Sunday, October 11, 2015 ♥
October.
It's been a month I've worked in my new workplace.
After the first hurdles of trying to cope with a change in environment, came a few other issues.
The first was to do with the bangkok trip. My boss has granted me permission to go to the conference. My intention was to take the same flights as my excolleagues who will be attending the conference as well, and travel with them. Unfortunately, my boss had his own ideas in mind... and my colleague made the booking on behalf.. and before I could see clearly, the tickets were booked, for a different flight.
At that moment, I felt anguished, anger and frustration. I knew that to them, traveling is nothing, as they are frequent travellers, but I thought my colleague and friend would at least understand and protect my interests... so I was very upset.. and yet I couldn't voice it out.. decision's been made; it will be creating trouble and sowing discord if I insisted on making changes. So I felt like a volcano wanting so much to erupt but got cold water/ ashes thrown onto me. It took me a while to get over it, and it was thanks to my mum who advised me.. to first take gratitude in the fact that he is supportive of me going to the conference, unlike some doctors who do not even give value to the fact that I am ardms certified.
The second 'dispute' happened over my colleague's study. I was agitated and frustrated with the lack of some important values in the study, yet it was impossible for me to get them anymore.. and I had to decide nevertheless, what to write for it. It took me tremendous effort not to grumble, complain or yell; she insisted that I see her perspective that she has done her best... but I wanted so much to tell her that 'her best' is horrible..... hahaaa. She was upset still, cos I couldn't entirely avoid showing any emotion, and I couldn't not point out her faults. My other friend told me it was largely due to the way I presented her mistakes, which made her feel defensive and offended. For me, I just felt that 'you made mistakes, you didn't do a good enough job, yes I questioned your competency. You need to know and improve.' Unfortunately, she has limited interest and little intention to improve in her echo.. and as a result we clashed. In one way, it's true - had I brought forward the matter in a softer and gentler manner, it may not have been as unhappy.. and then I would question myself - 'that's not me!' But who's me? One of my mentors gave me this quote 'sustainability is adaptability' after I told him about the situation. I shall bear that in mind always and take it as a challenge to change or better the ways I talk or bring up issues, more consistently now.
The third issue was to do with a poster design. My colleague is one who is very straightforward, decisive, and has less attention to details. I am on the other hand, perfectionist and anal about details and performance.. yet less decisive. My boss, however, is especially alert about little details and yet requires very quick and highly efficient work. So we clashed. He wanted numerous changes to the poster, she wanted to get it over and done with... while I just wanted to do the best. She was agitated that I was feeding his relentless and sometimes unnecessary demands.
And then there was this episode about the machines. Because of budget issues.. and differing perspectives, I felt that I had to compromise a lot.. and that made me frustrated with the idea of having to 'make do', cos I wanted the best...
So yesterday I was just in this emo mood.... feeling troubled and vexed. I felt as if there was so much challenge in this workplace, not just physically (cos of the space constraint), but also emotionally... I was like 'What am I to do.......?!?! I'm just having to work with 2 ppl only, why do I have problems? What is wrong?'
And then there was this other episode... I was at my previous workplace, I made an offhanded but very offensive and scalding remark, that will hurt the person involved had she been there to hear it. I didn't mean it directly at her, I was referring to the context whereby we become machines and get lost at what we look at after doing too many echoes... but what I said came out really bad; I sounded very much like an arrogant snob who thinks 'I know it all'. And I ended up being very upset with myself after... having been 'told off' by an 'ear-witness' and realising it myself..
So yesterday, I told my ex-crush, 'you're right.. just my criticism is good enough to kill off all possible relations with people and that people are very unforgiving to what i say'. He thinks that it's simply the sg way, and that sg ppl are very sensitive. And I told him, I'm just working with 2 ppl, yet I feel so suffocated sometimes, what am I to do? And he told me 'I dunno, if it's you, then you change. If it's the workplace, you move on'. I went 'nobody can really accept me the way I am', and to that he replied, 'you gotta learn to accept yourself first and then after, to accept things as they are and relax'.
And from that, I realised that indeed, once you are able to accept yourself, the rest of the world will accept you, cos you don't essentially require others to accept you anymore; you won't feel rejected. Also, to learn to accept things they are - I do need to acknowledge and learn to accept every one's differences and accept my friends, including their goods and bads, their faults and my own faults as well.
