Sunday, April 12, 2015 ♥
these two weeks have been a period of realization and learning about life and how ppl work kinda...
today, i went for acroyoga class on my own.. at the beginning, i was a little excited, thinking that i might get a fair chance to both base and fly today.. and was a little overexcited that i could be a strong base.. and then i realised i won't be able to fly much cos my partner can't exactly take my weight.. and i realise i can't take hers fully on my hands either.. and frustration started to come in... displeasure.. and i tried hard not to show.. but i think the vibes went off a little on their own.. i was a little frustrated.. cos the poses they taught needed a lot of arm strength.. and as a result we can't manage.. and no-one else can base me either, while i keep trying my best to base, but still couldn't take the weight on my hands.. and though i tried.. and they spot..but it was struggle.. and always kinda felt instructions weren't clear and i got lost and a little frustrated over why instructions and guidance couldn't be better.. and so that part of me.. the part which isn't really about me being impatient, but more of a certain part of me would just close up..once i sense a negative thought or displeasure.. or the reluctance to feel and put in effort sets in.. and i detach myself.. kinda drift on.. either stone.. look for safety in my phone or try to pretend it's cos i really much want to help take photos..altho i do want to help take photos.. and people do catch me drifting off and show disinterest.. like rena on friday.. when i drifted off and look at fb on my phone, while we were playing some ice-breaker like game.. and today.. when denjz realised i was just waiting at a corner watching...
then i thought of how come they couldn't organise the lessons in a more structured way.. give better instructions.. and not have total beginners popping in out of the blue.. and as a result... they get a little lost and we get a little lost too..cos they can't manage to spot us, guide us.. and then help the beginner out more.. and these negative thoughts come in.. and i start to feel frustrated that there isn't progress or nothing can be done kinda..
then suddenly this notion appeared.
like.. in the midst of my grouchiness.. the notion appeared. it appeared and the feeling was desettleing and uncomfortable till the extent that i wanted to run away from people and hide my feelings...
the notion was a realization of my nature of being demanding and having high expectations.. or expectations that things are given to me properly.. my intention to achieve things and reaching the end.. my stubborn kinda will to want to make things happen.. a sudden reminder of what denjz told me once..that learning of yoga and not only yoga.. can't be all given to you.. what's the fun anymore if everything was just told to you? some things you gotta experience and learn and discover on your own.. and ya.. the sudden realization of me always forgetting about the pathway to the end pt.. and only just thinking about the end.. my seriousness of just wanting to achieve things, get things done.. i forget all possible fun of discovery and experience. and as a result.. i actually tend to revolve around a longer path, hitting wrong notes.. walking into walls.. and eventually learn things in a hard way.
this notion.. appeared.
i think it was not only because of the acro lesson, that it appeared.
the week before.. a colleague yelled at me.. and told me to stop thinking that i am the only one suffering.. and other people have their own problems too. she was irritated that i keep complaining about how difficult my life is.. and subconsciously think that others have a better life than do.
and this wk.. there were times when my sis got annoyed with me.. and not only this wk perhaps.. she gets annoyed with me.. when i just exist in my little bubble and become insensitive.. no matter over dinner when i drift off... or when i drive and am not as alert and observant about the surroundings and other road users.
like how a fren also pointed out.. i just somehow kind lack this 'system tool' kinda in my hardware... somehow i just tend to switch off feelings about things other than about myself..
in actual fact, i kinda know.. sometimes i blame stuffs on it.. take it as an excuse kinda.. i do know i can actually try harder, i can actually put in more effort.. somehow because it requires more energy i just avoid.
and so.. on my way back.. cos i sorta grabbed my stuff and ran away.. to avoid having to speak others, not even wanting to ask if i could hitch a ride from a fellow classmate.. i was frustrated.. a little scared of the things i felt.. and wanted to avoid thinking about them or feeling them.. and just wanted to notions to go away..
but now.. i have to ask myself.. this happens all the time. are you going to just accept it as part of your nature? and just live like that? and keep feeling frustrated when things don't go the way you want? are you going to be insensitive to others (albeit the times i am oversensitive and get over emotionally affected about what other people say or think) and as a result continue to stay in your little bubble.. are you able to take all the problems on your own? can you really be independent, simply relying on your own? can you really do without people? can you deal with the loneliness?
life kinda means always trying to achieve a balance.
which is indeed hard.
after so many years of practising yoga.. i have learnt things about myself.. this being part of it..
initially i was upset and kinda depressed that i suck that way.. and became even more low-self esteemed.. and then i became a little of angry and annoyed - heck if this is the way i am then it is the way i am.. and then i struggled cos in the working environment.. u just can't be like tt.. and i got angry and sad.. and ya..
so again, after so many years, though i might have changed a little.. this part of me sticks around.. and so it's really up to me, i guess.. whether i want to keep putting the effort consistently.
I told a fren the week before, that i once admired her and was jealous of her ability to be 'well-known' at the workplace, with many frens and etc.. and i just couln't. i always thought that it was smth in-born.. and then i can never achieve.. but she told me.. it's trained too! and then i think that reminds me of how the society actually works - people carrying several masks along, in which different circumstances call for different witches. i told myself i didn't like tt.. why do i have to do that?
but now i do have to tell myself that that it is how the society works.. and to continue to have a rice bowl, in which the rice is not that hard to eat.. i do have to learn how to make some masks.. and wear them..
i do wish to remind myself also.. that i have to keep trying to see the fun in things, the more positive sides of things.. keep trying to tell myself to learn to experience the journeys and keep smiling.
there are people who popped out tho.. i think when i kinda slightly changed my perspective this week.. these people kinda appear more as well - people who appreciate me for who i am.. people who told me to keep up the good work, keep up my smile and my golden heart :)
i hope to keep trying.. and become a better and stronger person, both physically and mentally.
i will also try to keep my mind open.. and heart strong to learn new things.. and try to make experiences more.
i am thankful too.. to those who care for me, and those who continue to see good in me.
~namaste~
♥reflected @ 11:59 PM
