Monday, January 06, 2014 ♥
It's going to be 2014 very soon.
This year was kinda like the economical cycles.. with several repeats of ups and downs, in life.
What I must admit is that my work has taken up almost 65% of me, my mum 25% my sis 5% and there's only 5% left of me.
And all these affect my emotions very readily.
I think one thing I need to remember, is that at the end of the day, I'm indeed made of flesh and blood.. So I need to forgive myself for not being able to be less affected.. but I do also need to keep in mind, that as much as I am human, I need to be more objective and hence more efficient and functional as it is a survival tool, in work and in life.
And to do that, yoga has been there to help. And credits to my yoga teacher as well.
It has taught me many things. To find my focus, to learn about who I am, and what I can do. To find me, and make a better version of me.
__________________
The above was typed some time ago before it's 2014 now. Things cropped up here and there, and I procrastinated at finishing the post until now it's already 2014.
I think that kinda shows my character - that I do certain stuff not really to the 100%. Haha.. yet, I beat myself up knowing that I'm not doing 100%. Which I really don't need to.
The last 'focus n flex' lesson was the previous friday, and I actually met up with my 'senior friend' after that for dinner.
One thing I've come to realise is that, I have a no. of close guy friends who come to know me more than who I am.. and few really do manage to break thr that kinda wall I sorta build around me. I think even some girl frens should able to feel that too. I dun really know why, and I dun really do it intentionally.. but there's some kinda of protective barrier that I set in between people and me.. I think that's probably why some people think that I look fierce or unapproachable. That's why people who really do spend the effort and continue to still try to befriend me get really closer.
Actually I just like my bubble and it's probably what makes me a scorpio? hahaa..
Anyways, I was discussing with my yoga teacher about my recent insights to my work. He's been nice to ask after me every time after yoga class. This encourages me to talk to him about my problems and stuffs. He has told me to do a sorta tabulation - the no. of times I'm happy at work (and perhaps why), as well as the no. of times I'm not happy at work (and why) - and figure out how I can stay more at the happy side.
One thing he said which I agree is that I am wasting time and effort in useless complaining and dwelling in things I can't change or I don't spend effort in changing. And he finds that perhaps the better solution is to let the environment change (which we know might be changing) to affect me and hopefully it suits me better..? Cos I don't seem to be able to effectively change to suit myself into the environment, or to change the environment myself.
But within myself, I do know that... everything has to start with myself first. After that previous incident whereby I had to sit down for a coffee session with the 'higher-ups' cos I didn't manage to control my emotions, I learnt the need to be of a better master of my own emotions. I have also learnt the need to see things in a wider perspective and not just my own.
I have to thank the person who was at the other end of my emotional blast too. He being himself, was perhaps nonchalant at my seemingly childish temper thrown, but that being said, he forgave me or never put it to heart, cos I knew it could have turned much worse. I would have even been at the deepest valley ever.
I have to thank some of my colleagues as well. Those who have come to treat me not only as a colleague, but also as a friend, and thus gave me guidance and taught me things about life and work.
Thank you for accepting me with my flaws and helping me to grow up.
I could totally see my yoga teacher's frustration when he talked to me yesterday, perhaps he thought that he seemed to be repeating the same stuffs to me many times and how come I never seem to change. hahaaa.. Well, I guess first thing is, I need to thank him for his concern and his effort. Perhaps, he didn't realize the change in the way I talked to him about the matters. Previously even if it were the same things I were frustrated about (work etc), I was more of an agitated and frustrated manner. Whereas now, I'm less agitated and more calm, more of a 'presenting issues' and trying to consider and think about them more objectively.
This is probably my mini steps of learning how to view things and communicate with others.
He felt that there seemed to be no 'me' in me, but more of 'others' in me; he was quite agitated I guess, when I think he felt perhaps, because he taught that he saw no change. hahaa... which I found that alright, cos I felt my little bits of changes. No doubt, I have not changed much, and have not come up with something brilliant that I want to pursue or become, but I feel lighter now, and that's perhaps what matters now. And then I'll slowly pick up more things.
Yes, sometimes, life can be short when time just passes so fast...
I've started my 'development' late.. I will work hard to try to keep it up and build up more.
I'm not sure yet what my dreams are..
But I sorta feel like currently, it's just hoping to be happy, find balance in my life, and learning to manage my life better and be more independent and strong, in mind and in body.
That's perhaps one of my new year resolutions.
Yesterday, I teared a little when I saw one of my yoga class mates manage a headstand better than me.. then I realized - why was I sad abt my back pain from work seemingly obstructing my yoga say 'achievements'? Cos that shouldn't have been the way? Yoga is supposed to be my source of energy and happiness, not because I achieved a pose etc..? After that thought, I teared a little more, cos of the shame I felt from thinking of these poses as a 'reward or achievement'.
Thank you yoga, for letting me realize stuffs again. I have learnt yet, another thing about myself.
=)
let's
try start to do more yoga in 2014. =)
another one more new year resolution to add.. haha.. which I have started to work on a little, is to change my fashion style. haha. last year, i met up with one of my frens, and he commented that I looked like an auntie. haha. complete with all the extra recyclable bag that I was carrying, another bag that looked like what a beer auntie might carry, a 3/4 loose pants and loose t-shirt, clad in slippers. hahaa. ok. get the idea? haha..
He told me to quit my job too. Haha.. I think that's mostly bcos pple ard me keep hearing the bad stuffs about my job etc, coming from me, which lead them to the conclusion that my job must be really kinda tough etc.. hahaa.
Alrights.. let's try to improve on that too. I mean there's reason why I am still stuck at my job and that's the gd stuffs.. so yup I need to bear in mind of them more. If that can't happen.. I might really need to find a new job. hahaa..
okies. getting really late now =X Need to sleep!
Tmr's back to work again.. and physio =) Write more next time!
Ganbatte!
♥reflected @ 3:11 AM
