Sunday, March 31, 2013 ♥
I was looking for a dream... And I thought I found my dream...
To be able to learn and do aerial silk.
And to do that, I had aspired to learn pole first as suggested by one of the instructors.
But recently, I am starting to have doubts about pole. One of the main issues include my shoulder and wrist pains from my work hazards that seem to be aggravated from pole. The second worry is about the several bruises I get from learning pole. My yoga teacher says, if you are really into pole, you will feel that they are simply part and parcel of the learning process. That I do know, and although I do not carry them like trophies of my hard work at pole, I do not strongly feel against these bruises. It is just that with my job scope about heart and blood circulation, it just doesn't feel that healthy to have so many bruises, so I kinda don't feel very comfortable about them.
Yet, it is undeniably, I must say that I have gained some things from pole. One - more activity - more life, less stagnancy, more fitness. Second - although at first I was pretty drained out from the physical demands, I have indeed gained strength. And also, I have widened my social circle a little and know some more people.
However, there are just doubts. I had a short chat with my yoga teacher, which reminded me of the 'dream' that I told him I found - 'To do more of the things which I find the 'together' feeling' and also to find people who I have the 'together' feeling as well. Kinda like to find the things that I enjoy, that I am 'in sync' with, that has the same vibe as me. As I told him, I felt like I could do yoga every day, for life and everywhere. This was the feeling I got during yesterday's yoga session again. It just felt like yoga is already part of me. But I could not say that for pole. He suggested that I should go for polity night that is happening coming saturday, and then, I can 'test waters' again - if it is the same frequency as me, and consider again. That was what I thought of as well, to wait till after showcase. I think it will be quite a pity, though.. if I really give up. Sighs.
Showcase is tomorrow! I hope to be able to do the things I want to do.. and I guess most importantly, have fun as well!
One of my pole classmates has asked me to go for a trial class with her at celebrity fitness, for hammock yoga. I have been wanting to do that already.. So I'm actually quite delighted to go try. Unfortunately if I really do that, I probably will need to drop pole, don't think I can manage that many activites, plus still do my work and study. Somemore, taking courses need money de lehs. However, something I don't like about celebrity fitness, like true fitness etc, you have to pay a membership fee for full year that kinda - and you can come for any lesson any when - your own choice.. Hmms... I rather the classes have a syllabus kinda..not like you can jump into a class as and any when. I don't like that the instructor doesn't give individual attention to students as well. This was my experience from one session at true fitness. I mean, yes, yoga is a very individual thing, but the reason why instructors are important, I feel, is that there is a need for guidance and also watch out for students to prevent accidents and injuries from happening. That's why I like my yoga lessons at frontier. I think I will go for the trial class and see how.. Then work things out from there I guess..
Last Friday, I took the plunge and bought Le Noir tickets for sis and I. =) I'm glad we managed to do some stuffs together outside our daily work =) It was a pretty awesome show, though I felt if compared to Cirque du Soleil, it is much of a smaller scale and less grand and beautiful. My yoga teacher actually got a privilege to do a free workshop with them! Awesome right, I am super jealous!!!
Last Sunday, went to NUS guitar concert 2013, 'Introspection|Reflection' , which was held at Yong Siew Toh Concert Hall. It was a pretty good one, marveled at some of the performances. The 'Impatience' piece was very memorable. Never mind that I am very much less music competent than the reviewer from straits times, I thought that the music did bring me some thoughts and as I listened to the music, memories of the past came to me, and I did wonder - if I had the chance to go back in time, would I make the same decisions again? Saw jc up there, and remembered the times back in ac when I was struggling very hard almost in everything - in guitar, in studies, in class and with people. It was definitely a lousy experience at ac, but I must say, like I told Esther, one of jc's church fren whom I gave a ride to jurong east, it made me grow more independent and helped me to adjust to uni life more easily. And I also realised that in my heart, I do know that guitar is not something I am really that passionate about, unfortunate it may be. Anyways, I was very thankful that my yoga friend went with me hahaa. It was quite unlucky for us, cos we met at 3.30 to swim, but it kept raining. The swimming pool didn't allow us to enter also. we waited till 5 then decided to eat dinner first, but still it didn't stop. In the end we went to jurong east instead, and we actually got to swim for 30mins before we left to NUS. But at the end of the day, both of us were v hungry. hhahaa. luckily i drove, so we went off to eat a bit before going home. =) it was an awesome day.
