Sunday, February 01, 2015 ♥
The last day of January, first month of 2015.
The first month of 2015, and it was already rather eventful.
The first week I was settling back into the high workload at my workplace.. and then I squeezed in 3 Antigravity (hammock yoga) classes all into that one week.. intending to start a 6 week course at upside motion doing the antigravity course. That was really kinda tough; by the end of the three lessons I knew I couldn't take the course yet. And it took me a whole week to recover fully from it. The classes were different from one another though, even though they were all taught by the same instructor. I didn't enjoy the first lesson very much, it was a power stretch class.. and I found the fake kinda accent from the instructor a little weird.. And the stretches were ok.. The first times inverted on a hammock were kinda fun, a little uneasy.. and uncomfortable.. feet turning numb.. face flushing.. Unsure and reserved. The second class was introductory class.. which was more easy.. and fun. I remember feeling refreshed, happy, and comforted. The third class on the other hand, was tough. It required more strength and it was really challenging.
Eventually.. I couldn't take up the course, cos it's held at 8.30pm in orchard, which means I get home really kinda late. And as a result, I got myself in a little confused state.. wondering what I should do. And then there was the other option, which was Eunice's class at Mpds. Which I am a little hesitant to join, for quite a no. of reasons.
And there was this week I got a little messed up and stressed.. with work and quotas.. Out of the blue.. many ppl wanted to follow me for echo.. and I didn't know to feel honoured or flattered.. and then it felt as if some people was just trying to use me.. or get stuffs from me. And it felt tough cos I seemed to be constantly giving away parts of me.. and it's really tiring.. and for all that I get nothing in return.. only worry, stress, gossips and lousy politics.. and all that just caused me to break down during lunch on a friday.. and got caught by one of the drs.. who very kindly took me across the street and hear my sob stories..
And a week I got even more messed up.. got myself in shit politics when I couldn't take it anymore... when I didn't thread my words carefully.. and yep. And through tt week I felt so super shitty.. and I told myself it's definitely the last straw.
And this week.. I was struggling to keep myself professional and work well.. plus I didn't really have a choice cos work was really tough with a week packed up with really tough cases.. they were enough to just drain me completely.
Yet through all these.. somehow I still managed to pull myself together and do things for other people. I sorta organised outings for one of my colleagues, to get her to go out more and stuff. I sorta intro-ed her to this guy from the other lab whom I just sorta knew by chance.. we went o gardens by the bay..
This month.. was filled with confusion, struggles, hesitation, worry and stress.
My yoga teacher told me this. What do you want? What do you wish to be known as which you would be proud of? He asked, 'If people were to ask you for your namecard, what would you want to be written on it?'
Work politics, human relations, my attitude, stress etc... Judgements.. Biasedness.. Injustice etc..
Throughout all these stuffs.. I became depressed, emotional, and I lost confidence etc...And felt even more lost than ever..
I hope that I find resolve and clarity, to accomplish things that I am meant to do.
Finally, the kinda messy stuffs w tt senior have sorta come to an end, a closure. Yet I am still struggling.. that after so long, I have yet to clear out this other person from my system.
Life still goes on.. it does. and Time just flies, even if you'res standing still.
I really hope that light will seek me out, as I try to seek it.
February now. All the best.
♥reflected @ 12:57 AM
