Sunday, December 28, 2014 ♥
It's nearing the end of 2014.. this year, many moments of time I broke down.. seemed to have been crying quite many times.
The one incident that remains etched in my mind, the time when I cried so much as if my heart was broken.. was when I told the person that I would like to be just friends and nothing more, and he ignored me for a week and I felt very sorry to hurt another person. On the same day, machines were spoilt, and some people showed me their real true nasty faces, all for the one purpose - to clock the cases. This made me cry as I started to question myself why I chose to stay in this 'heartless' place, where it is all about quota, speed and how many cases you can do, against the other place which seemed to 'want' me more... (which eventually I realised that as long as it's about work, and you're working in a business/enterprise, you're just a tool for making money. and how much you can do will determine your efficiency. how much you know or how well you can do it doesn't matter.).
Another incident that made me cry, was when I was running with two friends to the Henderson's waves.. I felt kinda miserable, thinking of all the people leaving my workplace, leaving me behind, all alone. And for that, I cried quite a number of times, feeling scared and miserable on my own. =X
Twice I cried in my little echo rm, with my new found friend patting my back.. Cos I felt so sad, wallowing in my self-pity, asking myself why the heck I work so hard for all the time, and never got appreciated.
Another time was when I rushed to register for my certification exams, and overlooked (me being careless all the time) the details (to send my university degree to US for a conversion to US equivalent). This meant that I would not be able to reach the deadline in time.. and I was so upset with myself for being careless, anxious and worried as to what will happen when I missed the deadline. I was so distraught, I scalded my hand with hot water... walked around in malls.. tearing and lost. It was so much a relief for me when I managed to ask for an extension, and got all the stuffs to US in time, though I spent a lot of money on speedpost.
I cried for days.. when I found out that my patient passed away. For it wasn't found out in time (even though if it were found out, she might still not have made it), that she had a certain condition. I cried even more when my boss passed absent remarks and some stuffs she said seemed judgemental and offensive. Felt really like crap for days.
Another time, I stood quietly at the Henderson waves on my own. Tearing a bit, feeling scared and worried for my exams.. wondering how I was to survive all my life alone now.. after all the people I am close with have moved on to next phases of their life.. wondering if I am going to be alone all the time.. wondering why I am always alone.. wondering why I'm still single... and then tried to convince myself that it's okay to be single, I will be strong alone, and I will be good alone and stuff. It felt good that day, after the run.. that finally I was confronting my fears, and I am overcoming them.
Many times this month.. I cried.. out of anxiety. I took 2.5 weeks off just to study and sit for my exams. I wanted so much to not only pass, but also do well for the exams. And I studied so hard, put in so much effort and kept reading etc.. Yet kept feeling that it wasn't enough, there was just so much.. So I broke down on the days before the exams. It was so much a relief when I got through them and passed the exams.
Other than these things that happened... before it starts to appear that my 2014 has been a real depressing year.. there have been some good things that happened too.
Quite a number of events happened this year.
Going to sentosa with huishan and hazel just to slack.. DnD 2014 at resorts world.. we booked a real, nice and big room at one of the hotels, where I did make up for all of us. My brother's wedding.. my sis and I booked a hotel room (and we had a free upgrade to suite), and I did make up for all of us too... and we managed to get dresses for my mum and me.. Jingyang's wedding, where Sis and I cried too.. we were very happy to see her get married... Yi Lei's baby's first month..
Other than that, I made a new friend. And that I have gg to thank, and I really appreciate her for recognising my capabilities. He came from somewhere faraway, and joined me to learn echo. I had much difficulty trying to get through him.. I call him the 'brickwall bubble' now.. cos I just can't seem to know what he's really thinking.. and I just give up trying now.. It's too painful to keep trying, and it's ridiculous to keep guessing, and leads me to overthinking sometimes too. He was good company at work, doing echoes in the sometimes suffocating echo room.. he brought me out to go to places for lunch (after working for so many years.. the only places I had lunch were within the campus), accompanied me for my MRI.. went for waffle.. brought him to eat lousy food all the time :S, ran to Henderson waves once, ran all the way to cityhall/esplanade/mbs and back... I met his mum.. who came from that faraway land to see him.. we went cycling together... I waited hours for him to end work so that we could have dinner supposedly to celebrate my birthday...he took the initiative to call me after my last exam to congratulate and ask if i had any plans to celebrate it.. and joined us for dinner... he gave me a really cute tshirt.. which contained a tablet wrapped within for Christmas O.o....
