Sunday, June 08, 2014 ♥
Been a long time since I lasted posted...
Many things happened.. and are going to happen..
The time when I was down with stomach flu.. which was really horrible... and escalated my physical pains.. I told myself - it's time to go.
And so I did, with the support from friends and colleagues, apply for jobs.
And I went for one interview, which was followed by a halfday job attachment.. and I got the job offer successfully.
Which I turned down..
It was a struggle along the way.. a lot of thinking.. and in the end.. it was the prayers that helped me make my final decision.
Even after I managed to come to my final decision, it's still tough.. especially when my physical pains come to haunt.. and make every day difficult to handle, to wake up to and to last.. not only that, it makes me difficult to smile, difficult to be optimistic, and difficult to handle people and issues.
It is tiring... and those moments, I keep asking myself, 'why the heck am I still doing here? why the heck am I still staying in torturous place?' and here I am to write the reasons I chose to stay..
Firstly, I've learnt a skill that I won't be able to let go that easily, and the best place to perform this skill and improve this skill, seems to be the current place I'm at. The cases.. the intellect.. the technology... the expertise.. it's all here
Secondly, the job offer that was given to me - yes, it would have lower workload, it might have a more cosy work environment, but I will have less choice options.. I have to do everything - which include stuffs that expose me to more threats to my health... than what I already face. At least now I still have the freedom to choose.. no doubt 'freedom' is not much.. due to the high demand for echo.. I'm more or less just stuck in echo.. which sometimes may get really awful.. because of the physical toil.. altho sometimes I get a little 'protected' from stuffs I don't like to deal with - such as people and extra work, cos I'm more or less hidden in my little room.. It may be a little unhealthy too.. cos I might become a little more unsociable and stuff... but at least I will get into less trouble cos I don't really know how to speak to people or deal with them.. actually I do.. but sometimes, when the tough me comes out... it's really hard for me to watch myself..
Thirdly, I'm recognised for my ability at my current workplace, though not all.. but a few do know and trust that I know my stuffs, and appreciate me for my work. It's not an expectation from them.. it's just a bonus and yep.. i shouldn't let that build my ego and make me arrogant.. cos we all know where that ends..
Fourthly, there are people I like to work with.. mostly some doctors.. Although there are people I dislike.. but we can't have everything in the world go the we want right.. and learning how to be 'human' and work with every kind of people.. is life..
It's a big decision actually.. to stay..
One of the doctors told me.. that there'll be problems everywhere.. in every workplace.. it depends on how you work with them..
And my colleague told me.. you can either change the environment or change yourself.. and I had this struggle with myself.. if I change.. it's not going to be anymore.. that kinda stuff? I had this struggle with letting go of my principles..
There was once, I had a fiery and loud argument with one of the doctors.. about my work.. which I took pride in.. and I couldn't work with his indecisiveness.. which got myself into trouble.. and with tongues wagging.. especially from this one person.. I became painted as a troublemaker, and a rash, loud and disrespectful youngster.. What it seemed like personal was blown up.. and together with a few other incidents.. yup.. I was labeled as a insolent and rash worker who can't work well with others..
Today.. I've learnt to let go many things.. the principles I held onto.. my pride...and I've learnt to accept some stuffs.. such as 'I am just another med tech', 'my echo is just another echo'... so that I will feel less.. when people criticise my work or insult me.. I also feel less when ppl do not do work the way I expect to be done.. I may grumble a little.. but I'm less heated..and persistent on issues..
But one thing I will be clear about is that.. even so.. I must make sure my job is well done.. No matter how others do theirs.. or whatever shit people do to me.. my job has to be done well by me.. To a certain extent.. now.. that I also know that I can't give 100% to every thing, cos I'm human and I'm limited.. and I'm not superman. :)
I'm still struggling though.. struggling to deal with the physical pain.. It's really not easy.. cos it brings about emotional stress and mental challenge. There was this morning, I accidentally half dislocated my right shoulder joint.. which caused me a lot of pain.. but I managed to click it back into place.. which still gave me a bit of mental scare..
Like I told one of the doctors.. I've spent hundred of dollars on my back.. massage therapy.. acupuncture.. cupping.. medicines.. orthopedics.. I've tried a lot of stuffs..
One thing I do know is that I really need to keep physically active. It really helps to be more physically active.. it helps me to deal with all these, and sometimes work with the pain a little better.. So I'm going to stick to my yoga.. and try to do more.
I'm still thinking about the yoga teaching cert thing.. if I really want to do it.. some of my colleagues and my yoga frens encourage me to do it.. but with my physical condition.. I'm a little apprehensive.
I need to correct my lifestyle and face my issues head on, and with positivity.
I wish to have the strength, perseverance and patience to become a better and stronger me.
A few things coming up.
DnD on 22 June.. and my bro's wedding on 28 June. A lot of headache becos of my bro's wedding.. mostly from my parents.. and money issues.. Originally, was going to join some dance performance for Dnd.. and I'm glad I withdrew eventually..
I pray that all things will go smoothly and well.
One other thing.. that got me a little distressed recently.. My 'friendship' with one of my seniors at work.. One thing I came to realise is that, he is pretty much more occupied with himself (since he's pretty much single for so long).. like how I may be occupied with myself too.. but the significance is that I realise that he's not that much concerned abt me.. kinda like I don't feel that he's really after me tt sorta thing.. It's kinda ok for me.. cos it's a little of relief as it seems better for it to be maintained at only a friendship level.. Though.. I was a little upset for a few days.. cos he didn't msg me after I half yelled at him at workplace... even though I apologized.. I told myself it's ok.. it's better that way.. and I should really bear in mind now that no matter what, he's a senior at work, and I should never talk back to any one older than me.. even if they seem to be more friendly.. It's safer to draw that line.. I must rmbr that line.. Another reason I felt really upset.. is that it reminded me so much of this guy.. I knew many years back.. We used to chat so much online.. msn.. several nights.. till late nights even.. and he did stuffs that touched me.. and suddenly he just stopped talking to me. I never really knew the reason.. I assumed he found a gf... but it hurt me a lot.. It took me months to recover from the pain.. though it's not like we ever got together.. It just felt like someone opened the door to my heart for fun and then left... And it also reminded me of this guy who was friends with me for some time... same thing.. cos he had a gf.. and... i took a year to recover from tt.. So I became more cautious and remind myself of these lines to draw and these walls to build.. So if this is to happen again, no doubt I am mentally prepared.. but the pain will really hurt me... and bring me down..
But I know i'll be ok.. cos life has to go on.. nothing is that important anymore.. time will pass... and life will go on..
I know.. I'm getting older.. my mum is worried for me and my sis.. I also dunno what's so bad about me.. I don't have a bf and never had... I'm just trying to be me.. and be a better me..
Sighs..
I pray.. for happiness.. for my family and for myself..
♥reflected @ 2:04 AM
