Sunday, August 21, 2005 ♥
DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!
this is darn irritating.
i was actually in a good and calm today. and then the world is determined to create smth bad for me. oh yarh rite.
oh so rite. i'm the ALWAYS up UPTIGHT and OVERSTRESSED girl?? yup rite. so wat i do? oh yarh. eat a chill pill and cool? ha.ha.ha.oh rite. i noe tt pple are like telling me: STOP OVER-REACTING!! yup. i shld rite. i noe. i noe. tt's y i feel like shutting myself out.
okay.damn. i feel i'm so sarcastic now, i'm showing pple so much attitude again, i'm talking like a total creep.
yesterday was terrible. i ended school at 4.30. been calling my sis all the way from 2p.m to 7+ and she refused to pick up the phone. cos she was at shooting.gp wasn't good for me.while someone says it was fun. stoning all the way feeling totally out of place and damn hell when i was on my way to jp, after watching kalpana and her two friends leaving and thanking their offer of me joining then seeing a grp of friends waiting for one another i decided to leave and walk my miserable body with the two fat legs to the mrt station slowly cos my legs are in sudden pain letting pple walking past me in front of me away from me. unhappy when tania and joanne didn't call me, and just went off. saw them at the bus stop. even unhappier. refused to talk to them much. it wasn't their fault. they didn't do anything. i wasn't in a good mood yesterday. i didn't call them either i should ve known in e first place. i dun belong there dun belong in tt place either.
walked and walked and walked. walked in jp from 5+ to 6+ walked and walked. called my sis again. called and called. how frustrating. i decided i want to go home. then my sis called. on my way home passed by jj thinking might as well walk home with her. in the end i accept her unspoken request and walked the nightmarket. spent so much time looking at watches i really wanted to go home to rest and prepare for today's speech.
i knew i wasn't up for it at all yesterday. i already knew how it was going to be like.no miracles wil happen.
i went to the comp today. i was unluckily/luckily the first one. wasn't good. final verdict is: i didn't get in.
I thank Mr Ho,the chem tcher who drove me to sph to take part in the comp. he has been very understanding. all the while he didn't speak to me abt my speech. fr driving me there to driving me back. i took the setback very easily and lightly because of how he approached the matter. i thank him for driving me there, and also giving me a single word of encouragement which meant a lot also.
I thank my parents.esp my mum. who told me tt i can choose to quit anytime i want.
i thank my sis for encouraging me and sharing her experiences with me.
i thank jonathan, kalpana and sis for msging me and wishing me good luck.
i thank my classmates who tried to help me through.
i thank the 4o3o4 mons, felicia and zixian for consistently giving me advice and encouraging me.
i thank mdm ma who helped look at my scripts..
I THANK everyone else (whom i cannot list down one by one) who helped me too.
i noe i wouldn't get in. i wasn't good enough. i had totally no experience and readiness. other schools have pro trainers and all. i had only me.
on mon we ve to ve first draft of e0m and written report ready and yet...
wat i told serene:
i'm vexed. for reasons othersmay think its negligible. for reasons pple think aren't impt. for matters pple feel tt they can be simply laid out
i noe tt some pple are feeling tt i shld simply buzz off or smth. i do noe tt some dislike me cos they feel tt i'm always stressed out for no particular reason tt i'm making life difficult myself and all...
now and then, i will sit myself at a corner, think so much after a catalyst does it function, cry and lick my own wounds, then try get up again
i thank you pple for understanding and trying to help me. i'm grateful i have you pple.
i really dun noe. some pple think that i shld ve simply laughed, take it easy, let them do wat they want, watch them do with amusement. but i dun.
i hate myself for hanging onto things that have passed. things that ve passed well long ago. days, months and even years. i noe i ve to let go. but my brain and heart refuses to..
i'm always looking backwards when i try to look forward. when smth happens, i think so much, my world seems to crumble
worse is tt, i noe wat's wrong, i noe how simple and easy it can actually be, but i cant solve it,even when i noe tt others can't solve stuff for me.
i will restrain my feelings within. i will hopefully change by mon and last long ...
♥reflected @ 12:15 AM
