Sunday, May 12, 2013 ♥
I am grateful. To those who believe in me, who have faith in me, and find good in me. Thank you.
That was what I felt yesterday after yoga class yesterday and an episode of being the 'loud' person I used to be v often in the past. I used to be 'loud' in the sense that, whenever I don't like something, angry about something, I was quick to voice it out, or complain or scold etc. Then there was a period of time it took a downturn.. when I became one who 'disliked' me.. cos of what others say of me.. I became one with low self esteem and low confidence.. Occasionally that nosey part of me will pop up now and then, to demand changes, or stand up for things I do not feel right.. but most of the time, I tried to suppress them or just turn a blind eye/ear.. Only yesterday, then I felt proud of myself. For the first time, I felt proud of myself - of my courage and capability of standing up for what I don't feel right.. and that was then.. I felt grateful.. to all those who stayed put with me, who liked that part of me, and thought that as good.. and not what I used to be ashamed of.
Thank you.
It actually happened to me quite a number of times this week, that I felt strongly about some unjust things occurring around me. So much so I trembled as I spoke.. I took deep breaths trying to calm myself... I do know then also, that I need to have better control.. of my feelings and find a good balance. As much as I want to have my feelings to be human, I need to use my brain to control so that the things that come out of me will still be coherent and strong.. so that they are of more use, and make me less of just a complain-y auntie or sorts.. so that people take my words more seriously.
So.
I hurt my back and shoulders quite badly.
As I teared slightly during yoga class yesterday... trying to convince myself that I will get better, and I will recover and be back at my form again, and that this is just a passing stage.. but still couldn't control my tears.. sighs. Anyways.. I am ending pole.. at this stage. I realised it's time.. to let go of pole. I hurt my back from over-exertion from pole.. Went for tuina and then got it worse.. so bad that I cried, couldn't breathe well, and was breathless with just a little walk.. Took 2 days off work.. and ate medicines.. now I will be going for acupuncture weekly and taking myself slowly so that I recover well. I know it's also not just pole. It's partly from my work also. That I probably have not much of a choice... cos work's not up to me I realise le--after appraisal. But as the acupuncturist told me, try to learn how to use technique and not brute strength, and also keep in mind that, cannot means cannot - no point forcing and hurting yourself. I have actually 3 more lessons of pole.. and showcase.. is going to be in 2 weeks.. but I am not sure if I'll be doing it anymore - if it is important anymore... but I guess I will still try to do something - if not I might regret. After all, it's my last pole showcase.
Appraisal.
Was a good experience I guess. A life-enriching lesson. Like my shifu told me - don't be too naïve. Yes, I have been too naïve.. sighs.. I really thought I just need to voice out, I'll have my way, and then I realise - nope, I am just a little ant and that my fate is really up to the queen ants up there. Perhaps - no, indeed, I am too young and inexperience - what those pple keep telling me.. but what I had hoped was to move on.. as well.. I wished to continue to learn other stuffs as I continue echo.. but I guess I will be stuck in echo for some time, if not very long. sighs. I don't know anymore. I tried to tell myself - that there is no rush, that if it is meant to be, it will be. I can't accept it right now I guess.. like what my colleague's been telling me that I need to learn to accept things. I am still trying to learn how to let go, and see them as facts and not let them affect my emotions that much anymore. Learn how to deal with them better and more effectively.
I shall really start getting into better form that I know I can be. Even though the circumstances might not treat me as well, or the people who don't see me highly.. I will still make sure I am well read - for that is for me. Learning is a lifelong process, I should not forget. There are more things to learn, and it is a good time to start getting back into learning. Cos learning is continuous.. I will ready myself for the various challenges ahead and stop giving myself excuses.
I have been thinking - 'what happens after I quite pole?'. I guess I have found the answer now. I will plan my time well and devote it to studying, yoga, running and meditation.
♥reflected @ 12:31 PM
