reflections

Sunday, February 27, 2011 ♥

smth's not v good with my body clock. i'm kinda messed up. i wake up at weird times, not early enough to take the bus, yet too early to take cab. i sleep at irregular timings as well. and then i'm sleepy continuously thr-out the days, w or w/o coffee.

i was thinking if it could be the result of having a lack of exercise.. but then.. i have a lack of time for it. maybe.. i shld go for a run today, or dig out my rollerblades.

sighs.

poster day and thesis day are drawing near. nxt wk i've got a presentation which is lacking info.. and my group members are supposed to help find more info, and they aren't doing anything.. and i dun feel like doing anything cos i've other things of my own to do; besides i'm already going to be the presenter, what more do you want to expect from me? unfortunately, i think there is a high percentage that at the end of the day, i'll still have to be the one to do more research. big sigh.

furthermore, the other two projects also have presentations, and they are still at the stagnant level. and i have also decided to play the impassive role, cos i realised i'm lacking in the intellectual level and am lagging behind lectures; i'm just going to stress myself up if i want to play an active role and i dun think i can handle tt stress cos i can't do much.

meanwhile, i think i'm just going to put all my focus into completing the lab work and finish up the poster and thesis. honestly, i can't wait to leave the lab and nvr come back. but then, i'm not looking forward to exams and stuffs, + graduating, then finding work, working.. either.

i am still in the midst of trying to live my own life actually. as in.. trying to be able to take care of myself, finding independence and discipline back.. and i haven't been really successful at it, i'm like totally messed up. i'm just like doing stuffs.. and not doing properly. it's not like as if i just came out from a broken relationship or wat, but it feels as if so.

i think i need a compass.

yesterday i was alone at novena, some mall called velocity and square 2. which was kinda weird. it wasn't the first time walking thr malls alone, but it was kinda weird still, cos it was sorta my first time there - i thought there was an iceskating rink there and asked the info counter abt it and realised that it was only a temp one built up during xmas last yr or last last ? nvrtheless, i was a bit.. sad? not really so.. puzzled? cos i realised that i haven't been to many places and i thought i'd really like to go travelling and experience it, but i won't be able to. i know my bubbles. they are made of just air.

it was quite the reason why i didn't mind travelling down the mrt line to changi airport to send off a fren. cos all tt travelling... didn't matter much anymore.. time taken yes ..time is impt.. but then.. they don't feel substantial anymore..

it is also quite the reason why.. i'm in this kinda blue mood, not angry not happy just kinda down.. i can see very clearly why driving isn't tt very necessary anymore, i shldn't tie myself down with a car which can become a burden, cos of fuel, road tax, coe, parking etc, wrapped with the confusion with my sis wanting to use it. it has given me a lot of undesirable stress, no doubt it provides a lot of convenience some times, i have been trying to think of all the postive sides of not taking the car and taking the public transport instead. but it doesn't help when i have feelings of unjust at certain times which make me kinda feel guilty and confused in my brain when i try to keep myself willing to to face all the inconvenience and weariness when i face all the waiting time and standing time at the bus stop/ in the bus/train. maybe because i keep hoping that pple acknowledge that i'm going thr these for the sake of them.. but they don't.. and then i realize i feel sians, which increases, when i look at some other frens who have to travel all the way from further places to come to schl/ lab and handling that much better than i do, bcos i guess they've been doing that all the time.. whereas i'm like bus/car/cab/bus/train/car all mixed up and with lack of stability. i mean of course the way out is like just heck and take public transport all the way.. but pple come about and mess with my intention and tell me that i shld just take the bus my own, while other pple insists that they drive me. wth.

i'm just like in a mess cos of tt? nonsense.

but i am.

my studies, my lab work.. everything. my resolve, my steadfastness, my writing of to-do lists... all messed up. i'm lagging behind stuffs, missing things, not doing well. it's not as if i've been a really bad student or wat.. i've just been.. ghostly? like a lost soul? i could say i'm like in a hysterical condition? but then i'm not. i think i kinda look all calm or composed, as if there's nothing bothering me? but i'm just.. trying not to be bothered i guess.

people have told me to just live my life properly and dun bother about theirs, while others come ard me and seemingly asks me to get into others...???? like wth..? but then i am clear in tt area already - i am just going to be bothered about mine, cos i'm not even managing it properly, that makes me no capable person to be bothered abt others'.

i've spent time building up my little bubbles. pondering over the possibilties of materializing them, then seriously wanting to make them happen, then bursting them myself, then trying to console myself over it, then keeping the bubbles there but letting them be bubbles.

last night i was watching one episode of 'bones' on mio tv, i've been flipping thr tt channel almost everyday, waiting for the new episodes to be up. and yesterday it was there, the episode i have been wanting to watch, and so i watched it. it was an episode about a doctor dying with regrets, and Bones was having trouble not overidentifying herself with the victim. Booth told Bones that everybody has regrets.

now, that's true, cos everybody does.

i have my little bubbles.

but i know. realistically, they're only bubbles.

how about making some achievable bubbles? you'll say.

then they won't be bubbles anymore.

♥reflected @ 12:42 PM