reflections

Saturday, March 28, 2009 ♥

it seems like.. every week, there'll be days that i will wallow in melancholy.

this wk. was a tiring week.

and there'll be pple who think, while i myself agree and am quite displeased with myself, that my time table this sem is quite slack, yet it seems that often almost daily i sleep really late and attend lectures late and fall asleep at times. it could be body clock malfunctioning, too comfortable with slacking, or something to do with stress, or maybe negative peer pressure.

but i am still trying i guess. despite feeling really kinda pessismistic and discouraged.

sometimes, occasionally, quite many times.

i'm reminded of the things i try, tried, failed, or just purely didn't go any where.

i'm reminded of the people i know, knew, liked, drifted further and further to some where. else.

i'm reminded of the places i went, lingered, got changed, then realised i belong no where.

home. school. work.

probably it was just. more added sadness when some random pple dropped by and asked so how it's going, and i replied, oh yeah.. hmm. nothing's going. i gave up.

there isn't much to give up i guess. probably i just knew already in heart, that i could never be sucessful at those things. i'm not up to them.

or probably because i have doubts hence i didn't go the entire way out. and there's tt. the inferiority complex. inconfidence. or what i thought.

facing reality.

wat's the reality? how is it real?

living life?

i tried convincing myself that everyone's lives are just simply different. world is never fair.

my sis complained once, that it sucks when u're trying to look for some encouragement and comforting words when u feel sad and pitiful, and pple reply by telling u that they're are equally sad/ worse off/ other pple ard being more worse off.

but that's the way it is.

that's why i always think that, every person just simply puts himself the first, worry and feel sad for himself first. and that everyone wallows in their own self pity.

while i'm sure there are pple out there exclaiming Nooooooooo!

and start stretching out their hands and try to introduce you to things like religion, help groups, counselling. and like that really solves the problem.

it sounds more like. group pitying each other. sympathy for each other. so let's forget about them and rejoice about other things that may be present and think that how good the world can be.

and ironically, that sounds almost like running away from reality, finding some other things to do other than facing the real problem itself. sorta like how sometimes i just wish i could put my entire body in water and wade away and block all sounds and life outside. sorta like how i watch tv/drama shows/ and read. then i realise i have been reading all the while in sec schl up to jc, was i already trying to hide from truth then? have i already known since then? or how some other pple like to play a lot games, be it computer or sports.

that sounds like everybody runs away from facing life in many different ways, or am i just being too biased, generalizing too much?

everyone has problems i guess.

and sometimes. they just can't be solved.

anyways.

i have 2 more projects/presentations, 1 report and 3 more tests to go. in these coming few weeks leading to the reading weeks then btt and the final exams for this sem.

been working on the diet analysis project since wednesday due yesterday.

thursday woke up at 8.30am, went to school for lessons, came home and not sleep until 6.30am on saturday. woke up 9am to go to school for lessons, stayed in school to finish up, reached home near 9pm, didn't get to sleep until about 1.30 am. and today woke up at 8am to go to work. and phew i was just right on dot today, wasn't late again, so that my boss didn't complain again.

work was another thing that got me really low. really disappointed and discouraged. it certainly doesn't help when ur boss puts u down in front of everyone at a so called 'casual' gathering. but i'm not complaining, cos i'm quite convinced that i'm really as bad as they say. any other encouragements seem like excuses. it also doesn't help when u're told to just quit and find other place doing the same kinda job, when u know really that doesn't work, u need it.

i guess.

something's changed in me.

i dunno if i'm stronger or weaker.

i just know that i don't seem to have much perserverence that i thought i had in the past.

i dunno if i'm more independent.

i just know that i cannot depend on other people.

i feel that in time to come, when i read this again, i might think that this is really childish. or probably by then, still, nothing has changed.

i'm probably just emoing. but i'm definitely not pmsing. that i know for certain.

probably its just me.

too narrow.

i should properly open my eyes bigger and see bigger things, more things.

i'm probably just enclosed in my little world.

♥reflected @ 10:29 PM