Sunday, July 22, 2012 ♥
Yesterday..I had a sudden realization..
I mean I sorta knew it all the while, but today.. it sorta just hit me suddenly. really. just out of the blue kinda.
I suddenly realised why people find it so hard to work with me, or I find it hard to work with people. I expect a lot from people. I have high expectations on myself, and for others as well. As a result, when people can't meet them.. I feel unhappy, dissatisfied, angry and these show.. which in turn, cause unhappiness from them as well. And.. in the end.. I feel worse. Yet, because of my 'high expectations' and distrust of others to not be able to reach them.. cause me to try my best to do things myself. BUT. as a result.. when there're too many things to do.. so much so that I cannot cope with them myself.. I just.. stress myself up.. and there it shows too..a viscous cycle- yes tt's right. all these.. because I am a perfectionist. Because of this..I continuously 'beat' myself up.. not only that.. but also get others unhappy as well.. and perhaps nobody really likes me.. and hence I find myself cornered most of the time. There was a time.. when I first found out that my personality is a perfectionist- I 'beat' myself up too. Being a perfectionist.. somehow finding out that I am a 'perfectionist' made me suffered for weeks, cos I felt that 'perfectionist' is a difficult kinda of character, one of the most undesirable persons to be with, and yet I am a perfectionist... like a flaw.. like a hideous piece of me.. And then somehow I got over it, kinda.. dunno it was self-pacifying, self-denial or perhaps.. it was just another perception. I convinced myself that being a perfectionist is nothing wrong, it's not a bad thing.. I can always use it to my advantage such that I'll ensure that I do my things right and to my best.
I should remember what my yoga teacher said - "Do your best and let your best will do the rest". Have faith in that.
And so when I suddenly realised that about myself.. I felt - many things.. I felt alarmed, anxious, worried and upset. "I am a perfectionist" and "I have really acted like one" - it's like 一棒击醒, suddenly I don't like myself either.. suddenly I think I might just continue the rest of my life like this.. and as a result might just get so alienated and ostracised.. yup.. somehow I dunno if I should feel fearful about this at all.. cos I used to keep telling myself that I need to be independent; it's better to be alone and independent.
And the thing is... I keep telling myself that it's so hard. It's really so hard to change. Which reminds me that actually, I do know of this before.. but this time it's kinda different - it's feels like I really know it myself now.
And so I was really upset for some time.. but actually ... it's really okay. It's actually good - cos I have reached my centre - I have found myself. And now it's my choice - to decide if I want to change or not.. To decide if I want to this skin of me to slowly rub off and empower my true self.
So... I hope.. that I will remember all these.. I hope that as I do things..as I continue my life, I'll rmbr what I felt, and can manage things and people better.
I am glad in a way.. now. to have discovered this.. and somehow, truly accept what is now and know what to do.. and I think.. somehow yoga played a part in it. 当局者迷，旁观者清. it's really true. you might think you know yourself best.. and sometimes.. It really sorta annoys you when people tell you what they think of you, and you think otherwise, and you don't want to accept what they're saying - and actually there were quite a no of pple who have tried to talk to me about me.. and it had annoyed me.. cos they make me sound like i'm a problem or I have problems.
"Timing is key" - another phrase I learnt from my yoga teacher. Sometimes.. saying too much is pointless.. saying at the right time, the right moment - that is when it is heard. That is the time when the person is truly open to hear you.. and it's not really about being patient and waiting.. it's just.. following the nature - "surrendering to the present" and looking at what is offered really.
That makes me able to understand the way how my yoga teacher teaches better too - he will be ready to grab your hand when you are ready to stretch yours out. Sometimes.. it really takes our own to figure things out ourselves.
It's true that many times, I like my own little bubble - safe and secure. It is true that being in your own little bubble is sometimes good - just focusing on improving yourself first. And it's true that as a result, I don't really know how to communicate with people and sometimes find it a trouble to communicate with others.. cos I don't really know how to. I feel that there are many times I don't say the right things... or..
But to live in this society.. you have to sorta walk out of the bubble and interact with others.. but you might just lose your true self too.. And that really happens, as you switch and try to morph yourself into various different situations with different settings, culture and values..Like what my senior says- people change in time.
Honestly - that once happened to me. I felt it quite strong, but took me time to discover it myself. I sorta became a spoilt brat when I graduated from my previous school.. and then.. when I felt myself.. I managed to revert back to the previous self, yet at the same time, keeping the good qualities I sorta 'learnt' from the school. It was then I truly understood what the phrases “近朱者赤，近墨者黑” and “出污泥而不染” meant.
It is now then - for me to grow and learn again. A kind of rebirth...
On Friday, I was very stressed up at work. I was doing my job.. but I wasn't really doing my job. I take measurements without really understanding what they mean... I type reports without really knowing what they mean. Yet I am slow at just the practical part. I know I have to study to understand - but I don't have the time, don't have the energy to study; I return home every day and the only thing I can do is SLEEP. I hated that feeling - the feeling of “力不从心”, the feeling of not being able to do anything else except work and sleep. The thought that my work-life balance is really koyak - that I have no life at all.. so consumed with work till I don't even know how to communicate with people anymore as well..
But I'm kinda glad that I had this sudden 'premonition?' of myself..haha.. even as I was so consumed with work.. I am working on it. I am. really. Working on how to better myself, working on how to better my work-life balance, working on how to know my stuff better. It is therefore so good to be able to see myself clearly first, so that I may see my direction as well.
I know sometimes.. it seems as if like I am analysing my life and me, so much so it seems as if I am making life even harder for myself, when it on its own can be quite hard already.. hahah. yesh I understand that - why make life so hard for yourself by trying so hard to understand it?
I guess another factor that helped me figure this out was..hahaha
this.
haha. yesh. the drama. I cried a lot watching it.. Somehow I like the second lead actor (黄志玮) better.. cos in a way... he managed to let me feel his character.. The one thing I realised after watching him - 'everyone is living life so hard' - and only to figure out that he was the one living his life very hard - and I could empathize with him, cos I am trying very hard in my life too. Many times... I need to remember to learn how to 放手 - to let go, to surrender to life, to surrender to the present and just see where I can go.. instead of constantly trying hard to pursue the best scenario I mentally imaged.
In the end, I managed to finish the other sophie kinsella's book- Twenties Girl. Even though it took me some time to read it.. cos it was quite thick.. and didn't have much time to sit down and read. It was great. It was a beautiful story, of love, of expectations, of hope, of letting go and of opening your eyes to see from a different perspective - can I put it that way? Perhaps sometimes we can tend to overdo these things - like how the guy said during my brother's commencement ceremony, we can make a big deal out of a simple explosion scene in a movie, anaylse it to be some very chim stuff when it is just an explosion. hahaa. So I shan't say more; it's just a great book to read.
Other than 前男友 and Big, I have been following another drama too.
Since I changed my new phone, I have been able to follow these dramas on my phone (not watching them cos it really wastes battery and my energy too), via dramabeans - thank goodness for its existence.
So it happens that I have taken leave off Monday! Yeah! =) haha Hopefully I'll be able to use this precious time wisely and to its max. Need to
1. Pack my table
2. Pack my wardrobe
3. STUDY
4. Recuperate
haha =)
All the best =) May we all open our hearts - to listen and to feel...
~Namaste
♥reflected @ 10:48 PM
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