Saturday, September 13, 2014 ♥
Didn't manage a post in August.
Many ripples happened in August. The term 'ripples' I quote from the movie "The Adjustment Bureau". Kinda like 'movements' in life?
The first incident I remember of August is that I got my right ear blocked to the extent that I couldn't hear a thing at the right ear. This happened to me before many years ago. It's really nasty. At first I tried to bear with it.. but it got a little painful.. I had to get all that ear wax out. Went to see a doctor and was actually given 2 days MC. He said it was ear inflammation..? O.o
1 August 2014, was a Friday. The day I took my MC to get my ear treated and went to NUS to get my transcript. It was also the first day of posting for this foreign dr to echo lab, whom I was in charge of, for his months in echo.
Part of me wants to go find out who made the decisions and why they chose me to orientate him? Part of me just wants to heck care and do my own stuffs and don't talk too much, cos most likely I'll blabber nonsense stuffs again.
There was one week in July, I thought I went through some really dark times. With that rejection from me, my senior friend took it quite badly... And I was upset as well, as I don't intend for things to turn sour. I guess, like my sis says, I'm not good at drawing lines as well as I thought. Sighs. During that week, besides suffering from heartache from the possibility of losing a friend, seeing Rena leaving, and realizing how hideous and realistic people can be... my back pain seemed to double and I was really deep in the dark hole..
Then this new week in August, someone came from some place really far away which I haven't even heard of previously, to learn echo from me. I still remember how we 'met' for the first time. I was literally behind a curtain, lol, doing echo. And I was a little dismayed at people coming in late, and not being able to exchange formal greetings (did I do that even at all, can't rmbr?). I had the music from 'My Fair Lady' playing in the background, and he knocked on the door and just came in. I told him I am finishing this case and have a seat... and he just sat and then started singing to the music. Part of me was like O.o WHAT?! I was like ahhh..? Slightly alarmed at how 'relaxed' this person is, and 'easy' he is to just sing according to it like that at a workplace, with some strangers ard! Part of me was a little awed, first, for him knowing the lyrics of a classic show like that, second for him to be so at ease with himself.
Through the week, I recalled someone asking him why he doesn't button up his shirt fully and stuffs, and there seemed to be some kinda hostility against him from some people. I was being very tough, exerting a lot of stress and being very demanding, and he simply seemed to just take all of that very easily. And then there were these moments that I felt very hard to 'reach' him? That there seemed to be this huge wall built around his brain and no matter what I said or taught him.. it just doesn't get to him.. I was frustrated, struggling very much, wondering what is wrong, wondering how to work around it, wondering how to teach. And there were these times, when I had many doubts about him, confused with what I see of him, what I've heard of him, and what I feel he is. For he seems to have a laidback attitude, yet he seems to 'want to do stuffs', he seems like a slacker, yet he seems to know stuffs. Yup I was doubting him and wondering what I could do. I was doubting myself too.. Thinking that I'm not competent enough to teach as well.
But I am still proud to say that through the month of August, I made good effort and I made changes. From the hostilities, I managed to make people open up their minds and changed perceptions.. From throwing a shoe at him to sitting at the same small table having lunch..
I've put in lots of effort to pave the way for my 'trainee', as well as trying my best to show him the way to more knowledge and information, to people with the supply, tho I might be limited on my own.
But one thing I found out, after putting so much effort, was that I realised I don't really wish to keep doing all these for others. Yes, I like to share what I know with people, I like to see people under me getting there and making it.. but I don't feel that I can be that 伟大 to do so much for every one.. I'm not as 伟大 as Mu Zheng and Ah le qiu in 木府风云... I wish more to be able to do stuffs on my own, to achieve things.. I wish more to be able to take care of myself more..
Many episodes these few weeks awed me, amazed me. A senior consultant letting his son cut his hair which turned out to be quite a horrifying disaster to me, and then later allowed me cut his hair and make it look so much better.. Then spending more than hour to chat with us about his ideals, spending more than hour explaining to us a very simple theory.
And there were instances where I thought I was going to drop into the thing called love web.. and there were instances I caught myself and attempt to pull myself back.. and there were instances i felt he kept dropping hints to warn me against thinking anything more than friends.. lol
It's actually quite funny really.. There is this guy who likes me more than I like him, and now there's this guy whom I likes more than he likes me. How funny life makes us.
I forsee that period of time when my life will turn dark again, as another one of my best friends at my work place takes her npl in nov, and this guy who has become a friend sharing my 'echo space' and cheering up the gloom a bit, moves on with his life and rotating out of echo. But one thing I know is... Time will heal me.
Yes, I have had many people coming in and out of my life.. Staying long enough to take part of my heart away.. then leave and never come back.. It hurts all the time.. all these people..
But. Life goes on. Time continues to pass. I will walk on.
Last night, me and sis had our sis night out. And we watched this taiwan movie "等 一个人咖啡".
It exceeded my expectations, it was really good; it made me laugh and cry.
Perhaps, everyone is waiting for that one person?
There was one time.. I thought that my life was just waiting for death to come.. That life is nothing much actually.. I teared a bit when I said that? To most people, they would think I'm depressed?
Oh wells, I would like to think it this way - Who was never depressed before? And really, life is about living and dying, ain't it..?
We just keep struggling to try to make more out of what we're living constantly. Hmms.
Anyways..After so many weeks, months actually.. of struggling.. I've finally registered for the exams successfully...so I really should get down properly and start studying hard. So yup.. should really do it.. hmms.. Ganbatte!
I have more stuffs to write about.. about Acroyoga lessons..about thinking of taking some aerial stuffs..
but gotta go meet my sis and accompany her for dinner.. till next time then!
♥reflected @ 9:16 PM