It was sorta a tough struggle for me.. at first trying not to be distracted by his watery bright puppy-like eyes or his really small waist... then trying not to let my heart pump faster or be too touched when he did small nice gestures.. trying not to be upset or feel less pain in my heart when he just kinda 'ditches' me sometimes...basically fighting against falling for him.. and then recognising the 'brother-sister' safer kinda relationship we will maintain.. and then struggling to not feel anything more...and draw the safety lines.. and build my own little brickwalls.. and learn to stand back independent and strengthen myself.
At the same time, with all that emotional rollercoaster.. i was also trying to feel less frustrated and sorry and be more neutral to the other guy whom I rejected his advances like twice already... and be firm with my stand every time he attempts to take a closer step, so that we have to avoid a third rejection... sighs.
But the tablet thing is really kinda shocking and till now.. I'm not entirely sure of how to deal with it.. he insists he has entirely no other intentions.. (which yea.. hurt a little when I know that).. which is still kinda weird cos who gives tablets away for Christmas? and such a good tablet..? =S and I sincerely do hope that I don't overthink it.. but if he did really lie of the origins of the tablet or his 'no other intentions'... that is so like... irritating? cos i don't think any kinda of reason is good enough excuse for such behaviour. but i wouldn't exactly know for sure, cos he hides behind his safety brickwall... I don't know what's he thinking or feeling... the other dr says maybe there's purely nothing there - which is not unlikely... -.-|||.
This other dr was also an awesome person. Out of all the drs who followed me this year to learn echo.. he was the first person who made me think that we could learn at the same time.. there were more things I can learn, and he's here not just to make use of me (like how some other doctors make me feel). He filled my thumbdrive with many amazing reading material for echo.
Gabriel gave me an amazing birthday present as well.. filled a HDD with a lot of stuffs.. reminded me of another guy who did almost the same thing for me several years back, but was in a form of CDs.. who sorta gave me a heartbreak, when he went into army and we sorta lost touch... I later found out he has a gf (now fiancée), probably the reason why he stopped talking to me.. One of the number of good guy friends whom I had who all stopped talking to me cos they had girlfrens... which make me a bit contemplative when I make new guy friends now.. tho a little helpless.. I just have to wish them all the best when they sorta 'ditch' me for their girl frens.. which is no choice la.. altho I am a good fren.. I'm still a girl any way.. and it's better to stop talking as much to your girl frens when you have a gf.. I can understand that.. so ... although it's always a little sad for me, and heart pain all the time when another guy does that.. I learn to move on with my own life as well.. sucky but still. Not only guys do tt.. some girl frens do that too.
That's why I learn that I need to strengthen myself more, be independent etc. But I am fortunate.. as I have a twin.. I know that I will always have someone covering my back - my sis.
I am very grateful for her, for without her assurance, encouragement and support.. I wouldn't have been able to do so well for my exams.
I started studying right after my exams were confirmed and I set my exam dates; but I began studied more conscientiously starting October. I got myself into steady rhythm. Not only that, I managed to ensure at least 3 days of gym, 1 day of yoga and 1 day of acroyoga a week.. so that was 5 times of exercise a week. All that got me physically and mentally much stronger. Without my sis, I wouldn't have been able to do that.
During my 2.5 weeks of break in December... I studied very hard; extremely hard. It was a good opportunity for me as well, to cultivate my strength and to thrive in my solitude. To groom myself to be stronger and stand against storms at my work. Although I broke down studying, as I was so anxious and desperate to do well.. I was so much relieved and happy when I passed. That is one of the greatest achievement I made this year.
I started to do a new 'training' with sis also.. acroyoga.. which is real awesome, and I'm so lucky, cos I have my sis to do it together.
With all that.. it seems like a good closure to this year, 2014. I hope next year, I will have better and new accomplishments... and more, better things happen. I plan to try out hammock yoga.. I'm looking out and forward for it. I think I am also more or less decided with continuing with learning pace next year.. I intend to start preparing myself and study for it.
Ganbatte!!!!!
♥reflected @ 12:28 PM
