reflections

Thursday, December 31, 2009 ♥

Its now 31st December 2009 already, which means tomorrow would be 1st Jan 2010. a new year.

but i'll write as if it was still yesterday, wednesday, 30 Dec 09.

a lot of things happen.

today i met up with my sec schl classmates.

and i'm glad actually.

THAT.

they said they haven't changed from the past. cos they really hadn't.

and that really is smth really nice.

which makes me sorry for questioning if i was as close to them anymore, if i knew them well anymore. cos they were right, they haven't changed. =)

maybe. it's me who've changed. I DON'T KNOW. really. i mean. i hardly know how to live on except keep moving - but that was what i have been doing all the time. things have changed. yes. situations. conditions. changed very much. for me. for my sis and i.

when i was talking to them, i kept mentioning year 2007.

yes. it was a damn hard year. i dunno how we lived thr. but i think i did cos i was still immature. i dunno anymore. about maturity or sorts. i used to think i've become stronger/ more mature after how things changed in that year, after how the world darkened so much. I used to think so. But i'm not very sure anymore.

but i do remember. i blamed people. a white lie so big, doesn't seem like a white lie anymore, cos white lies are supposed to make a person feel better or smth. esp if the lie is given to you from the moment you know how to speak but it was broken when bad things happen. and u don't know if its a lie anymore. wat to believe. if any part of it is true at all. while one pushes u one way but at the same time the other. of course that one is in a dilemma, but at the same time pple who care get pulled into the hole too. its not like u can just easily walk off, and be like those you envy who can just be involved in their own issues.

i thought i was like a puppet some way. a no. of strings pull you to the left, the others pull you to the right, in the end they are entangled. it'll be great to cut off the strings, but i fear before and still do if i think about it, that these strings may be stronger than ever.

as such. should there have been a white lie since the beginning at all? it's the same reason why i had thought that the way san wu shuang told the kids - there's no santa claus actually. is it really that good to let kids have their nice and warm 'childhood' thinking that 'santa claus' exists? wat if the effect in future, is much greater, when the beautiful fantasy explodes and vanishes.

its the same as facing reality.

many things got me this emo actually.

one reason's becos i've been rewatching 'bai quan nv wang/ my queen' with sis and mum on dvds. another reason's of course, school.

wat specialisation? wat modules? wat to do?

can i blame anyone? i once wanted to blame pple. for being in wat i am doing. for being not able to do wat i had thought was wat i wanted to do. for not being able to study well/ do well/ etc. then i started to blame myself. cos it is indeed my own incapability. there are people who can do well in calamities. there are people who can score. there are people who really study damn hard. wat am i?

Yes i do know. that having walked thus far, and not being able to turn back at all, the only way is to keep walking forward.

anyways.

2009. a lot of things happened too. time flies really fast.

exams..school... driving...

more exams studying working...slacking..joined the skating club but didn't hang ard much to learn properly...or get to know the people...

21st birthday...

haiz..

i'm feeling sleepy now..so i guess i'm going to stop here.

i'm probably not going to do a 2009 review or a 2010 resolution or sorts..cos

i'm kinda tired.

i think i put this before? so maybe i'ven't changed.

♥reflected @ 12:21 AM