt is so uni level GP called evaluating academic arguments which is kinda tough, and then at the same time, also taking a chinese mod, which is about chinese words, pronunciation, sentence structures and so on.. eg consonants vowels etc...hence. i really gotta take care of both my languages.
which i'm proud to say.. i'm quite ok. haha.
cos i'm have had a good mix. from nan hua and from ac. even though i started to be more of mandarin speaking... but oh well.
these days have been really slack, which is bad. becos had no lab on friday and then even though had to work on saturday (even tho i think i'm not going to get paid for yesterday cos i wasn't teaching just preparing materials)..and tomorrow no lab either. so i get to have a long weekend. which is left with only tomorrow anyway. spent a lot of time slacking.. online..outside..je jp market..pas malams..
cos CNY is nearing.
but. i got ten tons of stuffs to do and so many texts to read.
and i haven't started yet.
haiz. and i slacked off today too. i watched a lot of tv. dramas and xmen2. gosh. bad bad bad.
忽然间头脑一边空白，不懂要继续写什么...
been thinking a lot some times. as in i have not been doing a lot of thinking, but i have thought a lot for a while at certain point of time.
cny is coming. so is v-day. hmm.
sometimes i think. i'm kinda independent and strong. probably it's bcos i've grown up, probably bcos i've been thr quite a lot. or probably its an illusion.
but i'm quite sure no one likes to be always independent and strong. cos it feels kinda miserable at times.
i have cried and felt really crappy. not referring to the independent strong etc. but bcos of the same old feeling bitter kind. about lacking opportunities, about how terrible i look, how haggard i've become.
some pple think i look weak and tired. some pple think i look cold and independent. i guess i've always looked like that. i remember. a classmate. who asked me one day. at the void deck canteen while he was eating.
'why are you sad?'
i was surprised when i heard that. i replied, 'no, i'm not sad. maybe i'm just tired.'
i remember another classmate, who doesn't know me well. he said smth ard the lines of
'one day it will be good to see u with all ur burden carried on ur back lifted off'
yet that was in 2006, when the things in 2007 haven't occured yet.
i guess it's kinda most of the girls' wish to look slim and pretty and all. but i guess oh well. not every person gets to be like that. it's not really about accepting reality or what you are. i think its more about accepting your own life. its not easy to not look upon those with luck and plenty of opportunities, but bcos i seem to be good at evaluating both the pros and the cons, in the end, i still go on life as it is.
even tho sab got abit >:( bcos i sounded passive and tt she thinks that my life aint tt bad and that theres room for choices.. i'm still feeling abit helpless abt tt. cos most of the time i feel the other way, altho i can control better than my sis.
some of my students face probs like i do at times with procrastinating, with unable to follow plans or just simply studying hard to do hw and stuffs even though they really want to. sometimes, i really think about making life for everyone at home better, but eventually can't really do anything. sometimes i proudly say with confidence that i will do smth abt it but eventually i 半途而废and give up? sometimes i want so much to stay in touch with all my frens who used to be really good with me, but there isn't a chance too? when they have either forgotten about me or have other and enough people in their lives to care for...
这就是--心有余而力不足。
i miss listening to 183 club. their singing is actually better than a number of boy bands around, yet...
haiz.
jay chou's on the run. so good. the songs. diff genres. diff level of complexity and standards. how much he has progressed from 简单爱, from 安静. how poetic some of his songs are. 周杰伦and方文山.
his movie coming up. kung fu dunk. wow. hope its great and i get to watch! didn't get to watch his concert...haiz.
♥reflected @ 10:27 PM
Saturday, January 19, 2008 ♥
yup.
i changed my blog skin!
i made it on my own!