And after flipping some of my books... I realised some things even more.. I shall put the excerpts here -
first from 道德经 四十五章
大成若缺，其用不弊。大盈若冲，其用不穷。大直若屈，大巧若拙，大辩若讷。静胜躁，寒胜热。清静为天下正。
'What journalist doesn't want to win a Pulitzer prize? It's the greatest height a journalist can reach. Or so they say...
... but I have this strange ego: if I don't win, I've failed. There's no middle ground. It's A or F. There are no other grades like B, C or D.'
'The Ego is not who you really are. The ego is your self-image; it is your social mask; it is the role you are playing. Your social make thrives on approval. It wants control, and it is sustained by power, because it lives in fear.'
And I remember that incident I was telling him I missed/liked doing portable echoes for the pts in ccu/ctsicu etc cos I felt good knowing my echoes will truly help them who really need it, and they are having one of the best techs doing the test for them.
So I realised. I am this one woman with this ultra big ego.
I felt like such a failure when I left my previous workplace; I am arrogant and obnoxious about my work, on the excuse that it is my only skill I have learnt for four years, I have to be that good for it... etc etc.
Yes. My ego. Always my ego coming into play.
I can't accept being a perfectionist cos I felt being perfectionist is not gd; it's a nuisance to society. I can't accept my flaws; I'm upset and punish myself for giving harsh words and criticizing other people.. cos I feel that it's not good that I'm flawed that way and I have less friends and stuffs...
And today.. I realised that it is essentially.. my ego.
My ego, 'the concept of me'.
Coincidentally, I had this sudden idea of drawing a bonsai.. and that made me look into the culture and art of bonsai.. and found the following from a site -
Philosophy has been defined as (in part) “...a set of ideas or beliefs relating to a particular activity”. Bonsai having commenced in the Orient, has been strongly influenced by Eastern thought and religion and in particular Buddhism. Buddhism emphasizes “..repudiation of ego (self) and a search for enlightenment through meditation”.
Zen Buddhism regarded life “as a unity of which man, art and nature form harmonious parts. Through this understanding … we can know something of life's mystery, and see the eternal in even the smallest manifestation of nature (eg a bonsai tree)”.
The Zen masters were seeking, through meditation, “a kind of oneness with nature and with the universe”. The monastic life chosen by these early bonsai artists (and they at first were the only practitioners) who used bonsai, among other pursuits, as a discipline to aid enlightenment. Doing bonsai was used as a means to meditate.
I was telling him yesterday, 'Sighs, so much for all my yoga, meditation, Zen practice, and tao te ching.....'
On the bright side, it's really great to have come out from my workplace.. I wouldn't have discovered all these had I just kept myself caged up in there.
It's okay I can't accept myself now, as I now know what is it I want to change.. it's okay to have all those frustrations... cos they are feelings I am forced now to deal with, and it further shows me that I am on the right path. And all my 'meditation, yoga etc..' are good for me and I should continue doing them. I have to embrace all these new feelings, these conflicts, with an open mind and heart, and especially with gratitidue.
Namaste.
On the side note... I was in so much pain this week.. actually went for two sessions of tcm, to my mum's distaste... it was a lot to go through, quite an ordeal, all on my own, but this time I did not cry (ok I did a little at the back cos I was sad that it happened although I wanted to avoid it).
The physician told me that I am likely to have a slipped disc between l3 and l4. And that would explain my symptoms, and that also means I require long term care and assistance from the tcm.. which means a lot of money.....sighs.
But the good news from my yoga teacher is that it is more likely just a disc bulge (maybe I misinterpreted the tcm's chinese hehehhs) which should be reversible.
Though, he feels that I should stop my current lifestyle (Ie my echo) if it's the cause of it... which it is.
Sighs. But now that I am back in his regular class (just got back yesterday), he does a lot of shoulder, back and some core work...I hope I can slowly go back to 'fit' mode and that will help me manage the pain and hopefully correct my postures.
I'm glad eventually I decided to go back to his classes.. after almost a whole year of trying out other places. (Real yoga's antigravity class was horrendously terrible!)
Hope that I will keep improving and growing :D
♥reflected @ 5:09 PM
