Sunday, March 28, 2010 ♥
finally.
i got the ear phone jack fixed. =)
it took me really long to get it done. motivation to actually call them up, follow the steps... then finally get them to send someone down to fix it. weeks actually. almost a month...
my legs hurt.
i realise i really lack exercise. and that i'm so unfit. heavy and clumsy. slow and careless. cos i run really slowly and my stamina sucks as compared to years ago, and also cos i fell down when walking up the stairs and scraped my knee while i was walking up another flight of stairs. an excuse would be lack of sleep.. but i guess its more due to the former reasons.
somemore standing and walking the entire day only put more stress to my leg muscles.
today's lessons... went quite ok.
altho the progress is quite slow. which makes me a bit frustrated. cos its slow cos i tried very much to try to explain to them very clearly, reillustrate ideas, rephrase, repeat... takes a long time. but if i do it sloppily.. i feel lousy. but then i can't really teach them quickly and effectively at the same time.
maybe sometimes. i just worry too much.
i thought back about the run i had yesterday.
i mentioned... that sometimes i wonder why i'm torturing myself to run even tho i'm tired. why i don't just stop and rest. today i recalled that the person whom i was running with probably didn't think of it like any torture at all. then i realised when i mentioned that there were many reasons why i still continue running.. i forgot to think about why in the first place, i thought it was a torture.
the reasons why i continue running include things like:
cos it's a test of my own perserverence and if i stop, i'm losing to myself
cos if i stop i'm lazy
cos if i stop it just shows tt i don't want enough to contine
cos i should just keep running
cos i have no choice
cos if i stop i will lose to others as well
etc so on and so forth
when i thought of all tt.. i wasn't really talking about running entirely.. i was talking about just living in general. living my life, studying and working. times i want to just slack, just take a break, or simply... give up. the question of whether there's a choice at all...
i rmbr what a senior told me her reason for doing certain things... is that she doesn't want to regret anything.
i pondered on tt for quite some time. i know of all the possible scenarios, of the possible regret i will feel. but i feel more sorrow than regret. cos at times i feel that there wasn't much of a choice in the beginning. then i feel more anger and the injustice of all, that indeed life is always unfair, then i feel anger at myself instead, for feeling so, cos there could have been a possibility that i could have worked harder than i had cos there are pple who can.
that links me back to why my companion running with me could have thought that it wasn't that tough. of course, being more physically and/or psychologically fit is the obvious reason.
but what it really means is that i'm not good enough. as in. i'm weak tts why i think that its torture i'm going thr. that means i shouldn't blame anything/one else for my own incapabilities.
actually.
its just that i think too much at certain times. mind too clustered, too distracted. sometimes it overloads and automatically my brain puts them aside and closes up. then i become slightly indifferent or just ignorant.
sometimes i can be overbearing, dominating and fierce. when i want certain things to get through, and some things to go according to my way. or just clear the path.
but at the same time, i can be really doubtful of myself.
i think it's the same reason - i probably just worry too much?
someone told me that you'll just have to go with the flow, just keep going. maybe i just keeping heading forward.
so..
i guess its good to run with someone else at times. cos it makes it easier. cos someone else is there to push you too, so that you don't consider too much.
and its less lonely.
altho sometimes you'll start worrying if you'll become a baggage to the other person.
actually i am probably just crap talking.. cos my eyes are heavy and i feel like i'm falling asleep...
can i ignore about schl stuffs for now? cos for now i'm just tired.. and dun feel like sharing about the week to come anymore.
maybe listening to joe hisaishi at this timing isn't a good time.
zzzZ really sleepy.
♥reflected @ 12:43 AM