This week, was a bit crazy, cos there was a lot of work for me, and I was pretty stressed up. I'm still working on the powerpoint for the echo sharing session on Ischemic MR that I will be doing with a senior.. Then there are stuffs I need to read, and some measurements I need to do. And there is this other senior that is chasing after me for some nonsense stuffs. O.o. And seriously, I pray that these 2 doctors don't come looking for me tomorrow and yell me and stuffs... cos I did their echos.. and they are really strict people. A relief though, is that I took leave tmr for the showcase...so let's just put all thoughts of work aside tmr.
Ganbatte! Must jia you k! Do a great job!
Alright, that said, I need to go and work on them alr. hahas.
♥reflected @ 3:12 PM
Sunday, March 17, 2013 ♥
Yesterday was the second time tears came to me during a yoga practice. Was a bit taken aback by myself too.. and worse.. it was kinda unstoppable. =S
I remember the first time I cried during a yoga practice was last year, before I started learning echo. I was in so much stress and worry about my wrist, if it could take the physical stress from my job. I was uber stressed for weeks, and until the last pose, savasana - I just cried.. And it helped me release all my stress and brought me courage to face my fears.
As for yesterday, it happened when I was to the end of the beginner session.. suddenly.. I just.. cried. Cried cos of the things that happened this week. Cos of the hard work that I put in which was absently criticised by others, cos of the heart that I put in which was ignored by others... Cos of my accidental slip of my mind - 自不量力地say things and do things out of my line...Cried because I was sad, cried for my own stupidity, cried for my own self-pity.. Cried for my struggle and dilemma - whether I should study and know more -I know I should, yet when belittled by others - what is the point?
Sighs.
It was difficult to stop my tears.. once I started.. and it was a bit ridiculous... how I looked I think..
I don't know how possible it is for me to learn to use my left hand, whether it advisable..
It was a difficult week for me to get through, felt like I had my emotions play me, and made me absent-minded. It is hard.. I guess that's life - the tone can't be a straight line all the time, there'll be ups and downs. That's the challenge - to be able to live through all the ups and downs as a straight line. That's why I like the lotus. To be able to grow out of muddy waters, still pure and strong.
I wish that I can be like that, and can presevere in the things I do.
Just this week, the thought of quitting pole came to my mind twice. Looking at the bruises all over me, wondering if they were really necessary, whether I am doing it right.. whether the path I am trying to walk is suitable for me..
Showcase is drawing near.. I have sorta decided on the song, look and a bit of the steps.. I hope they all work out.. then I can think about if I want to progress further or repeat or.. quit...Let see, I shall not worry about the future when it is not here.
As for my job, perhaps.. I am kept here because I am still needed here, and I need to be here still.. Take my time, there is no rush.. I will learn whatever I can and slowly gain the confidence that I speak the lack of.. Then I can move on.. I guess.. I will be ready then. To move on to the other scopes I want to go to...
As for the people around me.. I guess, I should remember - that superiors will always be superiors.. Sighs. That is reality, and I should not play with reality, or worse, forget about this reality and lapse in my thinking and recognition of this fact.
My colleague told me - I should stop sighing at the start of the day. Instead, I should start it right. He suggested that I stand and face at the mirror and say - "I can do it!" and positive stuffs. kinda like kdrama hahaa. oh wells. Worth trying! haha
alright..shall end here, and quickly start settling the stuffs that need my settling.
Ganbatte!
