This year was kinda messy. And the time really flew pass me so quick I keep losing my directions.

The next day one of them decided to give me a birthday treat.. so I went to wait for him to knock off so that we could have dinner... and I had a mild diarrhea before that cos I ate one of the cakes we bought which were kept for too long.. and was falling ill with sore throat.. sighs.. and I didn't bring my books to study... so I waited around doing nothing much... watched some random stuffs.. read up some random info.. looked at some of the old studies i did... for 3 hours. waited for 3 hours, for him to tell me that he's full and not keen to eat. Like ah? Then I'm supposed to decide where and what to eat.. so I decided to make it cheap and simple, so we went to chinatown food centre for cheap xiaolongbao and stuffs. and he ordered quite a lot.. and I was like shit.. I'm feeling sick already and he told me (almost retorted at me) to eat the guo tie. and I was like wth you yelling at me and he was like I told you I was full already and you had to eat it.. I was real upset and literally forcing those food down my throat. like wth and why the hell am I putting myself through this seriously??? and then he shared parts of his life with me and so on for some time... and yup. that's how it went. seriously. I told myself before, that I don't want myself to be treated like a rubbish bin. And at that moment, I asked myself.. am I feeling like that again?

Sighs. So anyways, neither of these guys will be Mr Right, cos in both situations, only one hand is clapping i guess. 

I am rather okay with staying single cos all this emotional crap is unnecessary and unhelpful to my studies and work. Although it really is sucky sometimes when I struggle on my own to make things work and or get over (or seek consolation) when I'm bullied at work or things get tough at home...especially now that I seem to be really alone at work, with my frens who know me best leaving my workplace for greener pastures. My used to be closer friends from school previously have also moved on with their own lives and they don't need to hear my sad stories..Plus my impending exams and daily work stress from workload and mainly people...together with my forever there family problems, it's so much a struggle.. sometimes and many times I feel like I'm falling apart... and struggling to hold on..

Unfortunately or fortunately.. Life still has to go on..

So.. yup. 

I got to deal with all these on my own.

This week things got harder with my mum's eye operation. Sis and I had to take care of her.. and we tried to do things the way she wanted.. but it's really tough.. it's trying fit into her lifestyle and we all know that we have our own way of life too. sighs.. anyways, my sis did mainly the cooking, while I did mostly the administrative work, medications and wound caring.. washing etc.. It's tiring. Sighs. Admist all the stress from my mum.. and my own stress from inability to study and understand the stuffs... I was losing my patience and control.

While tackling these, I'm also working on deleting him out of my system, installing firewalls and building up gates to protect my little self getting hurt anymore. Essentially I know that it's entirely my own problem since he doesn't care much about me at all (so much for the gay bff and little sister crap). I wondered if it's my retribution also, for giving the other guy false hopes previously (altho I really thought it was unintentional). Sighs.

But having said all these.. because I know that those stuffs are not beneficial to me.. I will prioritize my time properly next week and the following weeks to concentrate entirely on my studies and preparations for exams.

I do also know that all the emotion stuff cannot 'dang fan chi' (cannot provide me a livelihood), yet there's no point putting all my energy into my job and my parents (who both reflect mostly negative feelings back to me. So I am looking forward to making some changes next year.. I do have some intentions and ideas going on in my brain.. I hope I can make some accomplisments next year.. and devote more time to developing myself.

Right now, the only thing I can do is focus on my studies and get through the exams. 1000+ bucks for the exam fees leh! no kidding! plus all the stress, hassle and worry I got from trying to get the official papers and getting them sent back and fro US... and first time managing these stuffs that seem foreign to me.. I really need to pass those examinations. not only for the money, but also for myself, as well as those pple at my workplace watching me closely.

So yep, it's nothing but studies now.

Ganbatte! Must study hard!!!

Admist all these, I must remain grateful and thankful though.. for those who still are around me.. my sis and some of my friends who still stick around sometimes. I am grateful still also, that these two guys came into my little life and made ripples. 

It's all part of life and growing up.

I hope I don't grow old too fast though.. and that I can manage to do more stuffs and make life better..

sighs. 

♥reflected @ 1:48 AM