=)
yup. the pictures got it from deviant art. i hope the pictures are good! although mum thought it was some close to some religious image....but it was definitely unintended. i only chose the pictures, cos i thought it suited my style of blogging. reflective. yup.
after changing the blogskin, then i realised my posts have been quite weird... the paragraphing kinda. it suited the old blogskin more. i still like the old blogskin..what i like about this new skin is that the lines are all kinda clean. but i think.. they don't look very cheerful eh? hmmm....
i changed the font too! made it big. so that people can read and don't complain that it hurts their eyes or make them lose concentration or watever.
okay yup. so i spent the afternoon doing this. actually when i woke up this morning and after breakfast i wanted to do something already. wanted to simply blog, then i thought of changing my blogskin, then i thought of doing one of my own, so that it is kinda unique, although the pictures, i took it from somewhere else..hmm. yup. but then my sis wanted to use the comp, so i got shoo-ed away. so i started reading my genetics notes, haven't finished yet, then went out with mum and sis to eat lunch and walk around at the market. finally they put up more tents. luckily they did, if not mum will continue to be upset. but it was still not very re nao, probably a few days it will be ba.
yup. then came home about 2.30, then started working on this already. and now it's going to 6. that means dinner, and after that. tv. BAD. i haven't managed to study yet. and i have a lot to do. catch up with lectures, read the textbooks to understand what are the lecturers are talking about.. bla bla ..and ya shit. a lab report. phew that it is to be done with sis. phew that finally we manage to do it together, phew that a kind girl helped us. phew that even though we were damn late for lab it went on okay.. phew that i didn't cry even though i was going to becos i was so anxious, cos we were so late due to a traffic jam, bcos we were trying to ballot at je, yet our laptop refused to cooperate nicely with us.
yup. so that roughly concludes yesterday's school, meaning, school has started, and it was the first week of the 2nd sem of my first year. after lab, went to eat with sis at megabites. there was this nice guy. who served me my food. yeah! haha. he remembered me and sis! ya. wow. we didn't even like talk to him? i was stunned when he said hi! like wow. but yeah! so fun. ate a lot. was damn full. BAD. then went home, then went out again for interview. -yup. found another job. the previous one didn't call me, so i guess they don't want me. i guess i really isn't up to their standards. yesterday's interview went on quite well! i think we got the jobs.. even tho sis don't want to work..
the venue's quite bad however. cos only 1 bus reaches there. and that 1 bus has like super terrible intervals. once u missed one, u're kinda dead. haha. and the timings are quite bad too. cos i have one super late. and one super early. shux. its like even earlier than school? rarh. but got job, earn money, better than none la. prices are going up like everywhere? damn. yup.
this week was quite. bad. as in monday and tuesday we weren't supposed to have any lessons for this week, but we still went to do some stuffs, and it was damn waste time. and then wednesday started at 10am but ended at 7pm. and thursday started at 10 too but ended at 8pm. gosh.
oh ya. uni econs? IS DAMN HARD. i mean like. i have econs A, tt's like ok.. but the lecturer goes like damn fast. and its like she's assuming everyone knows everything and what all that terms mean. and its like all i've learnt in 3 months? its like SUPER SUPER crash course. shit. shit. i damn worried for sis now. haiz. chinese was weird. cos the notes are damn short. and i have no idea what they mean. altho the lecturer is quite funny. i hope it doesn't get any harder!
i hope life gets better.
especially becos chinese new year's coming.
even though i know that it is not possibly going to improve much.
especially becos chinese new year's coming.
haiz.
I MUST. SHOULD. HAVE TO. study hard must must. haiz. and yet i am still slacking....:(. hmmm..
♥reflected @ 5:37 PM
Sunday, January 13, 2008 ♥
was thinking of blogging. then didn't want to. cos i want to spend this night or early morning watching some last vids before schl starts. but wth.
anyway. my sis solved the chinese input thing which i cldn't...and now i can blog in chinese! wow. hmm. i haven't touched chinese for so long already.. time to start practising.. esp since i just took up a chinese mod.
chinese mod. ya.
haiz. means quite a lot of trouble..but nevertheless still have to face it one day...hmm. tt means have to go to schl on monday.. lessons start on tuesday.. but tues morning i made a dental appointment..which was bcos.
i went to see a dentist on fri.. wasn't good.. made another appt but decided to find another place...
watever it is.
i hate dental visits.. cos i hate knowing that i haven't been taking care of myself properly and so on so on.. etc etc. thats jus one reason..
on wed took part in channel u k-wave party at gvmarina with sis. yeah! won tickets! was really happy. wat was even more amazing.. was that i also won the giant coffeeprince poster which i think almost everyone there were eyeing for. lucky me. they had an amazing way for 'lucky draws' too. too bad i didn't guess abt the seats. haha.
was thinking of posting picts...but saw no pt eventually..its on my sis's blog anyway.
today.
went for a job interview.
