Friday, July 15, 2005 ♥
Thank you...miss you pple so much..
Yesterday i cried so much during guitar until i was so tired i actually wanted to pon school today. in the end i didn't. but it was finally the time i bursted out. every single thing. every single thing that has piled up within me..
everything. about class. about guitar. about acjc. about my regret of staying. about my disappointment in guitar. about my disappointment in the school. about missing nanhua.
the first thing, which is the thing that always catalysed my crying, is guitar, and my disappointment in it. in the first three months, i felt a belonging to guitar. i felt guitar as a whole ensemble. we went thr. the syf together, and had loads of fun. but now, i feel that all i my hopes for guitar are falling apart. i no longer can speak out and want my way out of things in guitar. and the way the splitted guitar ensemble into seniors and juniors has upsetted me a lot. seniors are not the j2s, they are the people who can play the instrument well. they are the pple who can read the score and play immediately they look at it. juniors are mainly the 2nd intakers of guitar. and i'm in the juniors. the pple who can't play and self-teach. i feel that my first three months are wasted. that i fell back to nothingness.
i had hoped tt guitar ensemble will be a source of my happiness, and friendship. i had thought i would be able to be proud and tell pple tt i am from acjc guitar ensemble. i dun need pple to tell me that they understand how i feel. i dun need pple to tell me abt how other ccas like choir and drama are worse, tt cca politics are very natural & it lives no matter wat. I dun need pple to tell me abt how other schools are more terrible. i jus need pple to sit with me and tell me tt: i care. i'm here.tt's enough.
that guitar stuff led to my thinking of my staying in the school after three months. i hadn't do really well enough during the prelims, causing me to land in acjc, and i had thought tt i can switch to nj after the 3 months. in the end, i joined guitar, i thought tt the school is as bad as i thought, that guitar could be a worthy reason for me to stay. and my perception of the pple was wrong.
my dad had wanted me to go to nj. my mum told me, tt i can choose to stay, but dun regret.
i always thought that my decision to stay wasn't wrong, and tt the people here are quite good. until, wat wen yan told me after the rugby match, until wat happened last week. i'm afraid that i will regret staying, scared tt guitar isn't tt worth to stay for.
everything led to my discovery of how i have changed and become so slack, and how i can't stand me.
that led to nanhua. how i can't fit in well here cos i'm a very good nanhuarian. how some other pple can fit in. which also drifts off to stuff about my class. i find it hard to confide to my current classmates and schoolmates. it's not a thing about trust. it's abt me. it's me who is finding hard to put everything down in words and speak to pple.tt's why everybody asked me why i was crying last thurs, and yet i simply shook my head and continued crying non-stop.
i finally understand truely why i'm crying. it's because of my stubborness, and incapability of facing and accepting reality and truth, and instead, keep running away from everything. i can't accept that i'm staying in this sku, that everything isn't going the way i want it to be. i can't accept the ways how i changed. i can't face it when pple ignore me. i can't face it when pple cannot understand me and wat i say. tt's why when i try talk to pple in sku, i'll open my mouth, start to say something, but stop halfway and not continue.i seldom do things on impulse and i think so much before saying and doing anything.i think of wat the other party will say and do if i do or say something, then i don't feel like doing or saying anything i actually wanted.so complicated and confusing.
guitar concert is next fri, my whole class, not a single person bought a ticket from me. so depressing.
for the guitar concert, it's called Colours of Life and i actually hoped that the girls can wear white tops and diff colored skirts, cos it's nice. in the end, we are wearing black pants and coloured long sleeved shirts, joanne's idea. the concert is in lt4, and sabrina and i want to decorate it so tt it'll be nicer, but i think they dun want...wat's more depressing is tt there's this song called elbimbo, i really can't play well, i can't switch chords fast enough and cannot keep up, yet they insist that we play it and if we really can't play then, then we jus dun go on stage.tt's crap. waste our time.we as in the juniors and me. there's another 2 songs that are easier, and i already can play them already. and yet the other juniors dun want to play them. i dun understand.
on the program. they put there 'seniors'. they already lefted us out, the moment they splitted us up into seniors and juniors. tt's was wat i told xiujun. my first three months? gosh..i keep telling myself..i dunno wat i m doing in acjc. i dunno wat i m doing in guitar. i dunno why i feel like i'm wasting my own time..
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i should look ahead.
i shall work hard.
i shall put my concentration on my studies.
blabber blabber blabber...
i crapped out everything!!!!!!!!
YEAH!!!!!
♥reflected @ 8:51 PM
