Thursday, July 30, 2015 ♥
how time flies. how things change yet not seem to.
I've tendered my resignation on 1 July, after crying for days and nights about my job.. about my inability to let go despite all the pain I was suffering cos of my job, about my inability to make changes to my job.. inability to cope with the pain...
It was a very tough decision. It was also very tough to decide where to go from here. What's next???
Throughout this 1 year.. many things happened..
I have come to accept the fact that I have decided to leave my job.. and it was the best decision I could have made, for better of my health. No matter how hard I can try... many facts lie in front of me to tell me that I could no longer stay there anymore.
After two of my colleagues left (one to private, another to graduate studies), coupled with the 'breakup' of a friendship, I felt like I was deserted.. suddenly lost and alone.. I made the decision to sit for the certification examinations, and struggled to get all my papers through and so on, having had to deal with such matters for the first time ever (tho it was actually not smth major like buying a house lol). Someone just came in out of the blue... sharing my echo space etc... and unfortunately I fell for him. It became sorta like a retribution to me.. cos of my 'broken friendship' earlier, fate decided that I should have a taste of what it is like - unrequited love. It is quite a heart-aching feeling, I must say.. and because of it.. I unintentionally harmed my relationships with other people.
As old as I am... it is probably unfortunate to say that I have missed out quite some bit of stuffs in my life I guess.. And there's nothing I can do about the past anymore.
Yet, as old as I am, it is probably also unfortunate to say that I am still like a kid. Yes, I've quit my job.. and intending to set out new routes... yet.. I suck at interpersonal relationships, I get scared at talking to people.. my mum still calls me at 9pm and asks me to get home.....
Sighs.. as much as she keeps repeating that she wants to see us get married....
It doesn't seem possible.
And all the say of 'what you think, you become'... oh wells..
I think I just don't have brain space, heart space or life space for such things anymore for now....
I need to divert all my energy to moving on to the next steps of my life.
It is a lot of courage.. to move out from a familiar place.. and now I really need to stop sitting around, lingering behind... procrastinating.. and just move myself forward.
I just hope that things will work out, and everything will be better.
I've been attending a free meditation class offered every Monday, at a yoga studio. After this week's meditation, I approached the teacher and asked him for advice. I told him that I find it very difficult to move on.. and everyone's been telling me to stop looking back etc..
He gave me a lot of wise words, in a philosophical manner.. which he also did try to simplify to allow me to understand a few things. He explained the reasons as to why I find it hard to let go and move on - 'my attachment to these things that matter a lot to me' which is actually 'unreal'... and to 'move on', it is actually not too difficult... it is simple.. to work on on the 'now' instead; and not focusing on the past or worried about the future. He also explained that the importance about wisdom is questioning, and to gain wisdom, one has to follow the heart, and not the brain.
It was quite an amazing conversation... as he managed to bring across so many messages to me.
I hope the decisions I made/will make are sensible, correct(?) and worthwhile.
And to quote what my yoga teacher told me back then. 'Do your best, and let your best do the rest!'. I will keep trying my best.
♥reflected @ 2:26 PM
