Sunday, September 02, 2012 ♥
=)
good to start the day by blogging.. and then can leave the rest of the day to studying (hopefully hahaha)
anyways this week was quite eventful..sorta?
kana scolded by a colleague whom i thought could be a fren or at least a closer colleague, and when my senior heard about it superficially, almost immediately concluded that it must have been my own fault.. which probably is.. sighs. cos my self restraint and control isn't that power yet.. so there are times when the dominant, loud, demanding and persistent me will pop out.. questioning, doubting and talking in a stern and irritating voice.. as a result.. i offended quite a number of people this week.. no doubt, i had my reasons as well.. and i guess some perhaps can empathize with me.. but i feel that more will be against me instead..so yup.. it is indeed my own fault if more people dislike me..
sighs.
there were many times i felt that being human is so tough.. 做人很难.. the times i feel apprehensive before talking.. or after speaking.. worried that i have said smth wrong.. or offended pple.. or feel tired and apologetic to have said smth.. and try hard to set things right again kinda... it makes me really want to retreat back to my own little bubble and just live my own life, stay out of the things around me.. just observe and let others busy among themselves...and havoc..
and actually i sorta have already started to do more of that - of silencing myself and enjoying myself in my solitude and resting sphere - my own orbital and bubble.. there were times i was kinda worried..haha cos as a result i seem to have become even more introvert and antisocial kinda.. and tt doesn't seem too healthy..
i talked to my mentor about it.. i sorta regard my yoga teacher as my 'mentor' and shifu now.. haha.. lol.. yep so i asked for his opinions.. and i'm glad that he feels that the behaviour is actually 'approvable' -maybe tt's not the right word.. hmm.. it's not that there's a right or wrong.. or i'm seeking someone's approval or agreement.. it's just that sometimes i need someone to tell me - yep you're on the right path.. don't worry just head on; you're doing good. and so, it was good to know that i'm alright.. and it's kinda good. so i can continue to see it in positive light and continue to enjoy myself in my own world and listen to my own vibe and feel the things around me more..
and i'm glad also that i seem to have 'improve' slightly.. cos now i can retract back.. or realize my mistakes.. instead of just blindly say things and then affect other people while still thinking that it should be tt way.. (which sometimes, may be.. cos i still strive for perfection in certain things..) i am able to see that some things are already perfect on their own.. i feel that i have become more observant and less proactive..
it's also okay i guess. just have faith.. if there are to be more true frens.. for me to know.. i'll find them along my path.. or they'll find me.. even in my little bubble.. (haha so my mum can stop worrying that her daughter is not going out to make frens or find a bf.. haha - i guess, she probably dun care tt much.. actually.. sighs)
so i will stop. not saying i'll totally avoid people or not answering pple; tt'll be too extreme. i'll stop making conscious effort or try hard to talk to people or make frens with others..
'like a pyramid', he says, your frens, your social circle, the people around me will ascend the pyramid and sorta narrow down to the true ones - the quality ones - the ones to keep close to your heart.
i'm glad to have learn a lot.. through yoga and my readings.. but there's much more too learn. many times.. through my practise.. i feel imbalances.. i feel some things wrong.. i feel weirdness.. but i can't pinpoint exactly what.. it will take years - so i was told.. patience and time and intention.. i'll just have to continue on this path and be ready to accept and learn what is given to me along the way.. one thing i quite feel, is that these physical imbalances actually might just reflect my own personality and life as well.. so.. i'll wait and see..
work this week.. other than the two incidents.. was sorta.. okay.. just kinda tiring.. cos i was a bit sick.. and the weather was kinda weird.. sometimes hot.. and sometimes as if i was in a freezer..
there was one incident.. that i did echo on a patient.. until i cried.. cos.. i felt really sick and awful.. cos of my blocked breathing.. i felt my qi stuck and probably me emotions stuck as well.. so at the moment the only way tt seemed to be able to rescue me was to let out and cry.. and i didn't really intend or want to do that, cos many eyes are looking, for all you know.. but i just teared..
the case was quite tough..and took me a lot of effort and time.. i tried and kept trying.. not becos my face wasn't thick enough to go seek help.. more like i didn't feel like giving up and just ask for help--cos help is sometimes kinda hard to get.. so in a way.. yep probably my face is indeed not thick enough? haha.. so i tried very hard.. till my body ached and my qi got stuck everywhere..
sighs.
i hope i meet less people like this and have better luck most of the time. which sorta worries me.. cos my boss has put us in a session of portable with our shifus... so i have this feeling that they might just push us forward to do portable already... and portable can be really very frightening.. i think .. =( sighs..
but what has to come.. has to come.. anyways.
anyways.. again, i'm told that in future, work will be even more tough.. sighs. hopefully i can become better and more efficient so that i'll be able to take things in my stride. which means i do need to study more so that i am more aware of what i am doing and am in more knowledge of what the data i'm collecting are and what they mean.
Ganbatte!!
Namaste~
♥reflected @ 2:11 PM
