Sunday, November 22, 2015 ♥
One week after my birthday.
In a less than an hour, and a few messages, I defriended him on facebook and told myself I will not contact him anymore.
伤心，因为以为找到了知心之人，结果却如此... 难过，失望，感觉被好友背弃了。
原来，从始之终，不管是感情或友情，都是我自己一相情愿地投入太多。
只能笑我自己傻。
I was going through a lot of internal turmoil, struggling to decide what to do with my life, living in the dilemma.....
And so on friday morning, I asked him if I could have dinner with him and gf.... cos I hoped it could give me a wake up call like that, if I see them two lovebirds sitting in front of me.. of course, that didn't happen.. on the account that they are busy.
I do understand now, that I am not on anyone's priority list.... I dun even know what's my own priority list anymore.
He asked me why, so I gave an truthful explanation -
'
I don't know what to do with my life. Today, I thought at least I need to stop this self pitying thing, and start living. So I thought if I could hurt myself by having dinner with the two of you, enough to move my ass.. I might start living better.. But I guess that's not how it works.. Cos friends or not, we are separate entities and there are no obligatiojns. I should see that and start living so. You, like any other friend of mine, will always have my blessings.'
And this was his reply
'
U need to get a bf lol. And I will feel so sorry for him lol'
And that moment. Was anger... then sadness..
I told him
'U just joined the gang of ppl... telling me that I'm not worthy to be a woman, a gf and a wife... which includes serene and her fiance, huishan's fiance, Dr tang and wife etc... quite a no...'
Maybe he was joking, or maybe he wasn't. Maybe I'm truly unworthy, especially cos so many people said so of me. I know I'm difficult, I know I'm flawed... but like anyone else, I yearn to be loved, yearn to be taken care of. I thought he knew me, he understood me... but in that instance, he didn't know me. In that instance, he stood with the rest and condemned me. I thought he was a good friend, trusted him with my worries and troubles... yet... this was what I got.
是从一开始他都不懂，也不在乎懂我，还是有了女友的他变了?
Whichever it is.... he doesn't know me now.
被背弃的感觉...就是我哭着入眠的感觉。
But he never replied. So I guess that it really is it. I kept having this feeling of 被欺骗, cos when we started knowing each other, he cared for me... and stuffs.. all the frequent messaging etc.... 原来只是他做朋友的方式，不是他误导，是我自己误解。
I always wanted to tell him thank you for being so responsibly irresponsible. Especially cos it seems that such things between me and him happened to some other girls as well. And there he says, I can't do anything if people like me what.. I can't help if people bla bla bla. I am no one to judge... but I guess, putting this foot down... has to happen.
每个人都有自己的活法，都有自己的辛苦，都有自己的人生。恭喜他找到了自己的人生，找到自己的另一半，就如此吧。他走他的阳光道，我过我自己的独木桥。
人缘已尽。
I know I am very flawed. 其实我很自卑的.... and he knew that.. unfortunately..
When I was in bkk, at the conference, I didn't know what got to me, I went ard telling people about my good echo skills... like an arrogant fool. 其实.... 我是那么的难过，自卑的... there's so much I'm lacking as a person, I know...
可世界之大，难道真没有可容我的一处 ?
就真的没有人原意懂我?
每个人都只喜欢那华丽的包装，那花言巧语的美言吗?我的真就这么惹人厌?
做人就真的需要带着面具做?
I have been learning... changing myself.... trying so much....
Speaking less, watching my words...
Sighs...
Through these 2 weeks.. this thought kept flashing through my mind -
人生不过如此?
Seeing the terrorist attacks in paris, the Syrian refugees.... I know very much that I don't deserve to complain...
可我没想当什么大人物 ....我愿平平凡凡地过.... 明白吗?
My birthday was spent quietly at home... slept most of the day away. It is during such a day, when you realise the no of friends who remembers you and wishes you happy birthday... turns out to be so... little... even with facebook...
Although people always tell me (including the fortune teller), 朋友不用很多，好的几个就够... 但是还是觉得寂寞，伤感的 .. I'm not that brave, not that independent 的.
Sighs.
I am grateful though, cos the day before, my boss and Rena bought me a birthday cake to celebrate my birthday.. and we went for a celebratory lunch when he came back from overseas as well..
Some whom I hoped will greet me 'happy birthday', didn't also.
有期望，就会有失望。
Sighs.
Anyways.. after all these, I told myself, I will start to at least, try to live better.
♥reflected @ 12:58 PM
