Sunday, December 27, 2015 ♥
December.
It has been a difficult month.
I struggled over whether I wanted to get anyone anything for Christmas. Initially I planned to bake cookies, but it turned out that I was just too busy/tired to do something like that. And then I struggled over if I wanted to get anything for my ex colleagues, and for the little girl. Eventually I did, cos she actually asked me to bring her out for a movie.
A friend's mother died of cancer.
最大的感触却是-留下来的人是最痛苦。
Throughout Christmas, I struggled to keep myself happy with my sister and mother, especially cos my sister put in a lot of effort to bring happiness to us, by bringing us around, to uss, etc. I struggled not to think about him, about how happy he must be, with his gf..
And yesterday, I actually decided to ask him for the picts we took last yr when I cycling with his mum and him. And I guess it will take very long or possibly never to reach me, even though he said 'yea, sure', cos I never was a priority in his life. N I also told him I defriended him on fb, and I decided to friend him back, so it's up to him to accept my free request.. it's childish I know... but to me.. it kinda symbolizes my letting go of the feelings I had for him, and and my ability to just treat him as a friend.
It was today that I had many realizations... and setting out to really let go of many things.
First was that it is clear that he has no feelings for me, and there's totally no point in me dwelling inside the sadness etc of an unrequited love. It is just it is, and there is really no need and it is unhealthy for me to keep 'feeling' for him. He had brought to me many new emotions I've never felt for very long; happiness, anticipation, exhilaration, hope, strength, agonizing pain, sadness, worry, anger, jealousy, disappointment... as if I was human again. And for this, I will be grateful, and for his frienship, I will be thankful.
I have been greedy to hope and ask for more, and I only suffered under the greed.
The second realization has got to do with my job. For very long, I kept thinking of my previous workplace and another job opportunity I gave up... and kept dwelling on the negative points and things I have to accommodate and suffer within my current job and workplace. And it's true, the difficulties I have to face are really not easy... the time and distance traveling, the different values, the cramped space... etc etc.. but if I have decided to stay on, I will only suffer and be unhappy if I continue to work like this.. therefore I will start learning how to cope with various challenging situations, and how to deal with my emotions and try to keep reminding myself to think of the positive points.
Last week I injured my wrist quite badly. Partly cos of my job, partly cos of my previous inactivity and partly cos of yoga. I was lucky... for the tcm Dr really helped to treat the hand, for the tapes really help, and also my current colleague and friend who helped me with the echoes. If I were still at my previous workplace, that hand would have caused much displeasure and dispute.
It was an important lesson, as it reminded me of the challenges in my job and whether I wish to continue 'cut sushi' for the rest of my life. It also reminded me to be thankful for my decision to leave the previous workplace.
It also reminded me to be more careful with myself and take care of myself more. Watch my own limits and know when to push when to stop.
And really, I do need to take care of myself more, love myself, be lenient with myself.
And also, care for those I should really care for more.. my sister, my mother and friends who care for me too.
I hope I will gain more strength and positivity to face life and its challenges..
♥reflected @ 8:03 PM
