Sunday, February 12, 2012 ♥
yesterday..made me quite emo.. for a while.
just now, when i first opened up my blog and look at the template - the pictures, the words.. i thought that it was really apt, very fitting to me, my life and my thinking..
The pictures i chose - the left one showing the lady looking out of the glass, thinking of what may lie ahead, and outside of the closed doors. the middle one expresses her wishes to have a sky of her own, to soar and experience freedom. the right picture - the door is opened, can she really step out..?
The poem in the side bar-
"I sit and cry thinking of all the regrets
How life seems to be always unfair.
I move on putting any dreams away
Hoping that I'll find them come some rainy day.
No matter how tired and weary
I will walk on."
Once, I asked myself, if I have that much passion for smth, I will really work on it and become good at it.. but somehow it seems as if in tt case, I do really lack passion in many things I guess. Yet, i feel that it's not smth to do with passion.. It feels like.. everytime when i think about it, it always feels like I've sorta missed the chances, missed the opportunities.. kinda like leaving me feeling like I've become too old to try anymore, or like it's not possible to get better anymore.. or like no matter how hard i try, i just can't do it anymore. it's sorta like a mentality that's stuck to me, yet bcos it really seems like it's actually the reality, and cos i feel that i know reality so much so that there's no point of trying to go against it anymore.
i think i tend to be affected by tt so very much. to the things i try to do - be it guitar, rollerblading, or just living, my character and stuff. as a result i start to withdraw i guess.. not attempting anymore.
yet knowing these things doesn't help me in improving myself either. like yesterday, i realised once again - the flaws in me; my character. when i realise the image that i picture in my brain isn't what it really is, be it a person, or a situation - i get stumped, taken aback, disappointed. or i expect others to be like me. things like tt. i think.. i'll start hating personality tests.. cos it made me quite emo after i found out these characteristics of me, making me feel like they are flaws and yet i don't really seem to be able to change them.. i do try, seriously i do, yet.. it's hard - cos only after my actions take place do i realise i have acted out of my personality tt kinda stuff.. rawr.. i guess as a result.. i give up easily..
i guess tts probably a reason why i like to just be with myself too..i do know that it can get lonely at certain times. but one thing i do realise is that once you start developing a dependence on certain emotions, or person for eg, when u lose it.. you have to get back on your own kinda, so i keep trying hard not to develop a dependence or anything or anyone anymore.. kinda like i dun have tt much confidence in pple or myself.. i mean seriously, who wouldn't want a nice tree trunk to lean on, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold on etc.. but then all these have to be there in the first place right..? i guess this happens to me a lot of times as passes by.. i just need to let go.. and continue with leading my life as others move on with theirs.
gosh.. i do believe i'm ranting/whining again. well i do admit that certain times, i do wallow in self-pity a bit.
anyways.. i had a good day today. thursday wasn't tt bad either; actually i enjoyed it - it was kinda like a luxury to me, even though the morning and afternoon were tiring.. and i knocked my head (still hurts now) and fell down.. but it did feel kinda like a luxury. haha. today was a bubble day - haha - smth i haven't done for v long - spent a day in the library, just reading, wrapped up in my bubble. =) won't do it too often though.. cos time passes by like *poof*. haha
anyway, i plan to study hard =)
the latest problem i have on hand is i can't decide what new course i want to do.. i want to continue pilates actually, it's good.. but then the instructor is just not that good.. i started yoga intermediate, and found out tt i really wasn't good enough to follow.. sighss..
anyways last wk i watched a new show!
haha (more or less completed all 10 episodes in one day)
Jin
I saw it in a shop before, tempted to buy it, but it was quite pricey. it's not bad.. even though the storyline a bit strange - the going back in history part.. a bit weird... in any case, when i compared Jejungwoon with Jin, I felt that Jejungwoon was much better.. Even though the storyline is different etc.. i mean better as in handling of the characters, storytelling, pictures and things like medicine in the historic times.. I also like Iryu better..
not sure if i'll continue watching Jin-2.. still got a no of books lying around for me to read.. and i want to be more prepared before i start training officially..
anyways..
ganbatte! =D
hope i can become better!
time to go back to doing other stuffs...
♥reflected @ 10:36 PM
