Sunday, March 17, 2013 ♥
Yesterday was the second time tears came to me during a yoga practice. Was a bit taken aback by myself too.. and worse.. it was kinda unstoppable. =S
I remember the first time I cried during a yoga practice was last year, before I started learning echo. I was in so much stress and worry about my wrist, if it could take the physical stress from my job. I was uber stressed for weeks, and until the last pose, savasana - I just cried.. And it helped me release all my stress and brought me courage to face my fears.
As for yesterday, it happened when I was to the end of the beginner session.. suddenly.. I just.. cried. Cried cos of the things that happened this week. Cos of the hard work that I put in which was absently criticised by others, cos of the heart that I put in which was ignored by others... Cos of my accidental slip of my mind - 自不量力地say things and do things out of my line...Cried because I was sad, cried for my own stupidity, cried for my own self-pity.. Cried for my struggle and dilemma - whether I should study and know more -I know I should, yet when belittled by others - what is the point?
Sighs.
It was difficult to stop my tears.. once I started.. and it was a bit ridiculous... how I looked I think..
I don't know how possible it is for me to learn to use my left hand, whether it advisable..
It was a difficult week for me to get through, felt like I had my emotions play me, and made me absent-minded. It is hard.. I guess that's life - the tone can't be a straight line all the time, there'll be ups and downs. That's the challenge - to be able to live through all the ups and downs as a straight line. That's why I like the lotus. To be able to grow out of muddy waters, still pure and strong.
I wish that I can be like that, and can presevere in the things I do.
Just this week, the thought of quitting pole came to my mind twice. Looking at the bruises all over me, wondering if they were really necessary, whether I am doing it right.. whether the path I am trying to walk is suitable for me..
Showcase is drawing near.. I have sorta decided on the song, look and a bit of the steps.. I hope they all work out.. then I can think about if I want to progress further or repeat or.. quit...Let see, I shall not worry about the future when it is not here.
As for my job, perhaps.. I am kept here because I am still needed here, and I need to be here still.. Take my time, there is no rush.. I will learn whatever I can and slowly gain the confidence that I speak the lack of.. Then I can move on.. I guess.. I will be ready then. To move on to the other scopes I want to go to...
As for the people around me.. I guess, I should remember - that superiors will always be superiors.. Sighs. That is reality, and I should not play with reality, or worse, forget about this reality and lapse in my thinking and recognition of this fact.
My colleague told me - I should stop sighing at the start of the day. Instead, I should start it right. He suggested that I stand and face at the mirror and say - "I can do it!" and positive stuffs. kinda like kdrama hahaa. oh wells. Worth trying! haha
alright..shall end here, and quickly start settling the stuffs that need my settling.
Ganbatte!
♥reflected @ 3:58 PM
