Monday, October 22, 2012 ♥
sighs..
haven't run for two weeks alr.. and didn't run this week either. i really have to get back to my running! hmms. maybe tmr? if i come back earlier from work and go for a run? tt'll be great..
sighs. already missed 3 lessons of yoga sessions alr.. which makes that about 20 bucks. which is enough for me to get a taxi ride to work, or some new clothes, or top up my ezlink card, or a few lunches... sighs.
i have already cut down on my taxi rides.. the previous week, i managed to take the bus and train to work, and this week only twice. i really do need to try to get back to even better rhythm and energy, so that i can reach work earlier and hopefully, also be more alert. not to forget - to save money from taking cab. tt i really should avoid doing.
compared to the times back then, when i was still schooling and just started working, i was watching dramas and still managed to get myself in proper rhythm... i guess i am older now. haha. nevertheless i am determined to maintain my fitness, or even better, become more fit and stronger. altho.. yep, i have been missing out my running and rollerblading - to be ashamed of - but! it is never too late to get back to them. i just need to organise myself better. esp so cos i intend to study harder and also save up more for future plans.
i met up with my insurance agent, and he was introducing some sorta financial plan to me... and i did my calculations and realised that my spending has not been a lot, yet the amount i manage to save is also not a lot. i mean salary wise, i can't do much.. (even tho my agent was suggesting to me, how about try another career? LOL) so i am going to try my best to use my hard earned money even more wisely. spend on what i really want, and try to spend less on certain things. things like transport - definitely have to wake up earlier to avoid having to take cab. things like food - try to eat less? hahhhaa... tt i've been thinking about, wondering how i can save up on food. previously i could spend less, cos can buy from houseman, but now i have so little time for lunch, i buy stuffs from the nearer places which unfortunately, sell more expensive food. as for dinner... i even cut down on my subways.. try to go back home for dinner on certain days, and sometimes try to settle with my mueslis. but then.. when you eat out with somebody else... tend to have to spend more.. sighs.. which is what i don't like, cos food is like just 'food' - so kinda think that eating ex is quite wasteful.
anyways.. work has been quite okay.. been trying to do my stuffs well, not only for the sake of my shifu, but also for the drs, for the customers, and for myself. so i have been trying to practise all the good stuff that i have learnt and put them together. i hope that i can continuously improve as well, in quality and in speed. to do that, i also need to study more. i am trying to do so, and altho it's baby little steps and progress is slow, i am determined to strive hard.
besides that, i am also learning how to deal and work with people all the time. how to present my thoughts better, and talk to people better. no doubt, at certain times the 'demanding' me will pop out, at certain times the 'grouchy' me will appear.. the 'i dunno why i have to do this while this person can totally heck' me will come out... haha.. i am still learning to find my grounding better. to keep myself down, climb back to earth and breathe my heart out.
tho sometimes puzzling, i have found that i am learning to be comfortable in my own bubble more. previously, it affects me.. kinda like makes me feel left out when i go out with certain frens who i'm not really on the same frequency with them.. but now i feel i am growing to be comfortable with my own silence and simply watch and observe the things around, happy to be part of it yet not really part of it kinda. i think certain pple might find me awkward still, kinda like a thorn out of the crowd..? but i am still trying, and am learning to like my own silence. undeniably, i will probably be seen as even more withdrawn, but i am still learning how not to be so concerned about what others view of me anymore.
i started to first understand this, when i first realised my own noise - when my yoga teacher first showed me what was my noise - by a simple action - silencing me with another sound - music. and that was when i learnt that my noise was the one that actually disturbed the calmness i have within me. so slowly, i started to learn to enjoy the silence. in the beginning it was simply because i had no time to eat with my colleagues, so i packet my lunch, found my favourite place to eat my lunch in my lovely silence - and started to wonder if this was smth worrying. after that, i realised that i can still manage the 'silence' when i am with others. even tho it's not all the time - cos the talkative me might sometimes pop out when í get excited.. haha but nevertheless, i learn to feel happy about it, the warmth of it, and yet not too much and simply observe the happiness.
