Saturday, March 21, 2015 ♥
these few weeks have been tough. both physically and mentally. and many incidents challenged me. and made me think about life.
one patient asked me.. if heart rate will increase when we get anxious.. i answered yes.. and he asked me if it's ok to be anxious, if i ever felt anxious. i told him, yes i have. I have had moments of anxiousness, being very worried.. hyperventilate... and I think it's normal.. and it's nothing wrong with me. it's human. I'd like to think that i'm simply more human.
a patient passed away last week.. she was really sick, but she was young too, and left behind very young kids. i was sad.. the fragility of life.. sighs.
many moments during this week.. i pondered very much about my job.. about if that was indeed all that my life will be - my job, my sis and my mum. and as much as i complained about my job.. so many ppl being tired of hearing about my whinings abt my problems at work, be it the work itself, the ppl at work, or how it is very much affecting my life... i am still stuck at my workplace. as much as i told people that i am going to leave.. i still haven't left.
my yoga teacher shared with me. if i have no idea what i want, no idea what i want to be... then may this be a guide - 'if one day, when you are supposed to introduce yourself to others, what would you want to be written on that name card?'
i spent much thought about it.
i do realise that i am proud of myself being able to do my job well.. and am a very qualified as well as now, certified cardiac sonographer. and i can teach my trade well too.
but am i also proud to say that i have terrible back problems because of my job?
I would probably be more proud to say I have gotten over them and have no more problems. And I have been trying to deal with them.. for years already. I have gotten all sorts of treatment. Acupuncture, massage, tuina, ba guan, chinese medicine, xrays, mris, physiotherapy, medication, medical plasters...
I haven't been completely well rid of them.
I try very much to stay healthy, keep positive, and actively tackle the back problem by targetted exercises, stretching and strengthening..
But there are always these moments when it gets so bad.. i can hardly walk, breathe, work without pain. and that's when i head for emergency treatment.. i cry a lot, get depressed and frustrated and go through this viscous cycle of 'i need to quit my job, it's killing me. i need to quit my job.. and yet somehow i can't quit' and yup.
And very much now, that I feel that I am tackling all these on my very own. No more friends at my workplace... friends as in friends who really understand, care and feel for me.. who are willing to spare their time with me and for me. No more. Doesn't help esp when the seniors now somehow kinda always look like carnivores to me.. waiting to chomp on me whenever there's a chance to.
And they told me.. that I am the one who lacks team work, who feels victimized.. but i am indeed alone and maybe ostracised.. and it's not about fitting in or not anymore.. for it's truth now that i do not fit in and there's kinda no point trying to.
which reminds me of the times i have tried to ask ppl out.. and ppl can't make it.. or ppl don't ask me out.. or i dun get invited to the weddings i hoped to be invited to... or the unrequited love i'm in the midst of trying to clear out of my system.
我干嘛呀？干嘛一直把自己的热脸往别人的冷屁股贴？难道你没有自尊心了·?
why the hell am i getting myself into this kinda situations? why the hell am i getting sad when other people are happy, and don't even care shit about me? why am i hurting when all these people are totally not affected? why the hell am i so silly for?
and there and then i rmbr... it is me who do not have friends and life outside.. it is me who do not have anything much outside my work.. no plans.. i forget that other people have other frens..other people have plans. and i'm just not part of their plans.
and there people tell me.. stop cooping yourself up, stop staying in your castle.. go out and get a life, see.. the world is great and much bigger out there.
easy said.
like i told someone that day. do you know how a luxury it is? to have your own room? to have your own bed? your own space?
that being a luxury already to me and my sis... what else can there be?
so i told myself.. countlessly.. that i have to let all these people go... in my heart.. cos none of them is actually there. i am hurting. unnecessarily on my own. these pple i treasure more than they treasure me.
i was bawling my eyes out.. watching this episode of Grey's Anatomy today, in which meredith gave up trying to survive when she fell into the water and nearly died. it felt so close to heart, cos it's so tough.. to keep fighting.. to keep going.. it seems so much easier to give up trying.. and often especially at my workplace... it really is so.. and nobody cares if you quit or not. when your work gets totally disregarded.. the hard work you do is looked down upon and worse seen as a threat. so why do i stay in this shithole? i dun really know.. if i try to be realistic and rational about it, yes i can probably draw a table out of pros and cos (not like i haven't tried)... but now.. i just feel lost... drowning.
more than half a year ago.. i thought my shining star came.. and it turns out to be kind of a joke.
when i received that tablet i thought was good and was trying to accept the fact tt i have a gift of a tablet.. now i understand why some ppl sniggered and showed disapproval when now i truly realise.. it was simply out of convenience.
and no matter how i try to tell myself it is okay.. but it does make me feel kinda like a trashcan. and it reminded me of the friends i had several years back when i was in school... whom i thought were very close and dear to me.. and they have all left me..
and it also reminded me of how my colleagues and the drs see me as simply a useful tool. somebody who can help that get their way.. bring them advantage.. not a friend, not even a human.. just a tool, a passageway.
is that how it is supposed to be? is that how work life is? is that what human is?
and they say that whoever you think you are.. you will be.
i try very much now.. to learn to be self sufficient, self reliant, independent... it gets tough.. lonely.. challenging sad...
i do tell myself as often as i can now, that nobody needs to hear my sob stories.. nobody needs me to disturb their happy lives or add to their worries with mine... it's difficult.. but i guess... it's not much of a choice.. sad it is.. but sometimes, you know the only people who will really miss you when you disappear are the ones who truly love you. while for others.. they may not even notice.. or simply just move on very easily.
i asked myself. why am i so emotional? why am i such a soft weakling and crying baby? why do i let feelings control me? why can't i be less sad/ or even happy at the slightest things? and so i tried to convert myself into an echo machine.. and it works sometimes.. sometimes it doesn't...
sighs.
before all my life seems to be just sad only and grumpy.. let me share one of the happy things i accomplished.
yesterday was my last aerial antigravity hammock class! a little sad that i can't actually share with much people or let any word of it go into any colleague's ears.. like that girl who sad 'your back pain you can still do yoga?' i was like.... that is so... but anyway my reply was 'i realised that inactivity only makes the pain worse'... but i guess those who needs to know/cares to know alr know..
it was a truly enjoyable experience.. even though the first few weeks i was plagued with upper back strain and nausea.. but i'm proud and glad to have stayed through and turned out to be one of the best students.
my saturday's yoga class with my yoga teacher came to end (sorta) today.. cos he's shifting all classes to je.. and i decided not to continue with a class on saturday in exchange for acro on sunday.. as i knew that i definitely need breaks in between lessons.. currently his classes at je are pretty booked.. so i'm considering signing up for some classes at the studio where i did my hammock class.
even though nowadays i try as much as i can to do yoga on my own after work.. i think yoga with my yoga teacher is good to continue..
i hope that I'll be able to keep the pain away from me.. and that i will stay strong.
♥reflected @ 11:54 PM
