Monday, March 11, 2013 ♥
这个星期，得到了很多领悟...可也好像多了更多的彷徨与无助，绝望以及伤痛...有人跟我说‘身为人本来就是受苦的，所以更应该知道能快乐是多么难得，多么的需要珍惜’。改变不了周边环境，改变不了周边人们--我改变得了自己吗？确定方向时却杀出程咬金--瓦解我对方向的信心，难道人生是永远的探索和寻找--那是多么的累人呀！羡慕别人的坚定意志，希望我能保持着我一直相信的努力和用心，得来的却是如此，愕然发现事实--人是多么可怕且又可悲呀！
那是一种恍然大悟，也是一种提醒 - 其实我是知道的，可又忘了...
The biggest problem I always face when I do stuffs - is actually myself - my inconfidence, my countless thoughts, doubts with myself and all these cos of my high expectations of myself, my wants of wanting to do it well - and in the end, they all backfire and hinder me instead. What irony.
yet there are times that i can slack and forget to keep myself on form, forget that it's not all and there's more that i don't know yet.
One colleague was sharing with me today that she believes in 'the right time and right opportunity'. She urges me to stop feeling upset about the door that was closed in front of me, but look from another point of view - that it may have not been the right time, or my path may actually not be the one.
sighs.
i know i have to study more. i have lots of stuffs i do not know yet.. i must consistently remind myself that - not to be complacent - 满招损，谦受益 - there were times i felt that i forgot my place this week - 自以为是，自不量力。how can you forget! you are just a small ant. SMALL ANT! 随时可以被踩死，踩得扁扁的呀！
i will do better this week, remember to watch myself more carefully and resist the temptation of thinking of helping. if not i will only 自食其果。cos who am i to help? what was i thinking? gosh...
haven't blogged for some time.. cos everytime i want to sit down and blog, i seem to have many other things i need to do.. and yet, i can't seem to find time to study..somehow it just feels that it's weekend and i really don't feel like doing anything that is related to work..sighs.
nevertheless, i do want to blog about yoga. yoga has been okay, just enjoying the workout, but i realised that recently it has become a bit like a routine.. i guess that's okay, cos it probably means that i'm more fit now... in a way, cos i found it more energising than tiring, as compared to previously. but i guess i need to bring back more awareness and do more of this reflection thinggy.. if not the things i have felt during class, might be forgotten instead. unfortunately, there is this aunty in my class...well, let's just say that she's like a needle poking into my comfortable bubble every time after my yoga sessions.. and i fail to see her as just a needle and keep it outside my bubble..so i get affected and i tend to lose my mood that i originally wanted to keep. sighs. i guess there's still a long way for me to go as indeed, i confess, am unable to not let things around me affect me.
now i'm less upset, but i guess when i do think about it, i will still find it hard not to be upset - about this friend of mine. i guess today is no longer the same, and the past days are simply memories to keep. i admit, i no longer put as much effort to try to keep in touch with my friends anymore.. but i know who are the ones i treasure. Yet, it kinda hurts when the effort when i do put in, don't reciprocate. I guess indeed, the friendship may no longer be there already... i need to accept the fact and let go. i will no longer be the 'bus stop'.
i hope that as i become stronger physically and mentally, i will settle down properly and start studying harder for my work as well. of course, i need to stop saying 'i will' but just start. at the moment, i am the only one finding excuses for my own reluctance to study.. keep saying i dun want to touch work related stuffs after work - that is not how i was used to be. i need to better myself! 'the best is yet to be!'
3 weeks to showcase! and I still can't manage some stuffs well.. geez. we've gotten the theme already... and i've sorta done a bit of research and found the look i want, and also chanced about a song that i think might be suitable. i hope i'll be able to do all that!
jia you!!!! you can do it de!!! have faith!
last but not least, i wish to end with this...
it is smth i always wish to achieve..
♥reflected @ 12:00 AM