there are times i know i am not up to the level.. kinda. like yesterday. i wasn't able to find my comfy bubble. even after practising the breath of fire - 'kapalapathi breath' - i didn't manage to find the tranquility i felt before. even when i was lying in nirvasana, my thoughts still ran about, and i couldn't stop them or empty my brain. that was when i realised - i didn't have to keep trying very hard - consciously try to put them to rest. initially, i tried. by concentrating on my breathing. then i realised what i could do. just let go. i just let my mind run as it liked yesterday, knowing that i wasn't up to it just yesterday, i could do better next time, and i shall just rest and observe where my thoughts go. haha and just as i thought - it was work. haha. i guess.. i have been really working hard.. hees.
hopefully, next week i'll do even better. =)
sorta 'discussed' a bit about my imbalances with the yoga teacher yesterday, and listened to him advise a fellow student regarding imbalances that resulted in her neck problems, trying to explain to her that the solution is a long term one, and the target is the base. he was pondering aloud later, if he could perhaps start a series that works on that for the new class next week, yet he was contemplative if students can understand that the pain that they may feel after that, is actually a benefit, and not a harmful result of the yoga stretches he will be teaching. i told him i understand his point, cos i personally went thr that.
i sorta wondered after that, and actually begin working on a msg to explain my ideas. but then smth stopped me. i was doubting his intention and if he is ready to listen to me, just as how he previously thought i wasn't ready to hear him. actually so was he, i now realise, but indeed, we all have more to learn from each other. so i thought, i could just wait and see. if it really frustrates him.. if he really does have intention to try to do smth new - or perhaps it is me who's wrong and he actually does know.
it reminded me of how different every teacher's teaching style can be so different, mostly due to their own ideals and perceptions. his perception was to encourage us to feel ourselves and learn through self discovery. while - there was this amazing yoga teacher at 'yoga by the sea' - she taught the entire 2500+ of all by simply saying. she didn't demonstrate like most yoga teachers do - she didn't get into the pose herself, but simply described and told us where to go - we found our direction. that was really guidance i felt.
that was what stopped me midway during my msg- if my teacher thinks he wants to learn how to guide us more, perhaps i will sense it more and then it's time i can propose my thoughts to him.
nothing's wrong about how he teaches actually. just that it isn't appealing i guess. most people come to yoga class because of reasons like de-stressing or just to exercise..or like me- my initial intention was to lose weight and find some physical activity. rarely, beginners will come in saying 'i am here, because i want to learn about myself'. which means, many people come into the class with expectations as how i did previously - expecting to sweat, expecting to do some workout. this explains how some students tend to ask 'why can't i do this', or 'what stuffs can help me with this' - quick remedies.
so, what i think is - two ways to work it. the first way - how i think he thinks (haha) - those who are really interested, will continue on the journey and find the path. the second way - how it possibly could be - attract them to stay and learn to find the journery, which is harder.. in a way.. cos ít requires effort and there can be disappointments when you forget and start to gain expectations cos you put in effort. what i mean is, to show people the possible path - is to first help them understand what they are feeling, by feeding them what they want first, then leading them to learn how to feel and start to get interested in themselves.
but i think i need to wait and see.
a conscious reminder to myself -
"满招损，谦受益"
no matter with my opinions, or with my work.
even tho i have become more independent during my work, i think i need to consciously remind myself that i am always still lacking and don't become complacent.
i must always remember that.
hmms.
been trying to watch "The Third Hospital". it's not so easy to follow though.. it's quite interesting - about tradition han medicine vs. modern medicine. quite cool, but until now i have only managed to watch 4 episodes.
watched S.O.P Queen yesterday. Quite sad to see that ming dao has dropped from his previous main role standing... and surprised to see some 'old actors' (as in whom i thought disappeared since i last saw them years back in taiwan idol dramas during my time). glad to still like qiao en, and that i can actually see that it's really an idol drama complete with princess and prince idea, but still enjoy the show. haha. let's see how the story goes! unfortunately it's 同步首播 i think.. so it'll be hard kinda hard to follow...
okies, it's getting kinda late! need to go wash up, see if i can still study a bit more before i go to bed..
Ganbatte for the new week ahead!
♥reflected @ 1:01 AM
