Friday, April 20, 2007 ♥
Sometimes i wonder.. if i die.
would it help decrease my parents' burden? it would be less a person to feed.. i would want to do so, if it really could help.
but if die.. i would be wasting my 18 years of life, and my parents' money that was spent on me for these 18 years.
so all i can think of, is just to work and work and work and earn as much money as i can.
yesterday, my mum was telling me that i look terrible..my eye bags and dark circles etc.
and made me think again that.. i never really looked at the mirror and think about how i good/ bad i look, other than knowing i'm fat, before. and think again.. about not knowing what i am doing with my life.
it's the time when i feel lost again. other than knowing that i'm trying to work hard and complete all my responsibilities...i never really think about anything esle. even now..
i am worried about my dad.. cos my mum kept asking me what to do. and i really dunno. there are so many what ifs. how can i know.. i'm not confident of anything at all.. everything is out of my control. that's why i really really really want to take medicine. but again, it's not in my control..and i am totally helpless. and i am really unhappy when those people who are able to qualify for it decides to compete with me for a place in another course that i really am interested and hope to get in.
i fear of so many things. but i really can't face them. i really don't know how to. i'm just running away. once i hit them face into face, i'll just break. i think i will.
that's why i don't think i'm strong at all. i'm really cowardly. i don't even know how to face people.
i think i'm just lost. not that i would find a way out any soon. but one day i will. i guess.
i just hope. whoever's up there. please be fair to us. please.
i'm really waiting for a qing tian...
♥reflected @ 8:52 PM
