Sunday, September 23, 2012 ♥
YEAH!!! woots!
=) haha. i just signed up for the above event! Yep, although.. yes a bit sad that i'll have to miss two yoga sessions, if i go for the event.. BUT i'd rather not regret giving such an event a miss. hehees. so yep! looking forward to joining the mass yoga session. I mean, yepp.. it might be sians cos yoga.. is like every one just doing their own yoga. but then i'm really kinda interested in the idea of doing yoga with other yogis in the outdoors with symphonic music behind! woots. =) haaha
anyways. these days haven't been feeling very well.. physically. My postural blood pressure changes are quite strong.. v easy to get giddy spells.. but still ok..
learning to do portable now.. it's really tough, cos we have to get ourselves into all sorts of twisted postures in order to get the images we want.. sometimes i really try very hard.. in hope to get all the images required. sighs.. and really it's horrible cos after the session i will be like really in pain.. for two days i had nerve compressions even when i walked.. at my hip area.. together with back pain, arm, shoulder and wrist pains.. it's really tough. what makes things worse is the people you work with give u lotsa unnecessary stress and trouble.
after that one day, i actually came to the conclusion that after i serve my bond, i will really have to consider abt staying or quiting. i'm really glad tho, cos i got a message very clearly, and i will simply continue to do my job properly, my best and just focus on what i am supposed to and can do.. at least for every 'now' at work.
there was a time near the end of one study i was doing, i felt my right hand turn numb. my fingers went numb..and it was shaking as i typed my report. sighs. apparently i am not the only one i realised. not only that, i also felt my vision getting a bit affected as well. can you imagine? all the harm my work is doing to me? plus tt day i probably was blasted point-blank by x-ray.. sighs. all tt risks really tempt me to quit eh. haha. sighs. but i will be sticking ard.. haha cos.. how to say, i probably dunno what else i can do.. and i still kinda like my job..
anyways. yesterday i was doing yoga.. and kinda freaked out.. cos suddenly my left eye felt really painful.. and my fingers became numb.. so yep.. felt uncomfortable for a while.. then started to tear a bit.. cos i was kinda worried and freaked out. so i just rested myself for a while.. waited until it went away, then continue with my yoga. sighs. i think smth's not quite good with my blood circulation.. i guess. i'm not going to freak myself out letting my mind wonder to other things. it's probably just cos i exerted myself too much at one point of time i guess.
but somehow.. i had this sudden realisation... which was kinda.. weird.. cos i would think that it's quite good to be able to find this out myself..no doubt a bit slow. i realised that i had been doing yoga, very focused, thinking that i am in my own bubble. indeed i was.. in my own bubble, just concentrating on my yoga. Concentrating on my breath, my intention to move according to my breath and stretching... so much so.. that i forgot smth. I forgot to feel. I realised that when I tried to stop my brain from functioning, from wondering to think about other stuffs.. I forgot to open my senses- i only closed them up. as a result, i forgot to feel.. i only just breathed and stretched. just doing yoga with my motion and breath. so... it's time now. that i feel. so yesterday, after that incident, i realised that with slowing down of my breath and movements - i kinda.. can wake my senses up, in fact. To slowly say hi to my body and listen to what they are telling me.
i sorta realised this.. when the yoga teacher asked me since when i felt tt numbness.. and i was like hmm i dunno.. i was just focused on... then i realised.. what was i focusing on? he said, 'you were focusing.. but not focusing on your feelings?'
Yep. so some credit does go to him for helping me find that out, altho he probably didn't know.. or don't need to know.
So eventually i sorta had this msg...in my brain, as i continued with my yoga.. in the next session.. that I don't really need to be there anymore... cos at the moment.. I felt like I am like not going to follow the rhythm in the class... I am just going to follow my own and feel on my own.. which I probably can..at home or anywhere..
But then I also realised.. that..I can still continue the class... cos there's still much more to learn from the class.. I believe that there is still more that he can teach me in future lessons. Also, I hope that in future, I might be able to not only thrive in my little bubble..but also follow the bigger bubble of the class led by our instructor.. if there is the bubble there - i guess that is what a yoga class can be... but i guess.. that bubble's existence.. is a thing of question, in the first place. haha.. i guess probably in future, when I'm even better and more ready.. then i can probably move on to join other people's bubble.. then i'll see where i can move on to.
so going to the mass yoga session - i think first thing to rmbr - is not to bring any expectations along - which i guess i tend to do, at times.
i am kinda glad.. actually.. to be able to find out more things about myself.. taking little steps forward.. and 'inward'. Working with some really incredulous people, though they made me suffer for days, actually also kinda trained my patience and also open up my mind and see more than just the current situation - such that I can see where my stand is and what i should do or rather, can do and can feel.
i love this pict - cos it kinda depicts how i feel as i continue to grow.
so with all these thoughts...
i found out another thing as well.
these people.. that i come to know of, come to interact with, at this stage of life.. the role they play in my life.. the role i make them play in my life - is really up to me. my customers will have to stay as customers; my colleagues as colleagues; and my yoga teacher - my yoga teacher. i suddenly realise that i can start to draw away my connection with my yoga teacher. i suddenly realised that, yes although i can consider him a friend and mentor - the role he has chosen to play, and i for him to play - shall stop as simply a teacher whom i go to, to learn about yoga.. only on my days of yoga sessions. cos i have also come to learn that his bubble does not include me, that his social circle and pyramid is already set. as for my colleagues - yep. they will stay as people at my workplace- i shall not let them affect my feelings tt much, in my workplace, even more when i'm out of my workplace.
my feelings are mine. mine to keep and mine to let go of.
after my yoga.. i went to watch a movie on my own.
i thought i really needed smth to console myself, to cheer myself and to encourage myself. altho, i am really sorry to my sister for not waiting for her.. but i dun mind watching it again. it's not bad! like it =) haha.
A quote from the movie, which I like-
"幸福，需要冒险"
alrights.. i need to go and study! haven't been study conscientiously.. sighs.
要加油哦!!
♥reflected @ 5:26 PM
