Friday, September 23, 2005 ♥
yesterday night was awful.
so was this morning and this afternoon.
yesterday night i exhanged places with sis, and managed to do not a
single piece of homework nor study a single thing. and then i came to my own blog, i went to the archives and i read thr my past entries.the times when i had dengue and all, the times when prelims and o levels passed w/o me knowing i discovered how much i have changed.my past entries were all sounding positive and fun..even if times were really bad..and now..or i think it was just that all the while i have been running away.yah.i believe it's the latter.since last year, i have been running away so much. and yesterday night, i sat at the table, feeling so sad and sorry for myself and indulging myself in total selfpity and all..and non-stop thinking from nanhua past the ac past ac current and now..and feeling so bad and cried non-stop...i know that i had actually went through nothing as serious as some other ppl had, i know that they had gone thr so much more and so much more pain than me, and i look up to them and wish that i have the courage to stop hiding and running away, and face everything properly.i wonder when i finally can do so, when i am able to let go of every single thing that bugs me, let go of everything...maybe i care too much.it's just that whenever someone do somethings, it will remind me of smth and smth and smth so on so on..it links so far off that whenever i cry..i cry of everything.not just a single thing. something triggers me,and i would like someone said: cried like the world is ending..well i felt like my world was crumbling.
i know: yup.scream into my ear: stop this self-pity thing!let go let go!it's time you let go..but i can't i dunno why..it's either i have to find a way and do it myself, or some miracle or some special one can help me break away from the past and bring more light into my life..but yarh..i'm not sure myself..my life is now currently..sucking..
i feel so lost sometimes...and my heart is always like in a constant internal conflict...
sometimes, i feel like a hot dog, sausaged and squashed in between two pieces of bread..sometimes i feel like a pink apple, so out, wierd and misplaced, sometimes i just feel like a lost sheep, losing the sense of direction and thought..
AC games registeration...includes a fee of 4 bucks..and today jia yi the class rep was getting the money fr those who wrote their names on the paper..it's an inter-class competition..and i wrote myself for captain's ball and touch rug..and jia yi wrote me for touch rug saying that they got too many ppl in captain's..and then i actually realized something when i compared the names in each grp..it is so apparent and clear...but i am not going to say it here, cos i dunno who else will be reading this blog...
i dunno..i am unsure..i already paid the 4 bucks...and made up the decision to go against my mum wishes and go take part in the ac games...but it's only for fun what...
i think i'm putting on a lot of weight and am getting fatter...i dunno..i should really watch my weight and waistline..after eating so many mooncakes and nearly 4 meals a day...yar..i really should eat less..or stop eating..if only i can and am able to be persistent...well..maybe i should start training myself and test my stamina in the name of touch rug..haha..
today...this morning had to do a lousy chem pract abt some ester thinggy screwed it up..and then was feeling so lousy..after econs double lect..free period for me i went for lunch and collect the chem stuff i printed for the class..and wasn't very happy when i found out that i had been spending quite a lot these days..during maths was still fine..fed up at mark and even the stupid projector screen and ohp cos at first i couldn't borrow one both next doors and finally went opp..angry i had to do this and that when i noe that i most probably be taken for granted for..called home and was told by my mum that actually when i was crying last night, my sis was also crying too..but my mum didn't noe i cried, my sis and i dunno each other cried...so i was upset cos i found out that i hadn't been taking care and giving concern to my sis and was too caught up with my own life and thinking so much that i have forgotten about her. so when i was sitting down there at the 'void deck-canteen' in schl i started thinking and then some fella walked pass me triggered my feelings..and i started crying again..
sorry pple..for being so emotionally-unstable and all..
thank you to those who cared for me..xiangning, aneesa,adelle, and yup everyone..
lastly..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JONATHAN CHIANG!!!!!!!!I believe tt you will make a very good guitar president and i noe that you'll never fail to make me laugh when i am sad and feeling down.and i love your jokes even though most are just teasing and sarcastic..some ppl who just noe him won't like him..but when you get to noe him and get used to his sarcasm..you will actually find it funny and fun. he's a nice and great guy.Happy Birthday!!!...(although i think he won't be reading this..well maybe i'll msg him..)
ok..so tt's all for today.
♥reflected @ 10:01 PM
