Wednesday, June 25, 2008 ♥
someone once said. someone who wasn't close to me, not even like a friend. he said that
one day it wld be gd to see me w/o the huge burden i always seem to carry over my back.
i was impressed a bit by tt statement. and surprised to see tt somebody wld think that of me.
sometimes it does feel abit. blurry. like i'm just crawling thr life w/o really knowing.
if tt's really true. tt i look as if i carry a burden on me, i can't help it i guess. tt's about how i am?
like for eg.
i've been jobless since end of may. and it's going to june.
and i have kept myself in kinda like a lousy mood, vexed and all. and all frustated, such that my sis complained abt it. such that i thought i was going to kinda crack if i don't find smth proper to do, other than reading my book, helping to do housework and stuffs, something that make me thing generates money or at the least not waste money. and the reason i thought i was going to crack was bcos i have kept tt to myself for weeks and only start voicing my frustrations this week and already 2 days, pple have started to find me annoying.
i've even come to the pt to think that i must be still living in kinda oblivion or probably refusing to accept reality kinda, bcos i've been kinda picky OR am i, when i search for jobs. things like, i want to work in the west etc - is that being too much?
my boss just asked me to help her take relief. but tt's like abt 7.30pm to 9.30+pm, and considering tt place is damn hard to get a bus, i'll reach home abt 11pm. shall i take it?
then i think of the sacrifices i have to make for that, then i thought am i in the position to 讨价还价?
it's like. i even stopped baking cos i thought, firstly, ingredients need money; secondly, no one really wants to eat; butter stuffs are unhealthy. (like my mum is constantly reminding me of what things are unhealthy and should be avoided etc). i've given up what i wanted to do, even though i started right after the exams with a lot of determination, thinking that it would work out right; then end up understanding i've no 资格to even start trying. i've given up trying to do smth gd with guitar feeling that i also have no 资格 to do that. i've given up trying to learn korean by myself from stuffs online, even though i started with great determination, then i realized i also have no 资格 to do that either; cos what i thought i could do just couldn't happen, and there won't be use anymore.
so when i came to all that conclusions. i had days that thought myself was shit. it's not just abt thinking that i'm useless. it's thinking abt how naive was i to think that i could even do those things. how much hope i piled up noeing deep down tt..
then i thought am i a realistic person or am i not. i guess i am, just occasionally, like all people who kinda like have dreams? some who are able to fulfill, some who cannot, like me, no matter how we cheat ourselves trying to think that there's a possibility.
i wonder how come my dad can live himself in kinda like oblivion all the time. one day i dun do anything i'd feel shitty already. he's amazing ain't he. i wish he cld just DOOO smth proper.
so is there a burden? ya i guess probably. something that i force onto myself, which i can't help it.
anyways.
today. i finally went to run. after so long. i decided i am really putting on weight, and that i can't really wait until my toe LOOKS okay. cos it's taking a v long time, and it still looks bad.
so ya. not bad. i'm still up to my standard. i guess probably it's due to the bit of workout i just started to force myself into since sunday. and i ran 6 rounds first. and walked the 7th round, cos i didn't want to overwork myself and my toe, after not exercising for so long.
then there was this poor boy, whose dad was screaming and shouting at him and forcing him to keep running, WHILE his mum and sis looked on. so i decided i shall accompany him. so tt was my 8th round, telling him not to cry and teaching him how to run better. then he stopped again then his dad yelled at him again, while i continued on (cos his dad was like super fierce) and tt was the 9th round. after that i sat on the sit-up bench and do sit-ups and watched his dad continue yelling at him. wanting him to run one round in 30secs (which to is me is far too much, cos i run one round in probably 2mins) if not he has to continue run. what i found most annoying was that his sis and mum just simply watch on, which i thought was super unfair.
yup. so i left after sit-ups cos i promised mum i won't be too late for dinner. and finally the boy could stop running and was leaving with his parents and sis walking in front of him. i got to wave to him and he bye-d me.
during the first round, i was thinking abt the first time i really ran. the time when i was in sec schl. the first time i ran very fast, kinda like the first (cos eileen and peisi our best runners weren't ard then); and why. It was bcos there was a guy (the last guy running) in front of me. The reason why was not bcos he was cute (altho then i thought tt he kinda was bit cute), but i thought i must not lose and at least run at fast as he could.
i rmbr once i hated running. cos in sec schl there was this annoying pe relief tcher tt forced us to keep running for the entire pe periods. and we had to, and he kept telling us it's to build up our stamina. then i realized it's really gd... then somehow i thought tt it's gd to run with someone whom you like, like a fren or family. then in jc and after, i realized, it's still best to run alone. i also realized during jc, i hated pe too. not bcos of the tshirt or the exercises, but the pple. some biased pple, some cliquey pple etc. then i realized, it's probably just bcos i'm not suited for tt schl.
which i thought tt's why some pple have 'left' me. sometimes i feel stuck. at these past times. i found myself in the past, probably last yr, trying to find reasons for them to do so. and tt was one reason i thought out. that they realized i'm not their kinda fren or smth.
watever.
i hope, tmr i'll solve all the probs or come to a gd conclusion so that i stop annoying pple.
smth tt i really is that i get tt one thing. i want it so much i don't even dare to say it. bcos it wld help a lot if i got it. help a lot a lot. i want it so much i even started doubting what i believed in. which i know is human nature - to start doubting who and things you believe in once things don't seem to be going v well.
it's like, a test of faith kinda.
but one thing is that i believe more strongly that i have to work hard also.
and tt's the thing. esp. when no matter how hard you work things just dun seem v well. like my mum? who has worked and still is working so hard?
one thing gd abt having a blog is this. i can say what i feel out here, which i can hardly voice out to anyone.
probably. like wat some will say. i'm pms-ing. tt's y i'm irritating.
HAHAHAHAHA-- see my sarcasm?
LOL.
the reason why sometimes i bug on this pms-ing thing, is that some ppl has once accused me of pmsing. and i was offended then.
wat a nice super long post this is.
originally, i had wanted to watch the online shows. instead i did this, and i have to go sleep soon.
sometimes.
i feel shitty abt this too. staying up late to watch shows. knowing that i'm cheating myself again. knowing that i shouldn't be doing so, i have no资格 to do so. and i shld sleep early to save electricity etc.
yep. wat a nice super long post.
♥reflected @ 12:35 AM