cos last week..i called and found out me and sis are no longer employed.
i was very angry.
but what to do.
haiz.
so after much hardship finally found this..went for interview today.
but.
its v far. in upper bukit timah. a place tt i'm not familiar.
i dun think i suit it.
cos my style of teaching is different. even though i feel that tt way is great.. but frankly.
teaching that way is really good. interesting and all.
but i personally, i don't like my own teachers like tt. i'd rather them come to the point and tell me what i need to do well.
discovery of knowledge...i guess..i'm jus not very good at it..i'm better at accepting knowledge and passing down knowledge and stuffs.
i wish i have the charisma and spontaniety..
hence. i'm worried abt my ability to take on the job and face the challenges and stress that may come with it. i lack confidence in myself whether i can cope.
with the job. the stress.
together with school. the ultra stress.
lab. lab reports.
the really tough and chim stuff... the long hours...
i have been really angry.
and frustrated. and vexed. and sad.
apart from bidding and schl stuffs which really sux...
its the feeling of disappointment..disgust
i just hope my dad. will.
even if u dun truly care for the rest of us anymore,
do it for urself and by urself. stop trying to rely on the nonsense stuffs.
look at mum. look at us.
please dun make me give up completely. i can't imagine wat'll happen. maybe i did try to imagine. i imagined the hate and sadness if anything breaks up, even though
i should stop here.
i just wish
the world has no worries.
just as those have given up on me, unto them will i do the same.
but before that i must be strong.
even if i dun want to be. even tho i want to just..depend on some1..i can't.
cos noone will always be there and be strong enough for another.
btw.
i found out tt my bro removed the chinese input function.. which means i can't blog in chinese.
btw. think i shld change my blogskin? i think so.. but never get to doing it.
♥reflected @ 1:07 AM
Wednesday, January 02, 2008 ♥
2008.
only one wish.
that it'll be good.
that everything will be good.
i'll continue to do my best in everything.
i have so many hopes.
but bcos 2004-2007 had all been quite not good.
theres a chinese saying that says the more hopes u have the more disappointed u get.
but theres also a saying that says hope helps one to live.
but i say. sometimes. sayings mean nothing. u try to believe in smth. but u may end up doubting it. so wat's the point of trying to believe. some say its to help one to conquer his fears. i say its to help one evade his fears. some say its bcos u dun believe enough. i say its bcos nothing can ever be 100%.
i just had a hair cut today.
i hate cutting my hair. i hate people who cut my hair. i hate feeling unhappy after cutting my hair.
and 2 of them have yanked my earring. and today one yanked so hard until it bled.
i said cutting my hair is like visiting a dentist.
its like.
having an exam and waiting for results.
when u put ur life in hands of others.
some say dun exaggerate. its not tt big a matter. and maybe have a good laugh.
but i say. wait till u experience it.
again all say. u're not in my shoes, u won't understand.
i say. tt's why every1 thinks their lives are damn bad, tt's why they all think life is not fair to them, tt's why no one can be satisfied and according to who? cant remember...durkheim? no.. but ya according to some sociologist and some who think it common sense which i learnt has no link or sorts... that is why there are beliefs and such. but well.
i think. yeah. all these help a number of pple to live, no matter what they call that.
but life is hard? forget the crap that goes life's never easy.. life is hard so that u noe when it's good.
sometimes u confuse urself over all these so much u become more troubled in the end.
so why not.
just live it.
cos u have to live it.
that's why even tho i hate a lot of the things and responsibilities that have to be done in life, i still continue doing it. not bcos i have ultimate bravery/ strength, but bcos these responsibilities are not smth u can push away; they're part of living.
whoever wants to be strong? i don't want to. but yet i try to be and remain strong.
whoever won't want a shoulder to lean on and cry on?
but bcos a shoulder won't or never is going to be always or once around, u've got to learn.
to walk alone.
i thank those.
who helped me to understand that. and i hoped more of the pple ard me understand that too.
still and always. i feel sad. for those who have given me up. so much so that i have also given them up.
perserverence isn't always good. cos too much leads to stubborn-ess. which in turn leads to sadness and problems when changes have to take place.
after typing. like how i always do. when i post such reflections or sorts. i would wonder.
wat crap am i typing.
ha.
anyway.
happy 2nd day of 2008.
♥reflected @ 8:17 PM
