Sunday, September 13, 2015 ♥
2 weeks into September.
I have started working in the private clinic as part time staff. The first few days were difficult... coping with my feelings mostly.. feeling like a failure especially.. and disarranged.. that everything was new, I'm starting from completely zero.. and questioning myself if I could manage everything, if I could do this kinda work.. if the contrasting values thing will be truly a challenge that I cannot overcome...
Slowly, I worked through all these emotions.. I have to thank my colleague and friend, who consistently encouraged me and pushed me so that I stop wallowing in my self pity and start moving my ass.
There was a period of time I was still struggling to really get over my unrequited love, even after the previous post which I mentioned 'I decided to let go'. It was difficult really. I was actually haunted with nightmares, of various different kinds of storylines... from his gf being pregnant to him hurting me.. etc...I know it's kinda extreme.. but I guess it really affected me quite a bit. Finally, the dreams have stopped. I think it means I have finally let go now.
Through the weeks since I left my previous job... I did meditation, yoga, and a lot of reading... some relief tutoring.. watched movies.. went for tcm to treat my back.. spent some time drawing.. a lot of time thinking...
Last night, I watched a movie, 'Theory of Everything'. It was a movie based on Stephen Hawking, an English theoretical physicist and cosmologist. He suffers from a rare early-onset slow-progressing form of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), also known as motor neurone disease or Lou Gehrig's disease, which gradually paralyses him over the decades. He was originally told that he would have only two more years to live when he was first diagnosed with the disease at 21 years old, but he has already lived to 73, and still living. Over the tears that I shed throughout the movie.. I was very much touched and inspired. There was one question a reporter asked him in the movie, which was how has he managed to survive, is there a certain kind of philosphy of life he lives by, since he doesn't believe in god? And this was his answer,
"There should be no boundaries to human endeavor. We are all different. However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. While there's life, there is hope."
I looked up the net for other quotes he have said -
"People won't have time for you if you are always angry or complaining."
"Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change."
Before that, I watched a Pixar animated film, 'Inside out', which I was waiting with much anticipation to watch, long before it was finally screened. From the trailers and movie posters, I think I went into the theatre with too high an expectation, but I am relieved to a certain extent, when my sister agreed with me that it was indeed not intense in certain parts, which could have been more elaborate, to further enhance and bring across the various messages that I thought I understood through the movie. However, my sister's discussion with her colleague, which she shared with me, helped me to accept the movie and its limitations, as well as parts that were well done. It also helped to bring relevancy to me when I compared it to my situation, and for me to understand a few things. Being happy seems to be an important and only possible way to be able to function in society and work, but it is undeniable and inevitable that each emotion has a role to play, and all these emotions combined, will result in actions and decisions made. One thing that I need to recognise, is that all of us have downtimes, and I need to accept that being sad is normal and ok... although one should not dwell in it too long.
With all these in me.. which I listened, digested and absorbed.. I decided to send him a message -
Just watched 'Theory of everything'.. which enabled me to realise something. The reason why I liked you.. was that I perceived you to have character like Stephen Hawking, of much resolve in life and always convinced that life is in your own hands. It was an aspect I found I was very much lacking in, especially when I was in my previous workplace and depressed, hence it was something I admired very much.
Having said that, I am glad to be able to finally acknowledge that what I was looking for is to be found in me, and not in you.
I am also now, truly happy for you, that you have found your one and as well as for her, to have found you. It is something worth much to rejoice in.
I am grateful that our paths have once crossed and there is much I have learnt in the process.
I tend to forget that everyone, not just me, is fighting their own battles, and that everyone can be spectacular, and so can I. But I will make a conscious effort to remember now.
"Veo al final de mi rudo camino, que yo fui el arquitecto de mi propio destino." :D
(A spanish quote which translates to 'I see at the end of my rough way, that I was the architect of my own destiny.')
With that, I think I have found closure. And as much as I will occasionally put in effort to let us remain as friends, I will respect and let it be.. if the effort is not returned or as much, and if we were to cease to be friends anymore.
I have also forgiven him and myself, as there was once I scolded myself for being silly, for liking someone who cared much less for me, for one person who wouldn't even put in effort to pronounce my chinese name.. He has done what in his perspective, what he wants to do, for a colleague or a friend. There is no one to be blamed.
"In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel. It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. This is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it." - Paulo Coehlo.
Even though, as I expected, I didn't get much of a reply to my lengthy message, I sent the message, not for him, but for myself.
It was a closure I seek for myself, and I have found it.
The spanish quote I included in the message, is from a spanish poem, which I shall include here in the post.
The english translation -
At Peace
by Amado Nervo
(Creator of himself, of his destiny.)
Very near my sunset, I bless you, Life
because you never gave me neither unfilled hope
nor unfair work, nor undeserved sorrow.
Because I see at the end of my rough way
that I was the architect of my own destiny
and if I extracted the sweetness or the bitterness of things
it was because I put the sweetness or the bitterness in them
when I planted rose bushes I always harvested roses
Certainly, winter is going to follow my youth
But you didn't tell me that May was eternal
I found without a doubt long my nights of pain
But you didn't promise me only good nights
And in exchange I had some peaceful ones
I loved, I was loved, the sun caressed my face
Life, you owe me nothing, Life, we are at peace!
Written on March 20, 1915.
The original Spanish poem -
En Paz
Artifex vitae artifex sui
Muy cerca de mi ocaso, yo te bendigo, Vida,
porque nunca me diste ni esperanza fallida,
ni trabajos injustos, ni pena inmerecida;
Porque veo al final de mi rudo camino
que yo fui el arquitecto de mi propio destino;
que si extraje la mieles o l hiel de las cosas,
fue porque en ellas puse hiel o mieles sabrosas:
cuando plante rosales coseche siempre rosas.
...Cierto, a mis lozanias va a seguir el invierno:
mas tu no me dijiste que mayo fuese eterno!
Halle sin duda largas las noches de mis penas;
mas no me prometiste tan solo noches buenas;
y en cambio tuve algunas santamente serenas...
Ame, fui amado, el sol acaricio mi faz
Vida, nanda me debes! !Vida, estamos en paz!
Escrto el 20 de marzo 1915.
At the same moment, I am grateful for the experience.. and grateful for the ones that have truly liked me, cared for me and I have rejected.. I am apologetic, but still it has to be.
I am ready to move on to the new experiences that life can be bring to me now.
Met up with one of my favourite doctors on friday. It was hard to find someone who shared the same values and thoughts as me; and he was one.
After the chat, I realised that we can be such amazing people. We are passionate people and we can be inspiring as well.
I hope to remain positive always, as much as I can.
In october, there will be an echo conference ASE asean in Bangkok... I do hope to go for it; it would help me get all the CME points I need for my accreditation.. I hope to be able to see what I can do to make it possible, albeit the bangkok bombings that happened quite recently.
♥reflected @ 5:13 PM
