This week.. Is a really challenging week.. It's a constant struggle.. Between trying to be independent aka anti social and still be social aka dependent.. I know that it's me.. It's either this way or that.. Always hard for me to find the balance.. Find the grey area.. Till the extent that I feel so suffocated, so upset, so challenged.. Doubtful.. Etc...
I told myself I need to get myself ready.. Start going solo, stop depending on others, so that when all these people leave me.. I'll be able to handle them. Yet as I struggle very much, people are already leaving as I try to be independent. And it's hard to handle it.. As all the people move on with their lives, I seem to be forever helplessly stuck in the same spot. After my boss dropped the 'bomb', k maybe I already guessed it before.. But to hear it really, it's a diff thing to handle. Not only did she tell me she won't be able to start me on my next step.. She also commented about my character..
It's really sad.. Really sad.. Cos it's no longer frustrating? It's just so sad.. And what makes it sadder is that people whom I tell to either don't wish to hear ny problems, or can't help, or think I should just do smth proactively about it, instead of constantly complaining about it..
Its sad cos it's not as i'd I don't know all these truth they're telling me.. Its not as if I don't know they're all my own problems to handle..its just so tough..
I dunno what to do seriously.. I know what I have to do now is just study... Dun think so much yet.. But the physical pain is just.. There. No matter what I do, it's there. I keep trying to cope.. Do my physio, take medications, do strengthening exercises.. Not do exercises... Some stuffs help etc.. The pain is just there. It's so hard to 'cope' with it.. But if I decide to quit.. Then.. What am doing? Spending 1+ k to sit for an exam for it? But if I quit? What am I going to do?
Nobody has the answer for me I know.. But I really don't have a freaking idea. I know I'm old enough, I need to make my freaking own decisions and make my own life etc?
I suck. I know. Totally..
And I go on trying that 'be my own light'.. Self encourage.. Post quotes etc.. I suck. Cos I fail totally.
It's ok.. I keep telling myself..
Yet.. I do have to survive all these on my own.. Cos no one cares if you live or you die really.. You just have to make it on your own..
Some people tell me.. You know you just got to find smth to do outside.. It's not like I haven't tried?
Sighs... It just seems that I'll continuously repeat this same vicious cycle.. It's no wonder my Yoga teacher would be fed up with me..
Sighs...
I really do wonder why other people are so happy and what's damn wrong w me? Is it probably genetic? Environmental factors? :X
I see where I am heading I know.. The deep dark hole, and I'm struggling to not fall further, trying to climb out every day..
I can only pray I see the light some day and survive to see it..