♥reflected @ 3:58 PM
Monday, March 11, 2013 ♥
这个星期，得到了很多领悟...可也好像多了更多的彷徨与无助，绝望以及伤痛...有人跟我说‘身为人本来就是受苦的，所以更应该知道能快乐是多么难得，多么的需要珍惜’。改变不了周边环境，改变不了周边人们--我改变得了自己吗？确定方向时却杀出程咬金--瓦解我对方向的信心，难道人生是永远的探索和寻找--那是多么的累人呀！羡慕别人的坚定意志，希望我能保持着我一直相信的努力和用心，得来的却是如此，愕然发现事实--人是多么可怕且又可悲呀！
那是一种恍然大悟，也是一种提醒 - 其实我是知道的，可又忘了...
The biggest problem I always face when I do stuffs - is actually myself - my inconfidence, my countless thoughts, doubts with myself and all these cos of my high expectations of myself, my wants of wanting to do it well - and in the end, they all backfire and hinder me instead. What irony.
yet there are times that i can slack and forget to keep myself on form, forget that it's not all and there's more that i don't know yet.
One colleague was sharing with me today that she believes in 'the right time and right opportunity'. She urges me to stop feeling upset about the door that was closed in front of me, but look from another point of view - that it may have not been the right time, or my path may actually not be the one.
sighs.
i know i have to study more. i have lots of stuffs i do not know yet.. i must consistently remind myself that - not to be complacent - 满招损，谦受益 - there were times i felt that i forgot my place this week - 自以为是，自不量力。how can you forget! you are just a small ant. SMALL ANT! 随时可以被踩死，踩得扁扁的呀！
i will do better this week, remember to watch myself more carefully and resist the temptation of thinking of helping. if not i will only 自食其果。cos who am i to help? what was i thinking? gosh...
haven't blogged for some time.. cos everytime i want to sit down and blog, i seem to have many other things i need to do.. and yet, i can't seem to find time to study..somehow it just feels that it's weekend and i really don't feel like doing anything that is related to work..sighs.
nevertheless, i do want to blog about yoga. yoga has been okay, just enjoying the workout, but i realised that recently it has become a bit like a routine.. i guess that's okay, cos it probably means that i'm more fit now... in a way, cos i found it more energising than tiring, as compared to previously. but i guess i need to bring back more awareness and do more of this reflection thinggy.. if not the things i have felt during class, might be forgotten instead. unfortunately, there is this aunty in my class...well, let's just say that she's like a needle poking into my comfortable bubble every time after my yoga sessions.. and i fail to see her as just a needle and keep it outside my bubble..so i get affected and i tend to lose my mood that i originally wanted to keep. sighs. i guess there's still a long way for me to go as indeed, i confess, am unable to not let things around me affect me.
now i'm less upset, but i guess when i do think about it, i will still find it hard not to be upset - about this friend of mine. i guess today is no longer the same, and the past days are simply memories to keep. i admit, i no longer put as much effort to try to keep in touch with my friends anymore.. but i know who are the ones i treasure. Yet, it kinda hurts when the effort when i do put in, don't reciprocate. I guess indeed, the friendship may no longer be there already... i need to accept the fact and let go. i will no longer be the 'bus stop'.
i hope that as i become stronger physically and mentally, i will settle down properly and start studying harder for my work as well. of course, i need to stop saying 'i will' but just start. at the moment, i am the only one finding excuses for my own reluctance to study.. keep saying i dun want to touch work related stuffs after work - that is not how i was used to be. i need to better myself! 'the best is yet to be!'
3 weeks to showcase! and I still can't manage some stuffs well.. geez. we've gotten the theme already... and i've sorta done a bit of research and found the look i want, and also chanced about a song that i think might be suitable. i hope i'll be able to do all that!
jia you!!!! you can do it de!!! have faith!
last but not least, i wish to end with this...
it is smth i always wish to achieve..
♥reflected @ 12:00 AM
