Thursday, July 07, 2005 ♥
They dug my heart out, threw it onto the ground, and stomped on it.
My eyes are swollen and tired.
After nearly an entire day of crying.
I cried on Tues and i did yesterday too.
Today it escalated so high i couldn't stand it anymore.
i just bursted. like a long-awaited volcanic eruption. and my tears flowed like a a waterfall non-stop.
i wasn't actually going to erupt in school. i didn't intend to.
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yesterday i had so much anger in me, which piled on today.
wat my sis says: why am i caring so much about 'respect'. y do i expect pple to respect me, when i myself do noe actually, that i won't receive the respect i wished for? it doesn't exists, and i take it too seriously. why do i help pple, when i noe that when i need help, it won't be as easy to get it?
yesterday i lent hawyi, a guy in my class my maths tutorials 11,12,13. Then clarice and jia yi asked me if they can borrow them from him, during their free periods. I agreed. Another person asked if i can lend my book reviews. Today another person looks thr my file and i photocopied my stuff to give the person.
Guitar has made me feel sad everytime since syf ended, since the outing ended. since the preparation for concert started. since the time i suddenly feel that our guitar ensemble is no longer an ensemble anymore. since the time they divided us into senior and junior according whether we can play the instrument or not, not according to our service and loyalty to guitar. ever since i felt my sense of belonging to guitar faltered. ever since i felt that i'm no longer close to the guitar pple anymore. and i no longer find myself laughing during the practises and having fun.
today. during gp lesson. i saw andrew coping furiously. i looked carefully and i saw that he was actually coping my tutorial. i was shocked. utterly shocked. i asked him: is tt mine? n he said yes and continued copying.
that was the catalyst.
right after the bell rang, i just went over to hawyi, and started screaming and yelling at him. asking him why he lent other pple my tutorials without asking me and showing me any respect. and then i walked out with my gp tcher stunned and shocked. i went walking down the stairs with esther, yelling and shouting non-stop.
i didn't even now my tutorials are like circulated around the class?
it was pe period.
i sat down there and started crying. crying non-stop. crying my whole life out of me. crying like i've never cried before. non-stop. totally non-stop. i just couldn't stand everything.
and everything just came to me. like a tsunami. everything about class, about guitar, about school, about family, about my exams, about everything.
everyone came asked me if i'm okay..and tried to get me to talk..but i just continued crying. for a whole period. a whole 40 mins. i just kept on crying. i thought i ve cried enough.
haw yi was so shocked, dunno wat the hell he has done wrong and wanted to talk the problem out. he said he was just being nice to other pple who can't do their work and don't understand why i react tt way.oh. so be nice to them and treat me like a piece of shit? i noe, they expect me to laugh and smile when i see andrew copying my stuff, but no, i didn't. andrew came and apologized but i scared him off- they said i looked very angry. seriously, i thought i have cried enough. let out enough stress in me, let out enough steam.
i thought i'm okay already. after school, i went with joanne, weiqi and thomas to the cafe in school to eat my dinner. and i was still laughing with them. then i went for guitar with them. in the beginning i was still okay. i proceeded to teach the new j1s the songs. until a girl did something wrong. and said something wrong. that made me angry again. i was so angry, i walked out of the lt, sat myself in the oldham wing and tried to come down. after a while i went back, listened to words that angered me even more, and left, with the posters for the concert and black paper to canteen and started cutting and pasting. i spent the whole guitar practice time pasting. at about 7.45 plus i went back. just in time to hear who is our new commitee members. everything happened as i expected.
in the end, i went home without saying bye to anyone. i sat in my dad's car, and started crying again. i just cried.
and now i am so tired. i do not feel like caring about anything anymore...i just want to shut myself.
♥reflected @ 9:37 PM
