Sunday, May 02, 2010 ♥
actually i had wanted to go and study immediately after i came home and bathe.. in the end.. haiz.
i've been slacking quite a lot i think. after mugging in schl, when i reach home and bathe, i'll be slacking at the comp, watching stuffs, play bejeweled etc.
haiz.
it sux. cos i dun really want me to be like that.
and i also sleep v late.
and as a result, wake up v late also.
i rmbr i used to wake up much earlier in previous sems. chams.
plus now... nobody wakes us up. which is kinda sad. and when my phone alarm rings, either I don't hear it, or my hand reaches for it and turn off the 3 alarms i set. and then when i wake up finally, i have to wake my sis up, yet she doesn't like me to wake her up, even tho its already damn late.
actually. i'm quite vexed why i am this way.
why i'm not like my bro or other pple whom i know, who sleep earlier, wakes up earlier, start studying earlier, and also study more. instead of what i'm doing. sleep late, wake up late, mug and slack at the same time. mug and fall asleep as i mug. mug and feel stressed why i mug so slow. mug and worry if i can finish mugging. mug and worry if sis can finish her mugging.
i suck. like shit.
T.T
人定胜天?天定胜人? It's like asking which comes first, the egg or the chicken? narrative finals, there was one question i wrote - "Write an essay on chance and fate". That got me thinking... I wrote that chance gives the opportunity for us to do things, but the results of those actions are up to fate. Then I argued that chance is controlled by fate too, cos it's probably in fate or in destiny that you'll get that chance and whatever happens is going to be fate also. That brings me to my discussion with my mum earlier tonight when i reached home.
I asked her if there was such thing - 命中注定. Is there such thing? I told myself i believe in fate. That I can only try my best and do watever I can at current. But then these days of studying got me a bit vexed about it. If it's fated is there any more point to try to mug very hard and still get stumped by fate? But that fate may change by your actions? But then again, is that fate then, that makes you change your actions? I once thought of this situation - if everything a person do/think is fated, can he try to twist it, by doing the opposite of what he thought of doing immediately?
Its... kinda silly... kinda vexing... kinda pointless also. Something like I thought a thought about the thought i thought ....
i'm kinda worried and sad and scared at the same time. about what would happen. I dun dare to face it when the time comes.
I know I should not think about it and just concentrate and studying for the remaining two exams only and try to do our best.
I always tell myself as long as I try my best, whatever is the turnout it will be. But.. i dunno what when where is my bestest best.
Can't always blame this and that, who and what, for the kind of situation we lie in. But at the same time, I dun want to keep scolding myself too.
haiz.
i should just. ya. concentrate on studying now.
i worry too much sometimes. so much so that i become scared. of losing things that i probably haven't gotten. and when i feel that happening, i know that i've started to develop a kind of dependency on tt thing, i feel that it's time i build a wall or a shield and stay away so that if i do lose it i won't feel as hurt. esp becos there is this word - uncertainty.
bcos of uncertainty.
which could be also a result of lacking trust or faith.
but if things can just change suddenly, the faith can't be very strong.
who really knows what is the future that lies ahead? no one. i believe...
of course, i would like to depend on smeone else and be lazy and let someone care for me, who would not? but firstly, there is none. secondly its not right to develop a dependency either ways cos it'll make you weak and tt's not good.
i do envy some of those girls sometimes. but if you can't be like them, then i guess, you really do need a nice proper armour for yourself to fend for yourself.
time to go back to mugging.. damn right. so late already. wth.
♥reflected @ 2:45 AM
