Tuesday, November 10, 2015 ♥
It's November already... how times flies... it seems like it was just yesterday I was still in Bangkok. .. just yesterday I left nhc.. just yesterday he told me he has no feelings for me... and that he has found the one girl, and that she is his, and him, hers. Just yesterday I started working in private... just yesterday I nearly lost a friend cos I couldn't make up my mind and wandered across boundaries suggesting a relationship with no real intention especially when I was still 'in love' with my ex crush, and though he said it would be fair cos it was the same for him.. it was just wrong... just yesterday I walked into my ex-boss office, placed my resignation letter on the table...
This year seems to be made up of many 'first times'..
This year marks my first time (though I'm no longer a teenager and quite an adult already) confessing my love to a man and gotten rejected, first time writing and giving a resignation letter, first time putting in deposit for a yoga teacher training course and nearly got cheated for the money, first time getting on a plane on my own...
This year is made up of many downs, many struggles...
One of my good friends brought me to a fortune teller last Sunday.
He told me that I have 将军命，that I am a 女强人, and I will be very successful at my career and earning money... but it'll be better if I'm overseas, and that the more competitive the environment, the better I will be. However, because I am destined to be a leader and 女强人, I will always be alone. Not many friends and poor in romance luck. He also told me that I will have some kinda 妇女病, perhaps some operation in my forties. He also mentioned that I have the tendency to be trapped in my own thoughts and become depressed.
After listening to all that, I wept. I don't want much in my life, just a house and family of my own, a job that pays well, and good health. But he just told me that I will be a successful career woman with lots of money but alone, tired and sick? I want a man who loves and cares for me, but he just told me that I will have a lot of 烂桃花 and no one will actually there with me for life?
WTF.
He told me I need to learn to take care of myself, pamper myself more... so right after I got over the initial tears... I went for a manicure and a pedicure. Sitting down there... stoning... digesting what I've heard.
To be honest... it's kinda not the first time I've heard all that.. not from a fortune teller, but my own thoughts and what other people told me.. People have told me I'm a leader, I need to be in high ranking roles... etc... sighs. Hearing from him is like having a double confirmation... like the story of my life is sealed... like I have already been branded. And really, I am at a loss of what to do.
He warned me that I must be driven by goals in life, if not as time flies I would be like a 打败战的将军.. I need to dress well and present myself in positive light so that my luck will be good, especially cos my 'morning and nights are reversed' so I have tendency to fall in the darkness.
But. I really don't know anymore.... cos I never cared much about money... Yes, career has seemed to be the only thing that kept me alive... but I don't wish to tire myself all life with work..
Sighs.
It is said that 某事在人，成事在天。Some may say, it's still your life, you are the master of your own fate... etc.. but can we really escape our destinies?
The previous times I told myself the whole reason for me to be in private is to push myself to my limits, out of my comfort zone... and to change. I wanted to change. I wanted to be less domineering, less authoritative, less egoistic, less critical, and more open minded, more flexible, more street smart and more sociable... is this a start to a easier, more 女人的 me.. or in fact.. it's actually slowly gearing myself up to become more of a 将军?
At that moment... I just felt confused... but one thing I know... having walked to this stage.. there are some things that are obvious... things like I'm pretty honest and still perfectionist about my work... and indeed I dislike too girly girls and gossipers...
Now... I only know... I can only do the things I can do when I'm still alive..
I can only try to maintain postive, dress well.. take care of myself more..
Study as much as I can, yoga, meditate, work hard, love others, love myself more, and if I ever have a chance at romance.. treasure it, enjoy it, take care of it and if I have done my best... the rest is up to the gods...
♥reflected @ 3:25 PM
